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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I hate where I live

67 replies

bakedoff · 23/08/2020 01:44

AIBU to hate where I live? I literally hate it. It’s a housing development in south east commuter belt land. The people are so cliquey. I’ve found it incredibly hard to make friends. They’re all in social groups that are incredibly hard to break into. I’ve tried. I’ve been told “I’ve got enough friends and don’t need anymore”. I feel like I’ve really let my kids down by living here. We’ve had no play date requests over the summer holidays. Literally none. I’ve tried and tried but I’m exhausted of always arranging and chasing and nothing coming back. I’ve never had this kind of trouble making friends/fitting in anywhere I’ve lived before. Has anyone moved somewhere with their kids to somewhere they know nobody and found a really friendly/welcoming community with women who actually do want to be friends and aren’t fake/pretentious? If you have please share your story!

OP posts:
Immigrantsong · 23/08/2020 10:37

[quote formerbabe]@Immigrantsong. I have a few friends and my family...I'm fine but it has been hard for my dd. My ds class was full of friendly parents but when my dd started school, the parents all already knew each other from the area, nurseries that my dc didn't attend and so consequently they're very cliquey and we're on the outside. I remember saying good morning to another mum and she looked at me like I was something she stepped in and said a begrudging good morning back. People are so weird[/quote]
Oh wow shockingly similar experiences then.

We live here all alone, as all family abroad.

I kept being told that as soon as we would have kids things would change as people make friends easier when they have kids.

Biggest lie ever.

Kids both have a Yorkshire accent and they should fit in, but alas they won't let us.

Kept inviting people over for playdates and parties, never get invited anywhere.

We work full time and that took so much effort. Even re arranged things with work, so I could drop off and pick up my eldest from school in an effort to meet parents for her sake. But nothing. No one cares enough to want to be friends. They all have friends.

As a disabled parent and an immigrant this hurts. I feel that I can't do anything for my kids to give them the lovely childhood I had abroad.

Why are people such cunts?

All we want is to be part of life here. We didn't want to be those immigrants that only socialise with other immigrants, as we wanted to make this our country. But this country doesn't want us. They just want us to work and then ignore us.

Callipygion · 23/08/2020 10:39

We moved to Nottingham (30 odd years ago) from Birmingham and were told by a neighbour to piss off back to where we came from 😂. We’d asked them (nicely) not to park their transit van across our drive. Didn’t find the move to Lincolnshire much better either. Went to a few toddler groups and was totally ignored. One woman looked me up and down then turned in her seat to have her back to me after I’d had the temerity to say “Hello” to her.

Ginsodden · 23/08/2020 10:41

Immigrantsong, Bradford is a very mixed place, with areas of deprivation and ‘nicer areas’ dotted all over and right next to each other. I’ve lived in Bradford for 21 years and never felt able to fit in with my local community - friendships made through work saw me through. Three years ago I moved 1 mile up the road and I love it. I’m much more part of a community, made lots of new friends, always some community thing going on. It’s fabulous. And I have an amazing house due to low housing costs. I’d never move now. Bradford’s not all bad. Look for the left wingers and creatives, they are much more appreciative of difference IME.

userxx · 23/08/2020 10:47

@PandaEyed13 What an absolute nightmare for you all. Really hope things turn around and you can move away from there.

Illdealwithitinaminute · 23/08/2020 10:47

We didn't want to be those immigrants that only socialise with other immigrants, as we wanted to make this our country

I would admit defeat and make friends wherever you can find them. If you make friends with people from around the world, from Europe, America, Africa and so on, then others will be drawn into that circle, such as indigenous British people. If my husband hadn't made friends with other 'foreigners', I think he'd have never had friends in the UK! But by making those friends with people who are from a similar background, it widens everything out and you meet more people in general. Trying to crack local networks full of local people who have lived their all their lives will not work.

Easylikesunday · 23/08/2020 10:49

I hate where I live and I haven't had any local friends for 10+ years. I'd just a have to learn to live with it.

Immigrantsong · 23/08/2020 10:52

@Illdealwithitinaminute

We didn't want to be those immigrants that only socialise with other immigrants, as we wanted to make this our country

I would admit defeat and make friends wherever you can find them. If you make friends with people from around the world, from Europe, America, Africa and so on, then others will be drawn into that circle, such as indigenous British people. If my husband hadn't made friends with other 'foreigners', I think he'd have never had friends in the UK! But by making those friends with people who are from a similar background, it widens everything out and you meet more people in general. Trying to crack local networks full of local people who have lived their all their lives will not work.

Yes obviously once we clued up that the natives will not reciprocate our efforts and desires for a relationship, we started socializing with other fellow immigrants.

