What age do you want your children to be independent?

[Stella8686]

Has the world changed too much for a 20 year old to be considered responsible for their own living arrangements?

Hypothetical discussion as my DD is still in school.

I think perceptions of when your own children should be expected to manage their own life (if ever by some posters) is more like late 20's

I understand it's entirely based on the circumstances. But it was a regular occurrence for my parents generation to be wedded with children in their early 20's. When I was younger it was 26 (ish) now I would say 30+

I live in the north so I think it's still averaging as younger than other parts of the country.

For context I moved out into rented accommodation at 19 and was married homeowner at 21 (chose to wait until 29 for kids)

I am now divorced and rent and my brother rents.

I moved back home for a while. My brother had been made redundant and I wonder if he will move home back home.

Just wondering what the world will be like for my daughter will 40 be the new mid 20's for having it 'together'?

I would love and support her whatever.

From my experience and observations there's a tendency for middle class kids to have an extended adolescence...within my own circle many people live at home until late twenties and even when they do move out are massively propped up financially and practically by their parents.

I do not think this is a good thing

I think it's kind of odd to lump independence together with marriage and kids tbh. I'd assume most people these days would be supporting themselves and living independently for years before getting married and having children. That was certainly the case for me and everybody of my age that I know. I'm 48. I got a flat when I got my first job. That wasn't until I was 24, as I did a further year's study after my degree. I got married at 32 and had first dc at 34.

I'd want them to be independent once they finish uni. But I would be very disappointed if they were married with children before very late 20s. Equally, if they wanted to buy a house in their early 20s I'd do my best to dissuade them. I'd like them to move around for a while , figure out what they want to do and where they want to live before settling down.

@SparklyLeprechaun I agree I would want my DD to have more chance to experience as much as she can before being tied down by a mortgage or kids.

Marriage wasn't supposed to be equalling independence.

I don't have kids but I am curious what you mean by the "having it together". If I had child I would expect them to be independent after graduation if they went to uni, otherwise 19 like I was.

By independent I mean, working and having their own income, living elsewhere and not needing too much support. Basically being a standard adult. Some support is always, always, required but that doesn't mean lack of independence.

Good question. Emotionally independent, aged 16+, but financial independence takes longer due to how society is set up.

So I'd be ok with a 20 year old who was able to come up with a plan and set goals but may not be in the position of achieving it. No tolerance for people who get to 18 and need their mum apply for jobs or any of that nonsense.

I think it’s more about “stage” than “age”. I’d expect to support all my 3 until the end of first degree / professional training / apprenticeship. After that I’d still do what I could. And although I might not offer active financial support beyond that I can’t imagine a time when any of them would not be welcome to have a home with us if they needed/wanted it.

I think it’s more about “stage” than “age”. I’d expect to support all my 3 until the end of first degree / professional training / apprenticeship. After that I’d still do what I could.

Yep, same here.

I have one child who will probably never achieve full independence and will always need some degree of support, another who will possibly be the same, and teo who seems to be following a relatively standard trajectory so far.

For my two NT children I don't really have an age in mind so long as they're taking steps forwards. If they were still at home by their mid-20s I'd probably be suggesting they look at flats but that would depend on their circumstances.

Yes it would differ massively dependant on further education.

I was quite independent as a young adult. Through choice I was buying my own clothes and cinema tickets fr my weekend job at 16.

I got an apprenticeship so was earning money at 18 my parents never asked for it but I saved quite a lot.

I liked being independent and I would like to replicate it with my daughter but I don't know how in this day and age.

On one hand I think 20-25 is still SO young! But I loved being independent. I wouldn't want her to be tied down so young like I was!

I guess I'll just have to take it as it comes! I'd love and support her. I'm a bit soft on her already and I had a tough love upbringing.

I think I've been falling into the 'snowflake' trap. I hate that phrase but I really wouldn't like her to grow up to find an excuse for everything being to hard because reality check LIFE IS HARD! how do you let them learn this without feeling cruel?

Yes stage not age

When to they learn life is hard and not always fair or easy and I can't always bail you out?

I’d expect them to be off doing their own thing at 18, although I expect they will need financial support for much longer.

Like many people I am basing my expectations on my own experience. ( left home at 18. flat shares till 27, then renting on my own. Bought my flat at 31. Had first DC at 36. Married at 38). But at the same time things have changed a lot and we are trying to future proof our home to make it possible for adult children to live with us long term if necessary.

