To deliberately give the wrong address

[SpongebobNoPants]

I’m 33 with 2 kids and have been with my DP for 5 years. I’d lived on my own since 18 and moved back in with my mum just over 2 years ago as she kindly offered for me and my DC to live with her whilst I went back to uni to do a masters degrees. My mum is widowed since my Dad died a few years back and I know she loved having me and my DC living what her.
My mum is fantastic and helped me and my DP buy a house which we moved in to just over 9 weeks ago.
My mum loves my DP and we make her feel so welcome in our home, but I know she keeps trying to keep her distance a bit to let us settle in and is worried (wrongly) about over stepping boundaries and visiting too much.
She is so adorable and doesn’t want to intrude on mine and DP’s time...
We invite her over lots but I accidentally on purpose keep getting items delivered to her house (my old address) just to give her an excuse to pop over and not feel like she’s intruding.
I know it’s silly but it makes me unreasonably happy when she feels like she has a purpose to her visits 😁

No actual AIBU but I can’t admit this in real life because it would embarrass her ❤️❤️❤️

@butterpuffed

It sounds lovely , OP. Ignore the posters who are seeing it as a problem.

Are you always so dismissive of people who don't think the same as you?

It's ok for people to have different opinions here, mine is every bit as valid as yours whether you agree with it or not.

Do you think she'd feel good if she knew you were doing this?

I think it sounds lovely - it makes everyone happy

You both sound really considerate and caring about each other.
How refreshing. 😄👍🏻

I get it. My grandmother is like your mum. Absolutely lovely and we all love spending time with her and tell her so all the time but she will insist that we're all very busy and we shouldn't 'trouble' ourselves seeing her.

I think we can safely assume you know your mum better than a mumsnetter does and would know if this became a hassle for her rather than a sweet excuse for her to come over.

I always tell her she’s welcome and we invite her over a lot.
She had a really hard time after my dad died and leant on my quite heavily for emotional support which for some reason she feels guilty about. I have no idea why because she’s my mum and I wanted to take care of her.
She’s got a bit of a complex about being a burden at the moment and likes to do something useful for us rather than just pop in.
I reassure her she’s welcome any time, but the package thing happened accidentally a few times as I’d changed my PayPal billing address but forgot to change the shipping address.

She’s also home a lot more than us to take the packages in

No running off to the post office or anything, no fraud

It means she has a reason to pop over a couple of times a week and once she’s here she’ll end up chatting, having a cup of tea or staying for dinner.

I love it and I’m 99.9% certain she does too

@thewrongshoes

Bit weird and manipulative I reckon. Just tell her how you feel. Pop round to hers instead. Are you sure your DP hasn’t had a quiet word with her about needing space and she’s being respectful of that? Maybe he doesn’t love spending time with your mum as much as you. Or maybe your mum actually wants the time to herself

Wow just wow. Now OP is manipulative. How do you get through the day with your overactive imagining and reason to dramatize the situation.

She is (however well intentioned) literally being manipulative. She is creating a constructed situation where her mum has to come round. That is manipulative.

I get why she’s doing it but you can’t ignore that it’s not truthful. I don’t think it’s healthy. I’d be hurt if my child did the same. Being an adult means having these conversations. Surely better option is to invite her over “mum, kids really want to see you why don’t you come round at 2 on Sunday then you can stay for a roast...”

You clearly adore your lovely mum and if I can see that from your short post,she must know it too.
So although yanbu,I would say your mum knows well enough she is welcome and,she has her suspicions about all this mail.😊
Be honest,say come round more mum,I miss you and we all want you here.
Enjoy your mum and your new home.

Maybe your mum actually wants some space after having you all living with her for a while and doesn't want to tell you?

