What age do you want your children to be independent?

[Stella8686]

Has the world changed too much for a 20 year old to be considered responsible for their own living arrangements?

Hypothetical discussion as my DD is still in school.

I think perceptions of when your own children should be expected to manage their own life (if ever by some posters) is more like late 20's

I understand it's entirely based on the circumstances. But it was a regular occurrence for my parents generation to be wedded with children in their early 20's. When I was younger it was 26 (ish) now I would say 30+

I live in the north so I think it's still averaging as younger than other parts of the country.

For context I moved out into rented accommodation at 19 and was married homeowner at 21 (chose to wait until 29 for kids)

I am now divorced and rent and my brother rents.

I moved back home for a while. My brother had been made redundant and I wonder if he will move home back home.

Just wondering what the world will be like for my daughter will 40 be the new mid 20's for having it 'together'?

I would love and support her whatever.

I left home at 17. I will allow DS to live at home for however long he wants, I don't want him to be skint and struggling like I was. I'd certainly expect him to contribute financially and do housework though.

When to they learn life is hard and not always fair or easy and I can't always bail you out? Honestly from about nursery. Timmy will get to play with the paints or Billy will push them over. Mary Jayne will speak their pencils or kids their best friend. They'll work hard and yet not get a good grade. They'll fall out with friends or get bullied. Loved ones will get sick or die. Pets will die. Their hearts will get broken. They'll fall exams or lose out at interviews or get gazumped on a house. A million little things teach them life is unfair sometimes and hard, and you bail them out where you can and you protect them when you can and you're just there to listen whilst they cry if that's all you can do.

When they're ready

I moved out at 18, married by 22 and kids at 28

But I have always pressed on DC to stay at home as long as possible. I seriously regretted moving out so early as my friends stayed at home and could take advantage of low paid internships which set them up to faster career progression. I couldn't do that as I needed to pay rent.

I think if my kids haven’t expressed an interest in getting their own place by 25 I’ll start suggesting it to them.

I'd expect a child to be able to go on a holiday with mates without me by age 16

I'd certainly expect them to be able to live independently by the time they finish their education (which I'd expect, with out kids, to be finishing university).

I owned a home from age 23 - not that I was some amazing high flyer, I just inherited property from my aunt. Unless things change massively, I am expecting our kids may have to live with use for a while to get set up for life, and I would probably prefer them to stay at home and save money for a few years rather than shoving them out the door the moment they have a job, but will certainly aim to prepare them for life - I don't think I'd charge rent, but I might insist on them saving a certain amount of money per month if living with us.

I think a really good piece of advice about learning that life is hard is to try not to protect them from disappointment - eg, if they're going for the main part in a play, but they've never been more than '5th tree', you don't say 'Well, that is a big part and you're not very experienced so don't expect to get it' - you say 'It'll be an interesting experience, good luck'. They may be more disappointed if it doesn't happen, but you've let them experience that. I use a similar approach if daughter announces something overly ambitious!

Independence is a wide field, isn’t it.
Own rented house but using granny for childcare may feel independent, but is it?
Owning a house but mother coming to tidy up every so often? I have a good friend whose mother came to clean and do laundry until she was about 50 and granny was getting older. She was definitely independent in many ways but there remained a certain degree of dependence that worked both ways.
My eldest two have their own houses, are on good salaries but still have a need of us quite often. That might be financial, it might be advice, might be to decompress after a hard day.
Is independence really always a good thing? So often it’s forced onto young people when it should be a gradual transfer and a gentle glide into full adulthood.

I left home initially at 18 to go to school abroad for a year then went back home and within 18 months has saved to travel to the UK. Within a day of arriving I had a live in pub jo, then went temping and landed a good job so bought my first home at 21. My parents had nothing to do with my finances after 19.

I can't imagine my DCs having the same independence and am often amazed how many of my friends here still rely on their parents to buy them cars, pay school fees and contribute to a bigger house now that we're in our 50s.

