I am angry, jealous and sad......mid life crisis?

[Evergreentreeleaves]

I am 50 years old and I haven’t led what you might call much of a life.

I married young (18) to my childhood sweetheart, we met at school. I know I got married very young as my parents were alcoholics. There was much fighting, worrying about having a roof over our heads, worrying if we would have proper food to eat.
I had doubts about marrying my husband he could be quite nasty but I thought no one else would want me, I felt so ugly and I wanted to get out the house, away from my parents. I remember when we moved into our own home (which we bought) I felt safe, and I felt at peace.

I have ALWAYS lived in a dream world. When I was a child, I would dream that my parents weren’t alcoholics, we would have a lovely home, I did well at school, I was popular at school, and I had lovely clothes and I was beautiful, everyone wanted to be my friend. Those dreams carried on into high school and into my work place and I still have those dreams now except I’m an adult.

Since getting with my husband way back in the day, I have had little crushes on other men, I’ve never ever done anything about it and would never do anything about it, (My husband Had an affair once so I know what it’s like to be cheated on) but I end up dreaming of what my life would be like if I had gotten with them.

I am angry at my parents for not loving me enough to give up alcohol. I just think my life would have been so much better if they were better parents, maybe I would have had some self worth, some self esteem. Maybe I would have done better at school rather than worrying about what would happen when I got home later that day. Maybe I would have had more friends because I would have had decent clothes to wear rather than all the money being spent on alcohol.

Maybe I would have stood up to the bully’s in school and In the world place. Maybe I would have stood up to my husband when he was nasty.

I get jealous when I see young girls out with their mums, shopping, going for lunch. Or see if you get girls just out enjoying themselves with their friends and going shopping, I didn’t have any of that. As soon as I was working I was saving for a mortgage. I even get jealous of my own kids because I make sure they have those opportunities, but I always think, why me? Why couldn’t I had those opportunities.

I heard my daughters friends talking about their gran taking them shopping. I never even had that. My gran was a very “well to do” lady, had money, Lovely clothes, Beautiful house, but was as stingy as sin and would see us going without. Oh she knew all about my mum and dad but did nothing about it. I always remember her comparing me to my female cousins, how they were so clever and so clean, so beautiful. I don’t ever remember her being very affectionate. I know she didn’t like my mum so I’m not sure if that was why she was the way she was.

So all this makes me so sad and angry and yes jealous. I KNOW there are people out there who had it much much worse than me, but I can’t help now I feel.

I’ve felt like this for years but recently it’s got worse.

I am so unhappy.

May I ask why you have stayed with your husband if you are unhappy in your marriage? Would the freedom of being single open up a new world of opportunities perhaps? You cannot change the past but you can change the future - 50 is plenty young enough to start over with either someone new or to spend time single and discovering the real you within. It seems like circumstances have stifled you. Your DH has treated you badly in the past, and even if he seems changed now that doesn't mean you are obliged to stay if you are unhappy.

OP that was sad to read and you haven't had any luck with your family of origin, you didn't deserve any of the sadness and neglect that happened when you were young. You sound tough and sensible to me from your post, which are great qualities that you must use to your advantage now. You are only 50 and can make changes to get to a life you would prefer but none of us can tell you what that new life will look like because we don't know you. Have a really good think (or daydream as you have described it) about how you would feel peace and happiness now as an adult and then sort it. You are not a powerless child like you were when the daydreaming first started as a coping mechanism. I have always done this too since childhood and I use it to get ideas for goals to work towards now. Sincerely wishing you the best of luck, take the power back xx

It helps when you realize that your parents gave you the best they could. They gave you what they had...It sounds like it was trauma but if you managed to break the cycle you should be proud of yourself. That IS A MASSIVE achievement and makes you a much stronger person then your parents(and grandparents) were.

Hmmm. You know what OP, I'm going against the grain here. You are 50 years old. At some point you need to own your choices and what you've made of your life and stop blaming it all on your childhood. Your posts are full of excuses as to why you can't access counselling - your work, your daughter being home. Quite frankly, these are not real reasons. You'll need to do the hard work of facing yourself and the part you've played in the way your life is now, which is scary. You don't HAVE to stay with your DH. You can make moves to change career if it's really the case your work would be difficult about you attending counselling - which reads rather oddly to me, and certainly doesn't sound like a decent, supportive work environment.

