Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I hate where I live

67 replies

bakedoff · 23/08/2020 01:44

AIBU to hate where I live? I literally hate it. It’s a housing development in south east commuter belt land. The people are so cliquey. I’ve found it incredibly hard to make friends. They’re all in social groups that are incredibly hard to break into. I’ve tried. I’ve been told “I’ve got enough friends and don’t need anymore”. I feel like I’ve really let my kids down by living here. We’ve had no play date requests over the summer holidays. Literally none. I’ve tried and tried but I’m exhausted of always arranging and chasing and nothing coming back. I’ve never had this kind of trouble making friends/fitting in anywhere I’ve lived before. Has anyone moved somewhere with their kids to somewhere they know nobody and found a really friendly/welcoming community with women who actually do want to be friends and aren’t fake/pretentious? If you have please share your story!

OP posts:
CatAndHisKit · 23/08/2020 01:50

Sounds awful - and unlucky. I haven't bee nin this situation but wanted to say, if it's an option to move, then do it, an upheaval would it be worth it - but research / get feedback on a new place this time.

Lightsmother · 23/08/2020 01:54

Your kids are better off without these pretentious folk. I’m curious where this is, somewhere like Tunbridge Wells? I found the baby groups the same - it was like being back in school. Always felt a bit on the margins in those settings, very cliquey.

bakedoff · 23/08/2020 02:09

@Lightsmother it’s around that area. How do I research somewhere before I move! Guess I have to visit and look around? It feels daunting. I want to get it right this time

OP posts:
PandaEyed13 · 23/08/2020 02:16

I'm in your boat. I hate where I live too. I'm in Manchester and originally lived in an area in South Manchester that is lovely. Very green, village like, lots of community spirit, I lived there all my life, my parents were just round the corner and my children attend lovely small church school and had all their school friends close by. Then 3 years ago me and my partner were both made redundant...on the same day...within the same phone call...while I was on maternity leave! We both worked for the same company you see and it went under very suddenly and unexpectedly.

So everything changed. We had no jobs suddenly and 2 children, 1 of which was 2 months old at the time! Hubby took the very first job he could immediately find to pay the bills, which was a late shift at a bookies, and we could no longer afford our lovely 3 bed house in our town.

So...we had to pack up and take the only thing that we could afford, which is a 2 bed terrace 8 miles away in Salford!

Oh my god. Let me tell you, the street I'm on now is like an episode of Shameless. There are plenty of children on the street but they are wild. Our first month here a 6 year old pretended he needed help whilst laying in the road while I was walking back down the street with some shopping, but when I approached him to help - he water ballooned me and ran off cackling. The kids howl and scream and fight in the street all day, the parents stand in the front doors all day smoking and gabbing over the fences to each other one day, then swearing and spitting and fighting the next day because their kid was lamped by the other. They burn things in metal trash cans in the front yards, they stuff rubbish in other people's wheelie bins so that the bin men don't take them (the bin men don't take bins that are overflowed here, but hey, the scum bags got rid of their rubbish at someone else's expense so what do they care?!) There's fly tipping, dogs on chains barking in front yards all day, unspeakable amounts of stray cat poo all over the front yard every day, music thumping out of every wide open front door. Because they all sit with their front doors wide open all day so you can see and hear everything that everyone is up to!

I hate where I live too. You are not unreasonable, I'm totally with you. My children are lonely here too, especially my oldest who is 9 and is certainly old enough to deeply miss where we've come from and loathe where we now are. I regularly cry with guilt and deep sorrow at bringing them here. Over my dead body do I want them going out to mix with the kids on the street and none of their existing friends parents want to drive all the way up here for play dates or anything like that. I wouldn't ask them to be honest. I'm way too embarrassed at the episode of shameless that I live in now.

I know I haven't been helpful with advice but I just wanted to say I'm with you! It sucks and I despise where I am too, and I agree that it's not that easy to make new friends anymore. My mum reminisces that when they first moved to their current house and my childhood home 30 years ago, neighbours knocked on the door to introduce themselves and invited them to join neighbourhood watch and a lottery syndicate. Now everyone just puts their heads down and ignores everyone else, never floating out of their core groups, even for a little bit just to introduce themselves to someone new and nervous and possibly isolated.

xx

bakedoff · 23/08/2020 02:18

I just want to live in a friendly community where people have got time for each other.

