Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd16 and 🚬 who is right?!

64 replies

BetterCallSaul99 · 22/08/2020 17:10

She isn't full blown smoking but kind of shares with friends. She also smokes weed at least once a week. I'm not happy about either and am hoping she will find a new group of friends who don't have to do this shit to enjoy life. She has no idea ive spotted her smoking. So we are away as a family for a few days and this is day 3. She has gradually got more and more moody and wants to go home on her own which I've said no. Her dad, who used to be a smoker for at least 25 years and struggled many times to give up over the years before finally cracking it thinks we should let her as he understands her suffering. I strongly disappointed. It would be us paying for it as she has no job, I don't want her to smoke for health or financial reasons and I think allowing it is ridiculous. And setting her up for a lifetime of it. He thinks it will stop her foul moods then we can all stop being on edge and relax and enjoy life more! Who is right?

OP posts:
OceanPacific · 22/08/2020 17:12

You are right.

mbosnz · 22/08/2020 17:12

Well, for me, I'd be discussing it with her, as calmly as possible, letting her know that we've copped on to the fact that she is smoking, and doing weed every so often. I'd want to know how she was planning on supporting these rather expensive habits, because we sure as hell weren't planning on doing so!

RandomTree · 22/08/2020 17:16

I'd be very disappointed, but it will be hard for you to prevent her smoking outside your home.

I wouldn't let her leave the family holiday early though.

FiligreePot · 22/08/2020 17:18

You are right.
After seeing what it can do, I’d never knowingly allow DD to smoke.
To be fair to her she’s seen what it can do and is pretty vocal about it since she was little.
Your DH is so very very wrong.

Original poster
BetterCallSaul99 · 22/08/2020 17:34

I forgot to say also a good year ago this happened before. She was very subdued and clearly upset about something. She eventually confided in me that she was vaping and smoking a bit too much and didn't want to. It had got out of hand and she seemed genuinely frightened. I bought some nicotine patches for her and she got through it. She agreed she never wanted to start again and told me she was proud of herself as her friends still did. Unfortunately after lockdown she went wild and was drinking loads and hanging about with a bigger group of people from school and they all smoke and drink too much so she's obviously joined in.

OP posts:
SmudgeButt · 22/08/2020 17:37

Mention that you can smell smoke on her clothes. Jokingly comment that you hope it's her friends and not her that's smoking. And then give her the stinger line "kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray". She's more likely to be concerned about being popular and attractive than getting some disease decades into the future.

If that doesn't work then set her a math question. "your dad smoked 2 packs a day for 20 years before quitting. how many cars could he have bought himself instead?"

Love51 · 22/08/2020 17:51

I went on a school trip in 6th form with a smoker, we were the only 2 girls, all the rest boys, so we were paired together for almost 3 weeks, and I still remember how annoying she was in withdrawal. I'd tell her you know she's withdrawing from nicotine and get her patches / nicotine gum / vapes / whatever but not allow her to go home. Point out that she's done the hard yards by the end of the holiday and might as well quit for good (unlikely but it might help a bit).

Love51 · 22/08/2020 17:54

My mum used the 'obviously joined in' line about my brother (her version was following the crowd). He said to me he was surprised she didn't realise he was leading the crowd. He was an arse til he hit 30.

Littlepaws18 · 22/08/2020 18:06

What?! How is this even up for discussion?! She is 16 which is against the law anyway and wants to take a 50/50 chance on dying at a young age of an incredibly painful disease just because her friends are!!! And your ex wants to encourage this because he has not drive to quit and to stop her being moody?!!! Your not going to win any parent of the year awards with that attitude.

It's her life, it's absolutely important her health compares to nothing else in the world. You need to educate her into the disastrous choice she has made not give in because it might be a bit tough.

Also this idea that a bit of weed here and there is fine is rubbish too! It can seriously damage mental health and is a pathway for more lethal drugs.

Be a parent and stop her from ruining her life.

diddl · 22/08/2020 18:11

She wants to go home because she can't go any longer without a smoke??

And her dad is OK with that?

Or have I completely misunderstood?

WorkinWomansBlues · 22/08/2020 18:12

I’ll be honest...

If I were you, I’d let her smoke privately, away from the family on this holiday- on the proviso that when she gets home, she quits and you’ll support her through it.
Make it clear you don’t condone the smoking.

She is a young adult- a few more fags aren’t going to be a “life or death” difference, and you could really build trust and set your “adult” relationship off on a good footing.

