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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner angry regarding quarantine

76 replies

JuicyJoo10 · 22/08/2020 23:56

Partner (we don’t live together) has been in quarantine imposed due to returning from a country on the quarantine list. I warned him before he went that news suggested quarantine is imminent and he still wanted to go as he said he had depression from not going on a holiday in over a year where he does sports to clear his head and do some thinking.

Even the day before quarantine rules came, I warned him but he couldn’t travel back the next day due to having been drinking so he missed the cut off by a day.

When he got back, he was angry that I wouldn’t visit him and suggested I should at 2m distance (saying he’s severely depressed and how could I just desert him like that, he would be with me in seconds if I was upset etc) , that I was being stubborn etc. - 3 days later, he kinda accepted my viewpoint but kept telling me everyday how blue he feels without me, depressed etc.

I had an event to go to yesterday (he was going to take me to it but I decided instead to go by myself due to him quarantining) (he wasn’t even dead set on taking me to yesterday’s event initially saying he might extend his holiday etc which he chose not to do in the end as his holiday buddy wanted to be back home and he missed me and he felt he would be lonely)

He seemed supportive despite it and mentioned again this evening how much he needs me etc. I offered to visit at 2m distance now it’s been 7 days and If he is so depressed still. He very very enthusiastically agreed (whilst drunk) and 20 mins later, Whilst still drunk probably, he texted me saying ‘why couldn’t I take you to yesterday’s event but it’s fine tomorrow for us to see each other? I almost can’t be bothered to meet up. Why the rules? , I will not march to the beat of your drum’ etc etc

AIBU to be furious at him?

The primary reason I even relented is because he has a history of severe depression etc (I already had stuff to do myself planned for tomorrow) and he’s been bugging me about how he misses me, how low he feels, how lonely etc.

In all other regards, he’s fine and has done me lots and lots of nice things, he’s reasonable, very honest, loyal etc but I guess depression will make people more insecure and needier.

Plus, whenever his ex needs their pet looking after (which is now in her ownership) he’ll happily take it on whenever she asks (so he’ll happily march to her drum beat clearly)

OP posts:
Crylittlesister · 23/08/2020 01:08

Partner sounds like a twat. I'd see this as a huge opportunity to ditch the knob.

BeardieWeirdie · 23/08/2020 01:12

Get rid of the controlling, pathetic twat now. And if you likely won’t (because he’s sooo lovely), make sure you can’t get knocked up.

Original poster
JuicyJoo10 · 23/08/2020 01:15

Thanks everyone so far

@k1233 even when he went on holiday, he kept insisting I should go with him and was annoyed I wouldn’t.

OP posts:
TitsOutForHarambe · 23/08/2020 01:21

YANBU. I hope you replied with "if you can't be bothered then let's leave it".

He sounds like a stroppy child. Do you get anything out of this relationship?

eaglejulesk · 23/08/2020 01:23

I'm afraid I would not be continuing with this relationship OP. It sounds like you are in for a lifetime of manipulative behaviour if you do. He knew the rules, but went on holiday anyway, his problem not yours. Sorry, but I don't think his good qualities outweigh his bad.

chickenyhead · 23/08/2020 01:31

Oh how boring is he?

Me, me, me, me

He is suffering the consequences of his own decisions.

I have clinical depression, it affects my sleep, memory, energy levels and mental clarity. It doesn't make me a wanker.

I couldn't put up with that crap, sorry, he is an entitled, manipulative brat.

RightYesButNo · 23/08/2020 01:32

If he has severe depression, he should be on anti-depressants. If he’s on anti-depressants, he shouldn’t be drinking. If he’s one of the rare people for whom not a single one of the 20+ available anti-depressants work (as you say he has a history of severe depression so that’s enough time to try several anti-depressants and find the right one), then it’s all the more important for him to engage in self-care like avoiding depressants such as alcohol. Alcohol is a HUGE mood depressant. And you say he was drunk on his holiday and he’s drunk now that he’s home... is this just bad timing or does he always drink to excess?