OP posts:
Lightsmother · 23/08/2020 06:38

@bakedoff I guess you could rent? Figured T Wells because it’s full of monied people. I’m from nearby and in London atm. Moving back soon for a bigger house/school and tbh dreading it a bit because it’s so parochial. Ergh

SnuggyBuggy · 23/08/2020 06:46

It's sounds horrible. It's hard to predict where you will fit but agree sometimes a place is just never going to work.

I think all you can do is take a risk and move. As long as its a safe area its not going to be any worse than where you are now.

Bluesheep8 · 23/08/2020 07:08

Which parts of the country are you able to consider?

Someone9 · 23/08/2020 07:10

So...we had to pack up and take the only thing that we could afford, which is a 2 bed terrace 8 miles away in Salford!

Oh you poor thing panda! I've lived there and it's beyond grim. I'm not from the U.K. but Salford was my first introduction to England (what a first impression!) I remember crying down the phone to my mum about how horrible the place was and also used the Shameless comparison. 15 years on and I still shudder at the thought of the place. I hope your situation changes for you soon and you get out of there Flowers

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 23/08/2020 07:13

I’m sorry - it sounds like you have been unlucky. Doesn’t sound nice. Make the move?

SmellsLikeFeet · 23/08/2020 07:26

Oh PandaEyed13 you poor thing, keeping everything crossed that your situation improves
We do what we can for our children at the time

keepingbees · 23/08/2020 07:28

Yanbu. I feel the same way about where I live. Grotty town in the Midlands, there's nothing to do and got nothing going for it. Where my actual. house is is ok, although unfriendly, but the town itself is run down with a drugs problem. I've lived here for ten years and have not one friend. My DC have no proper friends and no play dates. I've tried and given up. I find the people really strange and unfriendly. I've also had the 'got enough friends don't need anymore' line.
I've lost a decade of my life miserable and yes feel like I've let my DC down by being here too. I've begged and begged my DH to move but he likes his job and doesn't want to. I've said I'd go anywhere as we can't be in much worse of a situation but then he just shrugs and says he doesn't know where to go.
I'm faced with having to leave him if I want to get out of here, which I will do once the DC are a bit older and I can financially do it. I don't want to but I can't live like this forever.
Get out if you can OP, life's too short.

bookmum08 · 23/08/2020 07:35

Are you trying to make friends via your children (stay and play, school, activities etc)? There are other ways. There are probably community groups that have nothing to do with kids. Round my way there are things like a community garden, groups that organise local festivals, book groups, singing groups, art groups etc.
What is your non child related 'thing'? What do you enjoy doing? Have a look on meetup.com or local Facebook groups and see what's out there. Good luck.

TheTeenageYears · 23/08/2020 07:37

@bakedoff are you in KH? We used to live there, left to move abroad. A bit drastic but no plans to return to KH ever.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/08/2020 07:38

You know in a way I think I'd appreciate being told "I've got enough friends thanks" because I've so often suspected that's the case but no one ever says it to me and its hard to know if I'm wasting my time on them.

Immigrantsong · 23/08/2020 07:42

@PandaEyed13

I'm in your boat. I hate where I live too. I'm in Manchester and originally lived in an area in South Manchester that is lovely. Very green, village like, lots of community spirit, I lived there all my life, my parents were just round the corner and my children attend lovely small church school and had all their school friends close by. Then 3 years ago me and my partner were both made redundant...on the same day...within the same phone call...while I was on maternity leave! We both worked for the same company you see and it went under very suddenly and unexpectedly.

So everything changed. We had no jobs suddenly and 2 children, 1 of which was 2 months old at the time! Hubby took the very first job he could immediately find to pay the bills, which was a late shift at a bookies, and we could no longer afford our lovely 3 bed house in our town.

So...we had to pack up and take the only thing that we could afford, which is a 2 bed terrace 8 miles away in Salford!

Oh my god. Let me tell you, the street I'm on now is like an episode of Shameless. There are plenty of children on the street but they are wild. Our first month here a 6 year old pretended he needed help whilst laying in the road while I was walking back down the street with some shopping, but when I approached him to help - he water ballooned me and ran off cackling. The kids howl and scream and fight in the street all day, the parents stand in the front doors all day smoking and gabbing over the fences to each other one day, then swearing and spitting and fighting the next day because their kid was lamped by the other. They burn things in metal trash cans in the front yards, they stuff rubbish in other people's wheelie bins so that the bin men don't take them (the bin men don't take bins that are overflowed here, but hey, the scum bags got rid of their rubbish at someone else's expense so what do they care?!) There's fly tipping, dogs on chains barking in front yards all day, unspeakable amounts of stray cat poo all over the front yard every day, music thumping out of every wide open front door. Because they all sit with their front doors wide open all day so you can see and hear everything that everyone is up to!

