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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner angry regarding quarantine

76 replies

JuicyJoo10 · 22/08/2020 23:56

Partner (we don’t live together) has been in quarantine imposed due to returning from a country on the quarantine list. I warned him before he went that news suggested quarantine is imminent and he still wanted to go as he said he had depression from not going on a holiday in over a year where he does sports to clear his head and do some thinking.

Even the day before quarantine rules came, I warned him but he couldn’t travel back the next day due to having been drinking so he missed the cut off by a day.

When he got back, he was angry that I wouldn’t visit him and suggested I should at 2m distance (saying he’s severely depressed and how could I just desert him like that, he would be with me in seconds if I was upset etc) , that I was being stubborn etc. - 3 days later, he kinda accepted my viewpoint but kept telling me everyday how blue he feels without me, depressed etc.

I had an event to go to yesterday (he was going to take me to it but I decided instead to go by myself due to him quarantining) (he wasn’t even dead set on taking me to yesterday’s event initially saying he might extend his holiday etc which he chose not to do in the end as his holiday buddy wanted to be back home and he missed me and he felt he would be lonely)

He seemed supportive despite it and mentioned again this evening how much he needs me etc. I offered to visit at 2m distance now it’s been 7 days and If he is so depressed still. He very very enthusiastically agreed (whilst drunk) and 20 mins later, Whilst still drunk probably, he texted me saying ‘why couldn’t I take you to yesterday’s event but it’s fine tomorrow for us to see each other? I almost can’t be bothered to meet up. Why the rules? , I will not march to the beat of your drum’ etc etc

AIBU to be furious at him?

The primary reason I even relented is because he has a history of severe depression etc (I already had stuff to do myself planned for tomorrow) and he’s been bugging me about how he misses me, how low he feels, how lonely etc.

In all other regards, he’s fine and has done me lots and lots of nice things, he’s reasonable, very honest, loyal etc but I guess depression will make people more insecure and needier.

Plus, whenever his ex needs their pet looking after (which is now in her ownership) he’ll happily take it on whenever she asks (so he’ll happily march to her drum beat clearly)

OP posts:
HeyBlaby · 23/08/2020 06:29

'he had depression from not going on a holiday in over a year'

Quite frankly laughable and a kick in the teeth for anyone with clinical depression to boot.

ConiferGate · 23/08/2020 06:37

Depression or not, he sounds tedious. I couldn’t cope with someone so needy but it’s for you to decide whether you can.

emilybrontescorsett · 23/08/2020 06:42

I wouldn't contact him. If he contacts you ignore him. He sounds like a dick.

KaptainKaveman · 23/08/2020 06:47

He sounds as if he is highly manipulative and using his depression as a bargaining chip. If he genuinely loved you he wouldn't be doing that.

He knew the quarantine risks and has to suck it up. It sounds as if he has anger issues too. Is he really worth all this work?

Friendsoftheearth · 23/08/2020 07:00

Don't waste any more of your precious life on this man.

He is severely depressed, selfish drunk. Why are you even with him? He is going to bring you a life time of misery.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/08/2020 07:01

@PlanDeRaccordement
Perhaps he genuinely is depressed. But he’s also highly manipulative, has decided to solve his problems by imposing absolute rule whilst actively choosing not to help himself. I understand where you are coming from. However, ops needs and boundaries must come first now. If she chooses, she can offer this help and end the relationship. If she doesn’t, she should in no way feel guilty if she decides to cut ties.

mrsbyers · 23/08/2020 07:04

If he’s got depression first thing he needs to do is stop drinking

Friendsoftheearth · 23/08/2020 07:12

Who cares if he is depressed, he doesn't give a damn about your health op.

latticechaos · 23/08/2020 07:16

@Sennetti

I’d extend his quarantine indefinitely

Life’s too short, move on!

I think this harshly expressed, but I am not sure I could continue the relationship. It sounds like his MH issues are very hard for him to manage.
heartsonacake · 23/08/2020 07:16

@PlanDeRaccordement Whether he actually is depressed or not is totally irrelevant. He doesn’t get to emotionally manipulate the OP because of it.

Pobblebonk · 23/08/2020 07:26

Is his depression actually diagnosed, and if so, is he getting any treatment? It seems to be something that comes and goes to suit his convenience.

Mintjulia · 23/08/2020 07:30

He sounds like a self indulgent prat. Do you really think he's worth the bother?

Scrumptiousbears · 23/08/2020 07:30

It can't be fun being with him surely. I also think he's very manipulative and pulls the depression card when he doesn't get his way. I'd rethink this relationship to be honest.

FlySheMust · 23/08/2020 07:34

There is no joy in this man.

pooopypants · 23/08/2020 07:42

To all the OP who said he's manipulative - this. A million times.

HE chose to go on holiday. Therefore he needs to quarantine.

Also - he should be cutting back on the alcohol if he's so severely depressed, alcohol is a massive depressant. That's not to say he isn't depressed, he just isn't doing himself any favours in life.

Life is too short for this shit OP - think long and hard about what YOU want.

Nomorepies · 23/08/2020 07:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Touca · 23/08/2020 07:48

Get rid

Billben · 23/08/2020 08:02

I couldn’t be arsed with this to be honest. I see such neediness as a weakness.

Mittens030869 · 23/08/2020 08:03

I have clinical depression, it affects my sleep, memory, energy levels and mental clarity. It doesn't make me a wanker.

^This. It really annoys me when people think MH issues give them an excuse to be abusive. Your partner is using his depression to emotionally blackmail you, OP, and it really isn't on.

Porridgeoat · 23/08/2020 08:09

Redirect him to his GP for anti depressants

piscean10 · 23/08/2020 08:11

Yanbu. He's using his depression to manipulate you.

Hepcat75 · 23/08/2020 08:14

He's depressed because he hasn't been in holiday for a year? Jesus. What a prick.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 23/08/2020 08:18

Definitely cut this one loose OP, he sounds like a whiney immature twat.

TorkTorkBam · 23/08/2020 08:23

There are about ten different dumpable offences in that incident alone.

He is lovely except when depression or drink makes him be an utter twat, which is a lot, is NOT the definition of a good man. It is the desperate twisting of a woman with low self esteem with even lower standards.

Ditch him. Work on your boundaries and self-worth

nasiisthebest · 23/08/2020 08:41

I've been suicidally depressed twice. A holiday wouldn't have made a bloody difference, neither would have contact with anyone made a difference unless they were my therapist. He is trying to control you for his own wants and doesn't care about your feelings.