Oh FGS 😂😂
Trust me, she wants to come round and I always ask her too but she’s worried about being a burden.
And I know she’s feeling lonely, she has loads of space... I’m not getting things delivered everyday it’s probably once / twice a week.
Jesus you guys are complete joy suckers sometimes 😂

No one is being a misery guts. I just don’t think it is sweet, when the alternative is that you actually tell your nearest and dearest that you want to spend time with them. Not just pop in for packages (how dismissive) If my kids did this to me, it would make me feel a bit shit actually.

OP said in her post that she tells her mum that! But her mum feels like she's intruding so this is just a nice roundabout way for her mum to be able to pop over without feeling like she's in the way.

My MIL is practically housebound due to various health issues so she can't just pop over, but she doesn't like us fussing over her. So when I get a parcel delivered there it gives me an excuse to check up on her and make sure she's okay - she if she needs anything without her feeling like I'm putting myself out too much.

It's not remotely dismissive. Sorry you feel that way about people popping in to see their families.

There's always those negative people on Mumsnet who are Debbie downers about EVERYTHING!! Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your mum OP and you know her better than anyone you would know if it annoyed her, I think it's lovely.

Ahh I think its nice. You want her to come over, she wants to come over but is worried about being in your space. Hopefully once you're fully settled she won't feel she shouldn't intrude.

FWIW I hate the set times of going to visit someone. Nothing worse than not being able to do anything at a particular time because its "tradition" to go to granny's. And I'm a planner!

I think you have struck on an ideal way to keep everyone happy.

Your DM is available to accept parcels and has a 'reason' to pop round and feels she's being useful/ helpful at the same time

You and DP do not need to wait in or schedule deliveries for when you're off work and you get to see your DM regularly without having to constantly reassure her she's not being intrusive .

Win/ win in my book !

I find it so lovely that someone on Mumsnet is very close to her mum and wants to include her mum in her life.
OP seems to be able to understand that it is a very lonely life after your OH dies. Presumably the mum's parents are dead too. It is a horrible feeling to be without all the people who cared for you and helped you through life.
I can understand the mum's reluctance to be a burden.
My AC must be typical MN types. I am only wanted for babysitting and child minding, housework DIY and even gardening other than that I am to sit out of the way and be quiet!
OP you are a lovely daughter and the world would be a better place if there were more like you.

I think this is nice too. My mum would be exactly the same. I know she likes to feel that her daughter still 'needs her'. My mum will ask if I need anything from the shop when she goes (I've recently had a baby) so I might suggest baby wipes etc and I know she enjoys getting them and then bringing them over to me.

Of course I could get the wipes myself from the shop but that's not the point. She's a bit of a martyr so of the 'you've got better things to be doing with your time than see me' brigade. I see her lots of other times outside her bringing me wipes but this is just a little thing she likes to do.

I wish I had a mum like that you’re very lucky OP x

It’s nice. She’s clearly aware that the parcels in error are now on purpose as if it wasn’t you’d have changed your address by now! I think given her situation and fearing being a burden it’s that extra bit of unspoken security to her that you do really want her to come over. I think it’s a really great way of dealing with it all.

I love your OP! It made me feel really cheery. The negativity on display is a shame, very modern Mumsnet unfortunately 🤣

Well she’s just dropped round a new light fitting we bought for my DSD’s bedroom and she’s now staying for Sunday dinner

The negativity on display is a shame, very modern Mumsnet unfortunately 🤣

Bollocks it is. It's people who recognise manipulative behaviour. Communication would be the answer.

Bollocks it is. It's people who recognise manipulative behaviour. Communication would be the answer.

Like the bit where the OP has communicated several times to her mum that they love her coming over and she's welcome any time? And have invited her over more than once?

Bollocks it is. It's people who recognise manipulative behaviour. Communication would be the answer

We do communicate, can you not read? But it doesn’t seem to stop my mum feeling like she’s putting us out. So she seems happier to visit when she has a reason to, that’s all.
Implying I’m doing something with unkind intent is weird and says a lot more about you than me 🤷🏼‍♀️