Maybe his quarantine is a good time for you to be apart and you to really think about this relationship. Because no, people with depression aren’t necessarily needier. His depression can’t be an excuse for treating you poorly. If you care for him and there are a lot of other positives to your relationship, you can sit down and tell him that. How he reacts will tell you everything you need to know (I predict a massive childish strop, probably calling you a heartless bitch who doesn’t understand).

mrbob · 23/08/2020 01:33

He is a manipulative dick. Do not see him. Rules are rules. Maintain strong resistance and then I agree, extend the quarantine to forever

timeisnotaline · 23/08/2020 01:37

I haven’t been on holiday for almost a year now. I didn’t realise that meant time to throw my toys out of the pram and be nasty to everyone who doesn’t do exactly as I want!

Mincingfuckdragon2 · 23/08/2020 01:49

What @chickenyhead (below) said is so accurate. Leave him to it. Permanently.

"I have clinical depression, it affects my sleep, memory, energy levels and mental clarity. It doesn't make me a wanker."

1forAll74 · 23/08/2020 01:50

He sounds like a needy guy, and very self centered, so will be a pain with this kind of attitude.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/08/2020 02:05

DUMP

RantyAnty · 23/08/2020 02:41

It practically gave me a headache just reading about his whinging arse.

What a joy to listen to his moaning. me me me me waa waaa waa

As others said, depression isn't an excuse to be a whiny wanker.

and of course he needs treatment for it and to stop drinking as that only makes it worse.

Another diagnosed depressed person here who isn't a whiny wanker.

heartsonacake · 23/08/2020 04:31

YANBU. If he didn’t want to quarantine he shouldn’t have gone. He can’t have it both ways.

heartsonacake · 23/08/2020 04:33

I would also be very careful if I were you because he’s using his depression to emotionally manipulate you.

nasiisthebest · 23/08/2020 04:57

This one isn't a keeper.

WitchenKitch · 23/08/2020 05:08

Ugh, get rid of him, he's an emotional vampire.

Whatafustercluck · 23/08/2020 05:19

Sorry op but he sounds exhausting. My sister has now been with a man for 25 years who uses his depression to get her sympathy and manipulate her emotionally. He also has a drink problem which is getting worse all the time - he was hospitalised with it a few weeks back. It's too late for her, she's totally wasted her life hoping he will change on day. Every time he goes on a bender she gives him once last chance. Alcohol and depression are an extremely bad mix. Please give yourself a chance and leave before it's too late.

AlternativePerspective · 23/08/2020 05:51

I haven’t been on holiday for over four years because of my health.

Now that my health is in a better place the pandemic has struck and I didn’t see my DP for four months, and even now I still only do socially distanced visits as I am high risk.

Oh and look, I’m not depressed about it... If he is genuinely depressed then that’s a different matter from you making him depressed.

Doesn’t sound like he’s depressed, sounds like he’s pissed off because he’s not getting his own way and now he’s claiming he’s depressed to justify his shit behaviour.

I couldn’t be doing with that. And the fact you don’t live together makes it all the more easier to get rid of him. You just don’t go back....

Antipodeancousin · 23/08/2020 06:04

If you just want a casual relationship and are definitely not looking to live with this man or have children, it all just sounds like too much hard work for me personally.
If you want something more serious, run.

BiblioX · 23/08/2020 06:10

This is not a good man. This is horrible manipulation using the threat of a medical issue that is truly debilitating. He is using you. You deserve so much more.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/08/2020 06:18

So much ignorance on this thread. No one ever takes a man + depression seriously on MN.

OP, encourage him to dial 111 and ask for a mental health nurse and the crisis team. Severe depression is not something you can help him with directly. He needs professional help. The drinking is very common in severely depressed people who are not receiving any treatment as it is a self -medicating response to numb the emotions and feelings telling you to kill your self. Holidays too are a self-medication because a depressed person has a desire to run away from all the problems causing the depression and pretend they are living a different life.

And given the state of the NHS on mental health, it is very very common for people to be left untreated or suffering on anti depressants prescribed by a mere GP that do not work.

disappointingdessert · 23/08/2020 06:24

Not even slightly concerned that he could pass on corona virus to you is he?!

sweetieno · 23/08/2020 06:26

Quarantine is really showing people for who they are isn't it?

Dump him. He sounds like a total arse.

chickenyhead · 23/08/2020 06:28

OP is not responsible for his mental health, he is.

He is being manipulative, not needy or insecure, controlling and spiteful.

I would not condone anyone stay in a relationship with someone who is behaving like this.