I'm not trying to be cold here - I too grew up with an alcoholic parent and some really significant life trauma. There are certain things I've still not faced, but I own my life and my decisions and I recognise they are my responsibility because I am now a grown adult and have been for a couple of decades. You are 50. Time to wake up, be brave and take responsibility. None of us choose the shit that happens in childhood but how we deal or don't deal with it as adults is on us.

Also, and I'm sorry to write this, but your DC will know you feel jealous of them and it will have an impact on them. Perhaps I sound rather harsh but I am dealing with the utter devastation of a sibling who let envy take them over, who never took responsibility for themselves and the decisions they made as an adult but decided they would take everything they hated about their own life out on those around them. They very nearly destroyed me. That's what envy does and that's what consistently blaming other people does to you. Do you want to be on your death bed thinking about a relationship and a life you never wanted, never fulfilling whatever it was you were put on this earth to do and still blaming your parents? We all have choices OP, all of us. Including you.

OP I'm so sorry. It sounds like you've had a terrible time and you're absolutely right, it isn't fair. I went through something a bit like what you describe when I went to uni and realised how fucked up my childhood and family were compared to other people's. My self worth plummeted and I felt like I didn't deserve anything or anyone. When my first year boyfriend broke up with me (I absolutely idolised him and his family, they were Waltons perfect and he was so... clean) I finally got some counselling and I remember going through quite matter of factly some incidents in my childhood and with my family that I struggled with and I remember this woman sort of staring a bit and said "you do know this is all really not normal, don't you?" And actually that really helped me - that acknowledgment that of course I was a bit fucked up, that it wasn't my fault.

You might be having a similar moment watching your kids grow into the age you were when you feel things started going downhill for you, or entering stages of their lives you missed out on because of your background. It doesn't mean you resent them; you're just having an old wound poked at and it hurts.

Please don't give up on being happy. My poor mum killed herself 2 years ago after finally getting rid of the terrible husband who had been draining her of joy for years, I believe simply because she was too afraid to go forward and thought that at 60 her new life wouldn't hold anything good. She too had a difficult childhood and pitiful self worth. She was a challenging mother, but as a person she was AMAZING. Absolutely amazing and had no conception of how special she was. I miss her every day. I wish she hadn't given up, had thought about what she really wanted from life and gone out and grabbed it by the bollocks.

Sorry for the burble. But basically please, don't resign yourself to just making it to the end of your life for the sake of your kids. You're in your 50s, you could live another 50 years. If you don't want to spend them plodding through life with a man who doesn't make you happy, feeling like you've missed out on opportunities... Please don't. Forget about everyone else for a minute and think "if death were not an option a d I had only me to think about, what would I do to feel happy?" And then start working to get as close to that dream as you can.

You deserve to come first in your one and only life. You really do.

Op in so sorry. My story is very similar Nd I too feel bitter about how heavily my life chances have been impacted by growing up with awful and abusive parents. I too married the first man who made me feel safe.
I never feel good enough despite seeking out a good education and decent job. I won’t push myself it take risks and that increases my feelings of bitterness. I’m sure that’s probably the case for you too and I’m sorry.
I can’t advise other than you are not alone. Please look at nurturing yourself inner child- it feels soo but has been helpful to me. It’s a painful process but has helped me move on a bit

So sorry op for all you have gone through. But you need some help to guide you through what could be the next 50 years. You deserve to live out your life happily, I know this because everyone deserves to be happy,

You can’t change what has happened, but you can change how you react to your past in the future. With help you can learn to use all the negatives about your past to create a better present and future.

You have already done this to help others by making sure the same issues that affected you did not affect your daughters so you have the strength of mind and spirit to make changes to the cycle, you just need to recognise that you, yourself, are worth the same amount of effort and love. Start each day by saying “I deserve to be happy”
And really mean it. Think of one thing you are going to do that day that will make you a bit happier, even if it is just smiling at a stranger, listening to some music you love, doing some yoga or meditation. Going for a run. When you go to bed think of something that made you happy that day, did you have a role in making it happen and again remind yourself that you deserve to be happy. Find things that you are grateful for, your daughters, your physical health etc and say thank you or express your gratitude (it doesn’t matter to whom -whether a higher power or a friend) for this thing. Some of this is fake it til you make it, but seeking and expressing happiness and gratitude is so important.