Oh I do. ad nauseam which is when it becomes reported speech. You just want to say. Look shut up, this isn't bullying, someone just asked you to do something that is part of your job. If you don't want to do it, please feel free to find other employment

As far as I can see, it's not about young people being less independent than they used to be: it's about wages not keeping pace with housing costs. My 20yo is a perfectly adult young man, but the low-paid job that 20 years ago would have allowed him a share in a run-down flat just doesn't pay enough these days. I'm sure he'd love to move out, but it's not an option at the moment.

Tbh the time we were young, when young people could afford to move out on a minimum wage income and get married in their early 20s, was probably a bit of an anomaly, historically speaking. Go back further in time and it was common for people like servants (a large proportion of the population) to have to save up for a decade or more before they could marry in their late 20s or 30s.

Surely a lot depends where home is and where work is?
I went to boarding school from 13 and only saw my folks at half term or holiday. When i left i took a gap year and was pretty much abroad from july until mid sept the following year, went to uni 300 miles from home in the October. Graduated with a job in London and my parents lived in Wiltshire.
Id expect both our kids to be capable of looking after themselves by the time they left school and would encourage them not to live at home once they have jobs.

It depends is the only meaningful answer. If my children choose university I think it's absolutely my responsibility as a parent to support them through a bachelor's degree. That means paying for accommodation or having them live at home if appropriate. However I don't think university is the be all and end all. I also don't think parents should necessarily support adult children financially through open ended eternal studying. (A second bachelor's, Masters, PhD) nor be expected to pay for fancy accommodation rather than clean, safe basic accommodation with shared facilities.

I've always said to my children that as long as they're in full time education and unser 23 we'll fund or part fund them. If they choose not to remain in education they'll definately need to pay towards bills if they live at home and maybe pay rent depending in circumstances.

In the country I live in parents are legally responsible for their children If they're in full time education until age 27! But in that situation parents can still claim (non means tested, universal) child benefit til the "child" is 27!

In most cases I'd say the answer to your question is anywhere between 18 and 25 depending in whether they choose Fürther education or not though. Much later is getting perilously close to failure to launch...

Wherearemymarbles presumably you weren't financially independent until you were 22 then. Being able to live away from home is very different to being financially independent.

In Scotland you are obliged to financially support your children to 25 if they are in full time education. Children can sue you if you don’t pony up. Few do but it’s possible.

Yes learning life isn't always fair and parents can't save them from every little mishap/ minor unpleasantness starts happening in tiny ways as soon as they're spending regular time away from parents - so usually from about the age of 3! Gradually increasing during school age, selection for teams and so on, the usual minor unfairness of school life - being told off as a class for something they weren't involved in, detention for being late when it wasn't thwir fault... They go away in school trips and have tiny tastes of being away without parents etc.

That happens automatically if you send your child to school... Obviously you have to let them fight their own little battles whilst having their back and being there for big stuff. It starts decades before they leave home though! Same with learning self care - from dressing themselves at 3 to cooking and laundry at 9-13 or so to finances and planning for their future and how to apply for jobs, how to handle relationships etc slowly throughout secondary age, and driving licences at 17/18 etc etc.

It's fairly much what parenting is after the intense keeping them alive 0-3 phase!

I am of Indian origin so my perspective is a bit different. Independance isn’t moving out and relying on parents for basic stuff. It means running a household even if it’s your parents’. By that logic almost every Indian origin person I know, raised in a fairly traditional way, has been independant by their 20s at the latest (usually about 21-24). It doesn’t mean they can’t rely on or ask their parents to do things for them (you definitely can!) but it means you pay the bills, you cook and clean, and you make the decisions.

Things don’t always work out as you’d planned and you can find yourself with a child in their late teens undergoing an acute mental health crisis/late diagnosis of a neurodiverse condition disrupting the “typical” timeline you had in mind!

There’s enough guilt/shame/worry about the future without others telling me I’ve failed as a parent because dd is still going to be here at 21.