My mother and her nasty comments

[anxietyaunt]

It's been a really shite time in general and a particularly shite week. It's one of those times in life where it doesn't rain it pours. Most notably this week I have spent time in hospital with my very sick child (unexpectedly), and when finally released I had to have an MRI myself to investigate multiple lesions on certain organs that showed up in a routine ultrasound. Waiting for results but it doesn't look good. Hopefully I'm wrong.

Now I've picked up a nasty cold and feel dreadful and exhausted from the hospital stay. Thankfully my child is much better but it was really scary for some time there. He's very young and his condition means he could end up critically sick again in future and now I'm terrified I might not be around to make sure he's okay.

Sorry to ramble on. Anyway, I spoke to my mother today who knows about my child (though downplays the severity of his condition) but not about my lesions. Rather than ask about him she carried on about how deflated she was after a lunch with her friends whose children had "amazing" jobs in diplomacy and academia. I tried to laugh it off and said her kids had interesting jobs too which she rejected and said it was all very disappointing for her and she had nothing to say at the lunch.

To be honest I'm stressed about having a job at all given what's happening in the world and the fact I keep having to call in sick given what's been happening. I could lose it at any moment and we seriously can't afford for me to not work.

I realise I'm dealing with a lot she has no idea about (she was nowhere to be seen when one of my siblings or I were sick as children) but AIBU to be upset she can't read the room better? She's got form for taking pot shots at me in particular and tends to strike when I'm down.

I voted YABU but by that I mean you're being unreasonable to look for comfort from your mother. YANBU to want it though.

It is obvious she is concerned about herself, how she looks to other etc not you unfortunately.

I'd reach out to someone who does make you feel understood and cared for. I'm sorry that's not your mum

@Laserbird16

I voted YABU but by that I mean you're being unreasonable to look for comfort from your mother. YANBU to want it though.

It is obvious she is concerned about herself, how she looks to other etc not you unfortunately.

I'd reach out to someone who does make you feel understood and cared for. I'm sorry that's not your mum

I realised after I posted I was being unreasonable to expect anything better from my mother. It’s not at all surprising. Guess I just needed to vent. She’s said and done a million times worse than that but still stings sometimes.

If she has always been like this, she is not going to change now.

OP - my mother showed no interest in me or my children preferring my siblings and their offspring. I snapped inside after she said something mean to my oldest child who was three . I saw the pattern and broke it by cutting her off. It was more honest and a weight off my shoulders. I never regretted it at all.

I understand. My mother hurts me all the time with her pot shots. Any chance to be nasty she takes it and then she wonders why I don't confide in her and look to her as a friend. My friends don't take delight in point scoring nor are they selfish.

It took me a long time to realise it wasn't anything to do with me. My mother is very insecure and this is how she tries to make herself feel better especially when I'm not fawning over her boosting her self esteem.

This realisation didn't stop it hurting but I know I can't expect what others with more usual mother/daughter relationships could.

I hope you're all right

I’m sorry to hear about your mother @Laserbird16. It all sounds very familiar. When I was young she would guilt me into confiding in her, calling me out for never telling her anything, yet when I did she would use it as ammunition. Hence why I haven’t told her about the MRI etc. I’ve become better at letting it roll off, but my defences are down at the moment.

It’s so strange because all I can think about is what will happen to my son if I’m not there for him. I didn’t leave his side the whole time in hospital. Not during any of his previous stays there. I was in hospital as a child once and she didn’t even visit.

Are we sisters?

Do you have someone in RL to chat to? Give them a call. I find most people want to be there for you when you need help. It sounds like you could do with a big hug.

@Anordinarymum I’m sorry about your mum too. I had taken a huge step back from my mother too and then she went through her own health crisis last year and being the only one of her children nearby got drawn back in.

I think years ago having children was expected and as such those that, in this time wouldn't have, did . They aren't really into being mothers. Re prioritise your thoughts of her from 'mother' to 'batty old lady' and this will help you get past the sense of rejection that she's enjoying by the bucket load.

@Laserbird16

Are we sisters?

Do you have someone in RL to chat to? Give them a call. I find most people want to be there for you when you need help. It sounds like you could do with a big hug.

