I've been trying for three months now too snap out of how I feel. I feel like I'm in a situation I can't cope with and looking forward I'm just so worried.
My child started school last year. I have a school a perfect five minute walk from my home. It was always going to be the school I sent her too until I found out my ex had a child there and his other would be in DD class. I lived with this bloke for a while in my early 20s. It was an unhappy few years. . We started buying a home then I found out lots of things about him. He was cheating. The signs were all there looking back. I knew deep down, but hoped he would change. He got me pregnant at 18 and not one person would talk to me about it. I had nobody. I cried in bed for a month at the time and had terrible sickness. I was living at home at this point. My parents stopped talking to me. my boyfriend was 21 and said he wasn't ready for a baby. His mum was a nurse and never spoke to me about it. At ten weeks I had an abortion because I just felt broken. Afterwards his mum looked after me for the afternoon and I was then driven home and left to cope alone. When I was 21 and he was 24 we finally split through him cheating and lying to me all the time. He had a new women within a week and they are now married with children. My parents thought I was stupid not wanting to use the local school but I just don't want to spend the next ten years seeing them and one day my daughter would potentially be at a party or befriend his child. Which is fine by me in regards to the child, but the thought of awkwardness with them just put me off. I don't know what he's told her about that time and I fear her thoughts and what she could say to other people. I came home from work after wed split and they were upstairs in my bedroom and I wasn't happy as you can imagine. So the last time I saw her it wasn't pleasant.
So to the point. I walk my daughter to a school 25 minutes away (just over a mile) it's a great school. We've coped fine. I have never regretted it. Until lockdown. But now my mind has spiralled. I have anxiety for the first time in my life. I feel a range of things from day to day. It's this feeling of there is no way I can do the school runs. It's suddenly too far. It's too much. I always feel sick. Or I have a headache. Or my muscles ache. Or my periods heavy. Even though I know it's lockdown. I've stopped my usual routine since march. I've lost my energy. I've lost my body clock.
Everyday I'm worried about September. Since June I've been awake all night sometimes thinking what do I do. How do I get going again. I've spoken to the gp but there's nothing really he can do. It's so silly. I do go for walks but only once a day for about 1.5 miles. On average 3-4 times a week. I keep walking past the nearest school as it's on my road with my kids and thinking what would my life be like now if they hadn't sent their children there. There's 9 primary schools here and they live in a village just on the outskirts. I'm sure they didn't give it much thought but they both know I still live in the house near the school. I appreciate this probably sounds childish but I was surprised they'd want to use the school near me in the sense they both lived in villages outside of the town and apart from the time he lived with me, neither of them have lived near me.
I know how I feel is my own problem and not there's. It's new feelings. My main concern is what do I do. My partner's having a week off when she first goes back. But I'm so exhausted physically and mentally. I don't know how to become me again. I sometimes have thought I wish I could move her to the nearest school for my mental health. But then she loves her school and so do I. I just wish I hadn't become the person I have. I really miss who I was at the start of the year.