I am angry, jealous and sad......mid life crisis?

[Evergreentreeleaves]

I am 50 years old and I haven’t led what you might call much of a life.

I married young (18) to my childhood sweetheart, we met at school. I know I got married very young as my parents were alcoholics. There was much fighting, worrying about having a roof over our heads, worrying if we would have proper food to eat.
I had doubts about marrying my husband he could be quite nasty but I thought no one else would want me, I felt so ugly and I wanted to get out the house, away from my parents. I remember when we moved into our own home (which we bought) I felt safe, and I felt at peace.

I have ALWAYS lived in a dream world. When I was a child, I would dream that my parents weren’t alcoholics, we would have a lovely home, I did well at school, I was popular at school, and I had lovely clothes and I was beautiful, everyone wanted to be my friend. Those dreams carried on into high school and into my work place and I still have those dreams now except I’m an adult.

Since getting with my husband way back in the day, I have had little crushes on other men, I’ve never ever done anything about it and would never do anything about it, (My husband Had an affair once so I know what it’s like to be cheated on) but I end up dreaming of what my life would be like if I had gotten with them.

I am angry at my parents for not loving me enough to give up alcohol. I just think my life would have been so much better if they were better parents, maybe I would have had some self worth, some self esteem. Maybe I would have done better at school rather than worrying about what would happen when I got home later that day. Maybe I would have had more friends because I would have had decent clothes to wear rather than all the money being spent on alcohol.

Maybe I would have stood up to the bully’s in school and In the world place. Maybe I would have stood up to my husband when he was nasty.

I get jealous when I see young girls out with their mums, shopping, going for lunch. Or see if you get girls just out enjoying themselves with their friends and going shopping, I didn’t have any of that. As soon as I was working I was saving for a mortgage. I even get jealous of my own kids because I make sure they have those opportunities, but I always think, why me? Why couldn’t I had those opportunities.

I heard my daughters friends talking about their gran taking them shopping. I never even had that. My gran was a very “well to do” lady, had money, Lovely clothes, Beautiful house, but was as stingy as sin and would see us going without. Oh she knew all about my mum and dad but did nothing about it. I always remember her comparing me to my female cousins, how they were so clever and so clean, so beautiful. I don’t ever remember her being very affectionate. I know she didn’t like my mum so I’m not sure if that was why she was the way she was.

So all this makes me so sad and angry and yes jealous. I KNOW there are people out there who had it much much worse than me, but I can’t help now I feel.

I’ve felt like this for years but recently it’s got worse.

I am so unhappy.

And the funny thing is, I work with vulnerable kids, and I’m always telling them nothing is their fault and building them up, but I can’t feel like that for me.

Oh, OP. What a sad post.

Have you ever had counselling to help you come to teems with your past?

*terms

I understand op...my parents were loving 'normal' parents but my mum died when I was young and my father became an alcoholic. I absolutely did not reach my full potential because of all this. Sorry, no advice as such but sympathy.

I’ve tried counselling but it hasn’t worked, and with my job I would need to say I’m going for counselling and with my manager that would just open up a whole can of worms which I just can’t be dealing with. I’m just so exhausted with all that I’m feeling.

Do you know what I would never do anything to hurt myself or anything like that, I couldn’t do that to my children BUT I so cannot wait until the day when I’m not here anymore so I don’t need to feel like this.

That sounds really really crap op.
Get some counselling
Work out what you want your life to be like now and start making lists of steps on how you'll get there.

Ahh bless you. You had a tough time but still managed to bring up kids and give them opportunities and not follow in alcoholics footsteps. I think you are amazing. It’s your turn now. Go and treat yourselves to some nice clothes in the sale start with posh undies. And nice shoes. Build wardrobe slowly. Enlist a help of instore assistanr. Same with perfume. Superdrig hehe trained fragrance people and good buys.
Is there any friend or work colleague or female relative you could do a nice lunch with ? Be brave I’m sure lots of people want to hang out with you xxxxx good luck xxxxc

I'm so sorry to hear your story- my upbringing had some of the same elements as yours.

I truly think that as we get older, we start getting to the ' root causes' of our issues. It isn't comfortable.

You can't change the past, but it's not too late to love and nurture yourself. You still have many good years left, you can make the most of them.
Make healthy self care your absolute priority. Get rid of all the ' I should haves' that are lurking in your brain- they are soul destroying.
Be your biggest champion. You have faced some terrible circumstances, and made it through, so stopjudgibg yourself so harshly. Love yourself the way the people responsible for you when you were a child didn't.

Is it possible to get some counselling?

It isn’t too late to get some help to change your mindset. You can’t change your past (and I am sympathetic) but you can change your present and your future and take control of your own happiness. It sounds like you need someone to help you though, there is no shame in asking for help. Life can be filled with small pleasures, you can be proud of who you are and what you have achieved, you can even be happy for others without comparing what they had or have to your life. I really believe it can all be done if you reach out and see the right therapist. Sorry your past was so tough though.

@Evergreentreeleaves your manager should be supportive of you getting counselling. It’s only going to enhance your ability to cope with issues your clients or service users have and is nothing to be ashamed or apologetic about at all. In fact if you’re regularly working with vulnerable young people and issues re raised it is essential you are supported to handle the feelings their issues might raise.