I wish! You sound lovely. My siblings aren’t the best at dealing with crises (wonder why) and one of them is battling through his own horrible situation. My closest friends are all dealing with their own dramas so I haven’t told anyone. I recently started seeing a psychologist though so glad for that. As for hugs, my beautiful boy gives me lots of them. My mother has never hugged me in my life! When I take emotion out of it it’s actually very sad. Having a hug from my son is the best thing in the whole world for me. Yet the idea of hugging me turns my mother’s stomach.

*emmiting not enjoying.
Sorry . Fingers crossed for you on the heath front x

OP I spent years being a good daughter to my mother. Nothing I ever did was good enough. She caused trouble between her children and then neatly side stepped when the shit hit the fan.

She hurt me so much precluding me from family meets, dinners, birthdays etc and it went on for years. I felt like the poor relation all of the time.

I think a good maxim could be that your mother is not your friend - she's your mother !

Good luck with your MRI💐

Hug your boy close and one benefit of having a less than ideal mother is you know what not to do and make a conscious effort to be a better mother for your children.

Big virtual hug for you!

She definitely not my friend, but since becoming a mother myself I struggle to see her as that either to be honest @Anordinarymum

*she’s

Yanbu. Have you a dad or siblings, partner or friends to confide in?
She sounds horrible. Go low contact for now and see how you feel in the longer term when things have settled.
Good luck with your MRI. Fingers crossed for you and sorry it's been a shit week.

What a hard week OP, and so exhausting.

You know what she's like, you realistically have very low expectations of her.

You need to be looking after yourself and your own family.

There is nothing to be gained by having her toxicity sapping the little energy you have left at the moment.

Step right back and make no apology.

You are busy with your family.

Her pot shots at you mean.

Don't accept it.

Finish any call or visit when you hear one.

But for now, put her and her unkind ness out of your mind.

Best of luck to you.

You have to get to the point where her pot shots no longer hurt, and that is done by realising that she will NEVER be the mother you want/need/deserve, and has never been the mother you wanted/needed/deserved.

Once you have done this, you will feel stronger and able to rethink what it is she brings to your life. And it will stop stinging.

She let you down, she still lets you down. Is her presence worth that!?

It still hurts because you are still hoping she will change. She won't.

I went NC with mine at 18, and didn't realise for a long time that I deserved better than her, but that she would never be what I deserved, and that was ALL on her, not me.

It was hard for me at the time, but once I grieved for her and who she should have been, I have never felt freer.

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments.

The odd thing was it was almost like she wanted me to sympathise with her during this particular conversation. “Sorry my siblings and I are such a disappointment to you. You really deserve to have children you can boast about with your mates.”

For the record, my siblings and I all get along and are nice people. We’ve each worked in (what I would consider) interesting professions and achieved more than my mother has career wise. I’m also more educated than she is, though she dismisses my studies because apparently “they’ll give anyone a degree these days”. I have no doubt we could each have achieved significantly more if we had been encouraged rather than constantly criticised.

I'm so sorry @anxietyaunt you've had a really tough week.

Well done for surviving it & keeping calm in the middle of such a worrying time.

Your mother has behaved appallingly - she's not even fulfilling the most basic of roles as a mother, or even a decent human being.

I'm glad you're getting some professional help, there's a lot to unpick there.

It's not a lot of help but now you need to minimise your contact with your mother & I hope there's someone you can turn to for support.

Best of luck with your diagnosis & hope DS recovers well 💐

OP, I'd be very very tempted to tell her exactly what REAL disappointment looks like...

Perhaps write a list of ALL the ways SHE has failed as a parent.

Whether you repeat any of them to her is up to you...but it might help you disengage even more emotionally from her.

You and your siblings have thrived despite, rather than because of her.

Feel for you not easy times. I get digs too. They really not nice. Same thing she will say what x is doing. I recently said yeh good for them I dont really care what they do!! Think she tries get a reaction out of me. She has a nasty side to her

YANBU to be upset and to want better from your mother. But you have to be realistic and put more distance between yourself and this person who is in the habit of being horrible to you.
We all want to believe that our mothers love us and want the best for us but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way.
She may improve her behaviour when she realises it's causing you to avoid her, but there's no guarantee of it.

Your mother sounds a real piece of work. Who should reap what she has sewn, in terms of relationship with her offspring. As in, nothing. De nada. Zilch.