If she goes home, she’ll smoke more than she would with you, and if she stays and doesn’t smoke, you’ll all be miserable.

WorkinWomansBlues · 22/08/2020 18:14

Also - weed smoking is totally normal at that age. FAR better to dabble at 16, get it out of her system/ understand her limits within a relatively safe, supportive family/friends framework, than to be totally bloody naive, get to uni, and bosh a load of ket or whatever shit she’s handed by some dickhead fresh off his gap year with a penchant for Chiang Mai partying.

FitbitMum · 22/08/2020 18:18

As pp said, weed is normal at that age it's what they're all doing. That doesn't make it safe or healthy or right but there's not a lot you can do about then experimenting with it.

Definitely don't let her go home, definitely don't fund her disgusting habit and definitely don't condone it.

You've got to be 18 to purchase for a reason. When she's 18 she may have grown out of it but even if she hasn't then she'll probably be able to fund and purchase herself if it's still something she's got to do.

Tell your DP that by letting it happen it's allowing her addiction. An addiction that will only get worse and she's 16 ffs she shouldn't depend on cigarettes

Pixxie7 · 22/08/2020 18:20

I agree with a pp and suggest patches or similar if only to stop the whole holiday being spoilt.

TSSDNCOP · 22/08/2020 18:21

Ah yes, I remember well the family holidays when you couldn't sneak off for a fag.

My mum was on to me from the off and made sure I didn't get a second to sit down that wasn't filled with holiday activities, fetching and carrying etc.

Without my knowing she thoroughly enjoyed herself coming up with more and more ideas. No way would I have been going home and hell would've frozen before she'd funded me.

None of this actually prevented a 25 year habit you understand, but the point of being a parent is to jot facilitate a dangerous habit.

MRex · 22/08/2020 18:22

I'd get her some nicorette mints to see her through and have a calm chat about how you understand it's hard but you don't want to enable her smoking, not only for health reasons but because it's so hard to give up.

aLilNonnyMouse · 22/08/2020 18:24

If she wants to leave because of the cravings, then get her a nicotine patch for now. Say you want to talk about it when you get home, but would like to enjoy what is left of your holiday for now.

heartsonacake · 22/08/2020 18:26

You’re right. I would not be allowing her to smoke, regular cigarettes or weed. It’s totally abhorrent, and no, smoking weed at that is not normal.

heartsonacake · 22/08/2020 18:26

*at that age

Starfish1021 · 22/08/2020 18:28

Can’t you buy her some nicotine gum or patches? Supporting her to smoke is ridiculous.

ActionNeeded · 22/08/2020 18:33

Oh bless her - if she’s done 3 days without nicotine that’s the worst part surely!! Would you be amenable to buying her patches again? Might make the rest of the holiday a bit more pleasant for all?

On the other hand, you’ve done patches once already... do you think she really did manage to wean herself off nicotine altogether or was she still on nicotine replacement when lockdown hit (and it all went a bit crazy with the larger group of friends)? Its a ba*** drug... you have my sympathies OP, sorry I can’t be more helpful.

SunshineCake · 22/08/2020 18:35

You are right. Your husband is an idiot. Pay to let your daughter do something that could kill her just to stop her moods !Hmm ??

lowlandLucky · 22/08/2020 18:35

Simply point out that she can not smoke cigarettes in your house or garden and that you will not be funding her other than food, essential clothes, toiletries and any school costs. If she has to fund her own entertainment, phone and other costs she will soon realise she can't afford to smoke. As for the Cannabis, make sure she understands that it is illegal and if she is arrested by the Police she will have to deal with them and pay the fine. She is old enough to make these decisions

AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 22/08/2020 18:42

I’m in my mid thirties and never took up smoking seriously, I was only ever a social smoker in my late teens/early 20s. However I was so scared of my parents finding out that I lied to my Dad about a pack of 10 menthols in my glovebox being someone else’s when I was 25. No way on this Gods green earth would my parents facilitate my smoking at any age, let alone two years below the age of legally buying fags! They would have had my guts for garters.

Buy some patches if you must to make the holiday nicer for everyone but no way would I be letting her smoke.

heartsonacake · 22/08/2020 18:45

Oh bless her - if she’s done 3 days without nicotine that’s the worst part surely!!

ActionNeeded Bless her? Confused This is something she inflicted upon herself; I’d have no sympathy whatsoever for her.

She made the stupid decision to start in the first place so now she can face the consequences of that. If there’s suffering, tough shit, she knew what she was letting herself in for when she took it up.

Swipe left for the next trending thread