I’ve got really good friends now. I’m so lucky to have them. I think it doesn’t help that I’m unhappy in my marriage and it’s not as if he A bad husband now. I read some stories on here and I think how “lucky” I am but in the past he has been horrible and verbally abusive.
He has apologised for how he was in the past and would give me anything now, but I’m unhappy although I think I’m unhappy in my marriage because of how I feel about my past if that makes any sense at all?

I feel as if I’ve missed out on so much and I am always wondering what it would be like to be with someone else (I would never cheat) but I think I am unhappy/bored.

So sorry you feel like this OP, that must be so draining.

A way to happiness IMO is by focussing on the now and the future, instead of the past.

The past cannot be changed. It’s done. But you can make changes for the future.

Daydreaming isn’t bad, I like to do it myself, but try and dream about things in the future not the past. If there were no limits, what would you like to do? What skills would you like to learn? What would the ideal version of you in 5 years look like?

It’s easier said than done, but some people get stuck in the past and mull the same injustices over and over in their mind. With no resolution ever. As you can’t change the past.

Keep day dreaming but dream about your future you and the person you’d like to be, and take small steps towards that goal.

And be kind to yourself

Such a sad post OP.

Everyone you should have been able to rely on has let you down. Your parents, grandmother and your husband.

You need to unpick all this with counselling. It’s not going to go away. I know you say it hasn’t worked before but maybe you weren’t ready then or maybe the counsellor wasn’t a good fit.

I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time

Would you be open to some self-help book suggestions?

I think I would like some sort of counselling but I dint know where to go other than my GP and I don’t want to go there as I have to do a medical every couple of years for my work and I just don’t want my work to know, and I can’t afford to go private.

I was going to go to Al-anon but that was just before lockdown happened.

LunaNorth I have tried to read self help books before but they haven’t helped either, I just feel that I really am not worth it. I’ve never had anyone in my life to have my back so all the positive things I should think about myself don’t apply to me.

Can you investigate some kind of online private counselling? The pandemic has made a lot more available online that wasn’t previously.

I feel you OP and I wish I could wave a wand and make those feelings go away.

But.... You are 50....you are not past it so I would consider doing some of the things you think you've missed out. I would also try and channel the anger into something useful... Boxing class perhaps.

I think and I could be way off, you need to find peace with your inner child.... It sounds totally woo but I discovered this as part of my PTSD journey because I believed I was not loveable, I didn't deserve to be happy etc. Look into it.....

And as for not wanting to approach your GP, if you're working with vulnerable adults aren't you supposed to be able to access counselling more readily to deal with issues that you are hearing from the client???

There are Al anon meetings online too, which might be helpful at the moment if you want to try them. I think some groups have slightly different approaches to each other, so if one doesn't suit, I would say don't necessarily write them off.

Do you want to stay in the marriage for another 20 - 30 years?

I can understand where you are coming from, I’m not going to highjack your thread with my circumstances but I had a similar upbringing, not alcohol but verbal and physical abuse and I’m still angry in my mid-40s I moved out at 17.

For the last 30 years I’ve been occupied with life and now my dd is older it’s manifested into angry what could have been thoughts. It’s as though life adrenaline is reducing.

Counselling might help with a different counsellor you can arrange this yourself via the NHS website.

I’ve found self help books rubbish and patronising bollocks but did find personal accounts of survivor biography type books sometimes helpful, it’s interesting how other people turned things around.

You poor thing, I feel your pain completely. I see loving parents with their (adult) children every day and get very upset about how my life could have turned out if I had only had supportive, loving parents. Mine thankfully weren't alcoholics, but they were uncaring, emotionless, and a lot of the time, truly unkind, and my self esteem has always been rock bottom as a result. I also lived my entire childhood in a dreamland, desperate to escape. I married the first man I met as I thought nobody else would want me, and we now can't stand each other. We bought the first (crappy) house that we found, as I felt I didn't deserve any better. I can't help but get upset about the life I could have had. My children are the best thing to ever happen to me, and I'm desperate for them to never feel this way. Big hugs for you.

I don’t want to access the counselling via my work, I don’t want to say exactly what I do, but my employers will get to know about it, that is a complete no.

I’m working a lot from home just now and I’ve looked at online counselling but my oldest daughter is home just now as she has lost her job, so i can’t do that either (the ones I’ve looked at do zoom or telephone) I get absolutely no peace or alone time at home and I dint think I would want to sit in my car for an hour talking to someone I would rather be at home.

No one has any idea how I feel I hold it all together very good and every now and again when I have to go out, I park near a field and sit in my car and scream. I have what you would say very big shoulders!

Your post really touched me. I’m sorry you had to go through that as a child. I don’t have any advice but hope you find some peace with these emotions

namechangetheworld I did the same thing, married the first man who paid attention to me, I’ve been with him since I was 15 but I know he loves me and as I said I do love him but more of a companion than a husband.

FAQ’s. I honestly don’t know if I want to stay in the married for another 20-30 years. It’s not a marriage where I dread him coming home or I dread going home, I feel as if we are going through the motions. He has made mistakes in the past but poured his heart out to me one time about how sorry he was for the way he treated me and would do anything for me now. So I think I’m unhappy because of how I feel that I’ve missed out on things because of my childhood.

If I were to tell my husband how I felt he would be heartbroken. It would come completely out of the blue for him