This has been so easy and effortless by comparison. They are ina similar position as us and reciprocate the efforts.

There are issues though that emerge from this:
Locals see us speaking in other languages and abuse us
Locals stereotype us as immigrants that don't want to integrate

As a result, pretty much everyone from our social network has very negative opinions of the local community.

I can't stop thinking that this is how people get radicalised. Push them away long enough, not include them on anything and then hatrance breeds. I have so much empathy for those struggling to fit in and feel welcome.

Mittens030869 · 23/08/2020 10:54

My DH and I have lived where we do, in a suburb on the outskirts of Leeds. It's a lovely area, with a lot of families, but when DD1 (now 11) started school, it was really hard to make friendships with other mums. DD1 has adoption related attachment issues and other SEN and she didn't make any friendships. She was invited to a few whole class parties in Reception and year 1, but she was never invited to play dates, only when I arranged them at our house.

Things changed when DD2 (now 8) started school, as she made lots of friends and was invited to plenty of parties and play dates. I now have one close friend, whose youngest DD is DD2's best friend and DD1 was included as well in play dates.

I'm not close to anyone else, so I mostly rely on friends I've worked with and from church.

It takes a long time to get to know people, and I'm sorry you're finding it so hard. Cliquey behaviour is unkind; maybe they do feel that they have enough friends but that's no reason to blatantly exclude someone. Thanks

trappedsincesundaymorn · 23/08/2020 11:25

It's not just towns and cities. I live in a village and I hate it. Unless you agree to join in every single organised fete/jumble sale/ church coffee mornings/ etc, then the wrath of others awaits you. If you don't think like, or agree, with those that have set themselves up as the "voice of the residents" then you are not a "member of the village community" apparently. The bitchiness and gossiping about everyone and anyone is endless. I'd love to be somewhere more anonymous where I could do what I wanted when I wanted and nobody would care.

CatAndHisKit · 23/08/2020 18:05

OP you ask how to research - MN is excellent for that! Just post your wish list and possible areas (maybe a separate thread) and you'll get all the info on the demographic / scholls / estates.

bookmum08 · 23/08/2020 19:09

trapped out of curiosity why did you decide to live in a village? Isn't that the point of a village to be a more community based life. Although the bitchiness doesn't sound nice.

Juliecloud · 24/08/2020 10:49

I feel the same. I hate where I live. Most of the people here have grown up here and everyone knows everyone from school or something. Everyone has very established friendship groups that no one is allowed on. They seem to gossip so much about anyone outside of their groups. I hate it and I hate that these are the people my DC are surrounded by.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 26/08/2020 09:52

@bookmum08

trapped out of curiosity why did you decide to live in a village? Isn't that the point of a village to be a more community based life. Although the bitchiness doesn't sound nice.
Because it's where my family live, and where I grew up. After my marriage break up I needed to be close to them for support. (I had depression and needed help with DD. We were living 30 miles away prior to divorce). My dad is in his 80's now and we lost Mum earlier this year, so I'm very reluctant to move whilst he still needs his family close, but will when dad's time comes.
Wanttolearnmore · 26/08/2020 10:56

I'm in Surrey, but I'm not from here originally. I didn't have any friends here until I had children and have been able to make good friends with a couple of other mums when on mat leave with DS. I'd like to make a couple more friends now I'm on mat leave with DD but due to pandemic restrictions this hasn't really happened so far. Some people do chat in the playgrounds/parks etc so I think in general it is quite friendly here, so I'm hopeful I'll be able to make more friends in the future.
I find the "I've got enough friends thanks " response quite odd as IME friends come and go if you move around a lot, you don't stay in touch with everyone, just the really genuine friendships. Obviously these people have stayed in the same place all their lives and none of their friends have ever left? That's quite different from how I have lived. OP I would look for new faces at the school gates I.e. people who have recently moved there as they will need friendships, and also as another PP said community groups based on hobbies rather than children.
It does take a lot of time to make new friends. Immigrantsong I'm sorry this has been your experience, hope you manage to make it to a better area at some point.

bookmum08 · 26/08/2020 12:29

trapped that makes sense. It's sad though that you don't like village life. I have depression too and have found it's the community part of life that has helped me.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/08/2020 12:31

Village life strikes me as a bit doubled edged in that if you are accepted into the local community it's great but if not its harder as there are fewer people to try and build relationships with

ChavvySexPond · 26/08/2020 13:15

We once lived in a place once where everyone seemed to have grown up together and their in jokes and decades of shared history was unintentionally excluding.

However, we briefly rented on a new build estate where they judged your friend suitability on outward material display objects, and visible conspicuous consumption - and that was the worst.

You can never have too many friends OP. They sound like rude wankers.

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