I hate where I live too. You are not unreasonable, I'm totally with you. My children are lonely here too, especially my oldest who is 9 and is certainly old enough to deeply miss where we've come from and loathe where we now are. I regularly cry with guilt and deep sorrow at bringing them here. Over my dead body do I want them going out to mix with the kids on the street and none of their existing friends parents want to drive all the way up here for play dates or anything like that. I wouldn't ask them to be honest. I'm way too embarrassed at the episode of shameless that I live in now.

I know I haven't been helpful with advice but I just wanted to say I'm with you! It sucks and I despise where I am too, and I agree that it's not that easy to make new friends anymore. My mum reminisces that when they first moved to their current house and my childhood home 30 years ago, neighbours knocked on the door to introduce themselves and invited them to join neighbourhood watch and a lottery syndicate. Now everyone just puts their heads down and ignores everyone else, never floating out of their core groups, even for a little bit just to introduce themselves to someone new and nervous and possibly isolated.

xx

I live in Bradford and it's exactly like you describe.

Where dreams go to die.

fishonabicycle · 23/08/2020 07:42

Sounds awful. But can happen anywhere I guess. I'm actually in Tunbridge Wells, and met lots of friends through my son's primary school and also a few through secondary. There are a proportion of twatty 'motherland' mummies, but a fair few normal ones too.

Panicmode1 · 23/08/2020 07:47

I'm sad to see Tunbridge Wells being slagged off. I've lived here for 12 years and have made some brilliant friends. I don't recognise the town you are talking about. I can see that during lockdown, groups have been difficult, as have playdates because people have been cautious about mixing. I do sympathise though if you haven't met kindred spirits. We lived in Surrey for 2 years after leaving London and I couldn't wait to leave, it was awful. How old are your children, OP? Have you met friends at the school gates, or nursery? I know PTAs get a bad rap but I've met lovely friends through them. Or a dog? Again, dog walking is a good opener!

Kezziethecat · 23/08/2020 07:51

When I first moved I felt like this. I have been here 7 years now and have only really felt settled in the last couple of years. That was mainly through meeting two, like minded close friends. I also now have a handful of other friends, mainly through baby groups and a hobby I do here. I am not great at making new friends though so another person would probably have found it easier.

AlexanderHalexander · 23/08/2020 07:52

PandaEyed13 - can you move back in wit your parents and save money? I'm so sorry you've a such a shit time Flowers

TheTeenageYears · 23/08/2020 07:59

@bakedoff didn't say she was in T Wells she said around that area. Which I would think means West Kent or East Sussex border.

rose69 · 23/08/2020 08:13

You could try New Ash Green. I don't live there but friends do and have found it very friendly

Jayaywhynot · 23/08/2020 08:24

Same here but for different reasons.
20 yrs ago I bought an ex council house on a council estate, I was a working single parent so it was all I could afford, I still live here.
I live in a quiet part of the estate, like the top corner, we dont get many people walking past as it leads to nowhere.
I worked through lockdown and then got made redundant, I was out of work a few weeks then thankfully started a new job.
During my 6 weeks at home I have seen a different side to this estate that I'd not noticed before. Going for a walk and there are people stood around drinking and shouting and swearing during the day, aggressive teenagers seem to be everywhere, drug deals happen openly, theres been fights in the street, going to the local shop is like taking your life into your hands, woman congregate in the doorway scratching scratch cards and wont move even when you say excuse me, you get dirty looks and verbal abuse. One of them even abused me as I was wearing a face mask.
Theres like another world going on that I never saw as I was at work all day.
My estate has always had a reputation for being rough but I have always defended it to people who dont live here.
Now I have seen what the estate is like during the day I hate it, I want to move but I'm not sure I can afford to, its actually making me anxious

Hairhelp234 · 23/08/2020 08:31

PandaEyed13 Can you move a bit further north? There are some nicer areas in Bury or Bolton? Or rent in a nicer area of Salford like Swindon or Worsley?

Hairhelp234 · 23/08/2020 08:31

Swinton nor Swindon

Swipe left for the next trending thread