OP - for you
You’re not BU
Experiencing certain emotions isn’t a bad thing.
It’s how you act on them that makes the difference

A wise person wrote this: ‘make friends with your anger’. I’d advise you to do this; you have good reasons to be feeling angry for what happened to you in the past, it’s a case of using that energy to move forward and work on making life feel closer to how you want it. Our 50s can be brutal and can bring us into contact with all our unfinished business. I do feel counselling could help you, but I’d advise finding someone who can work with trauma. Re-telling the events that caused pain has the potential to cause further pain, and I think your ‘daydreaming’ is an escape from pain. A trauma-informed therapist will help you work with your past in ways that feel safe and that don’t re-traumatise you. No ethical therapist will divulge details of what you discuss with them to your employer. Some private therapists may be able to negotiate their fees even if they don’t advertise this.

and I dint think I would want to sit in my car for an hour talking to someone I would rather be at home

OP, for heaven's sake!! Surely sitting in a car isn't the worst thing in the world. Stop making excuses. Have a look at locus of control....

Doesn't sound like your marriage is serving you OP. Would you miss him if you divorced? Or does the idea relive or excite you?

As mentioned above "inner child" work can be very useful in this scenario. It does sound daft and I did really cringe when I first got into it but as another child of an alcoholic it has really, truly helped me. I stumbled across it on Instagram. Look up "the holistic psychologist". She focuses on reparenting your inner child - I.e being the parent to yourself that you never had growing up. If you're not on Instagram look her up on YouTube.

You can still turn this around. So sorry you're going through this

Linaya I had written out a whole post to you but I’m not going to bother.

You have no clue what I went through in my childhood that has come back to haunt me now, you have no clue with a few post I’ve put on here about how bad I actually feel. Just because you had an alcoholic parent doesn’t mean you went through the same as me.

You don’t have a clue what job I do. As I said I’ve had counselling before, it didn’t work. It’s not an excuse, I cant access it through my GP as I need a medical for work every couple of years and my work get a copy of my medical records. It’s not an excuse that I don’t want to do a zoom/telephone counselling session as my daughter will hear, I don’t want her to hear what I went though.

I’m glad you found your strength oh my god to be able to be strong enough to find the strength to make the right choices and sort your life.

Oh and to say my children will know I’m jealous of them, I can assure you they don’t. Just because your sibling couldn’t hide their emotions doesn’t mean everyone else is the same.

OP.
A lot of areas now do self referral for psychological treatment, search your postcode here www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Psychologicaltherapies(IAPT)/LocationSearch/10008
There would be no need for your employer to know.
Also you might benefit from a psychologist specialising in trauma rather than a counsellor.
Good luck

Ah, I hit a nerve OP I see. You can sit in your car to talk to a therapist. You can find an alternative therapist if the first one is no good. You can realise your emotions leak out in your body language and a thousand little tells and that your kids will know. They know on some level. And you know they know. I am sure you feel terrible. Believe me, I have been there. I have run the gamut of despair, I have been an inpatient in a mental health ward, and had the crisis team involved, I have had multiple suicide attempts and I am scarred over the vast majority of my body through self-harm. I know those very dark places well. You know what did not help me? People patting me on the head, saying poor you and letting me off the hook. I still had to take responsibility for my life. Humans are capable of the most remarkable acts of courage and redemption. It's good you're angry at me - I can take it. Channel it now into a massive fuck you to me if you like and use the energy to get yourself to a better place. Lots of love to you.

Also, leave your husband if the relationship no longer serves you. Your journey is your own. He will have to follow his path.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. We really can't change our past but can make peace with it. If I were you I would find a church near you and speak with the Pastor, they offer great counseling. Or on your own, pray to Jesus Christ to give you peace, he is always near to listen. Bless your heart.

I hear you, OP.

What worked for me was 'One in the bank.' Every time you spot an even vaguely happy moment, bank it. You've had that moment, it's yours, it can't get away. I set my bar low - if I had a roof over my head and little physical pain, I counted myself happy.

It will feel awkward and silly at first but in a while you'll notice that you're happy more often. Then, 'follow your bliss' - whatever makes you happy, do that.

I'm older than you. I want to enjoy what's left of my life, and sod what went before.