Dh and I were talking about this today.

We are planning on moving more rurally 'once the kids leave' and think that will be in about 10 years. They are 10 so when they are about 18/20. That's the age we expect to not have them home full time BUT we would still buy a house with rooms for them so they would always have a home as long as they needed. It's just at that stage we come first in terms of where to live/what facilities we look for.

However, they both have small inheritances waiting for them at 18 to cover uni costs/training/ etc which means they are likely to be leaving higher education than in better financial shape than some I suspect.

Like a previous poster we're expecting to support through first degree/training stage. That's what my parent did for us and we had them as a safety net after that if needed. However we didn't and got jobs/paid rent/saved for mortgages from early 20s onward.

I was fiercely independent and utterly sensible, a married homeowner at 22, if I were to change anything I would have enjoyed my 20s a bit more.

Regardless I think adult children should be paying their own way once they've completed their education and ideally (if the parents can afford it) for as long as they want and are capable of doing so. I don't mean mucking about changing courses and not completing anything, but degree, masters and even phD though I'd expect this to be part-time. But I wouldn't rush them into marriage or home ownership.

We have a lot of young people where I work, and I increasingly find that I have actually employed them and their mum. They are often very entitled and accuse other staff of bullying at a drop of a hat and make complaints non stop. We have parents reported views and parents occasionally actually contacting us. It is a professional workplace - not a holiday job kind of place - and is very bizarre. I can't say I like it, nor does it make me think the young people are great employees who I want to hold on to.

I think I've been falling into the 'snowflake' trap. I hate that phrase but I really wouldn't like her to grow up to find an excuse for everything being to hard because reality check LIFE IS HARD! how do you let them learn this without feeling cruel?

Make them do a year abroad. God how amazing experience that is! You learn so much and learn how to help yourself because everyone who usually does sort stuff is far. Plus you learn language, experience new culture. Best thing my parents did for me was to pay for my ticket😁

I would think I'd failed as a parent if a 21 year old wasn't able to sort out their own tenancy.

I'd expect them to be practical and have a job during uni so that they'd have that whilst looking post uni.

For me 18 was the time where I found my independence. I feel like that was the age where I stood on my own feet financially (I went to uni but parents didn't financially support that) and it's where my main home was no longer my mum's (though I did go back during holidays for the first year as I was in halls). By 2nd year my bedroom at my mums was fully cleared (by me, she didn't chuck me out). Maybe I feel this way because I met my partner young. We were married in our early 20s so perhaps that contributed. I have loved being independent and feel my marriage contributed to that as we pooled our finances and supported each other which meant less reliance on our parents. It hasn't held us back and we have travelled and enjoyed our 20s a lot. We are quite unusual for our age and I'm very grateful for that. I think I'd have gone mad living at home, I love my mum but I need my own space!

I hope my DC will be similar. I can't imagine them being home in their mid 20's, I love them dearly but am harbouring plans for more travels when they leave.

I expect mine to be living at home until late 20’s, as rent is so expensive and a mortgage deposit will take a while to save. Only an inheritance would allow them to leave earlier.

@fartyface 😱

I am a manager and would say

'As their employer I cannot discuss any personnel issues with anyone outside of the company due to our code of conduct'

It takes time for them to learn the hard lessons and its important to remember that "adulthood" is subjective. Legally they're an adult at age 18 but the human brain doesn't reach full maturity until around the age of 25.

I would like to think we will bring our son up to want to be independent and he definitely will have a good work ethic and not waiting on hand outs, I think though life is a bit tougher in respect of wages and the expense of housing.

He will always know our door is open to him whenever he needs it at any age and we would have no problem helping out if he needed it to set him up. (If he worked hard and just needed a leg up, not if he was a lazy get)

I think early 20s and he will want to be out from the family home or just not return at all from uni.

I think early 20s is only possible if they have some sort of money saved for them by parents and live in an affordable area. I don't have money saved, and I'll support my kids for as long as they need it.

If I can't set them up to live independently, I'll support them until they can get to that stage themselves.

You say you were independent young but you moved home after your divorce (I assume) so always had a safety net there. It is much easier to be independent when there is a fall back plan. For many young people there isn’t that chance to take those risks anymore. Home ownership, the cost of renting, high university fees and debt, low paid jobs all put paid to “independence “