To feel guilty about this present?

[Iom92]

I have 3 brothers. We were never treated equally by our parents when we were growing up (in terms of birthday presents etc). I never got much in comparison to my brothers, and it really hurt. We also have lots of cousins. It was my birthday last week and one of my grandparents gifted me a (imo) large sum of money. They have started doing this fairly recently, yet when we were all children we got a ‘token’ gift as there were so many grandchildren and everyone was kept the same by the grandparents.

I contacted my mum to query if the sum of money I had been given was correct, as it seemed like a lot. She replied with a comment along the lines of, all the grandchildren who keep in touch are being given this amount.

My extended family is big, and there’s always someone falling out with someone else. I’m a bit of a peacekeeper and just want everyone to get along and be treated the same. AIBU to feel guilty over receiving this money when I know other cousins haven’t? I also feel guilty because it’s my grandparents “policy” that partners of grandchildren only get a birthday card, and no gift. DHs grandparents treat me as they treat him.

I’m grateful for the money, and it’s very kind BUT I’d rather get less and know we’re all the same/our partners get a little something (I’ve been with dh for almost 20 years, so it’s not like we’re just dating!). AIBU for feeling bad accepting the gift?

They wanted you to have it, I don’t see any problem with it.

What @radioband said. Also, perhaps your DGPs want to balance out your parents' favourable treatment of your brothers when you were children, who knows?

I don't think it is at all unreasonable not to send gifts to those grandchildren who don't keep in touch. Although I suspect once they realise what is happening, they might just pick the phone up after all.

Why should they give money to cousins who don't visit them? They treated you all the same when you were little and it sounds like now you're adults they're more generous to those who bother with them. I think you feel this way due to the discrepancies in how your parents treated you and your brothers, which is understandable.

Its fair imo, you make the effort with gp and they treat you well in return. I would never expect them to send a gift to dh though, a card and joint christmas money is usual here

With respect, you are coming across as a bit of a martyr.

They've given you a gift, so you tell everyone what you got potentially stirring up bad feeling. Can you not just quietly accept it and thank them?

As for your partner, it's up to your family and his family how they want to treat you both on your respective birthdays surely?

I'd not expect my MIL to give me the same value gifts as she does her son, I don't expect anything at all to be fair. A card is more than enough acknowledgement.

Every family has a different way of treating their immediate kin and the in-laws. So long as they're pleasant and polite whats wrong with a card or small token?

The only person I expect a bit of effort from is my partner really, and it's reciprocated.

Why on earth would grandparents be giving money to their grandchildren's partners? If you want your husband to have something, then share it with him. Your grandparents are absolutely right - they bother about the people who bother with them. If you. want to keep the peace then keep your business to yourself and don't discuss it with other family members.

Oh for goodness sake, you were kindly gifted some money and you’re on here moaning about it. I feel sorry for the poor grandparent who can’t do right for doing wrong. Give the money to your DH to make up for the fact that the poor little sausage only gets a card on his birthday if it makes you feel better

If it's making you feel uncomfortable then it's not a good gift. I'd give it back or do something with it that makes you feel good.

Just enjoy it and thank your gps.

I think it's a good policy, why should they give money to people who don't bother with them?

It also sounds like there are quite a few grandchildren, so it's kind that they even get partners a card.

I think this all makes sense and sounds very fair. In terms of partners, if I was gifted a large some of money I would treat it as money for me and my DH and child.

*sum

It's up to your grandparents, no point feeling guilt over what they choose to gift!

I would just accept it and share it with your partner if you feel bad about them not getting something

Thank you to those of you who have been able to reply (both agreeing and disagreeing with me) without the passive aggressiveness! Frazzledasarock, I haven’t mentioned this to anyone in real life, so not sure how I can be guilty of “telling everyone what I’ve got and stirring up bad feeling”.

I will enjoy my gift, and not feel guilty. I think due to some issues left over from my upbringing it’s almost as if I needed to hear people say “it’s fine, you are allowed this” before I could enjoy it. If you don’t understand where I’m coming from, you’re fortunate.

Yes, I think I will spend it on something for us as a family! Good suggestion, thank you!

I contacted my mum to query if the sum of money I had been given was correct, as it seemed like a lot. She replied with a comment along the lines of, all the grandchildren who keep in touch are being given this amount.

I was responding to this.

It's your gp money,not yours,to decide where it goes.They have gifted it to you.accept with Grace and thanks like an adult.
All this faffing about who should and shouldn't have their money is complete nonsense.

It's their money and their choice. No need for any guilt.

You're being rewarded for being a good person and keeping in touch - reading between the lines, that would imply that some of the grandchild don't bother. Your grandparents want to show their appreciations, so let them and enjoy the money however you see fit!

Accept it quietly, gracefully and graciously, say thanks with sincerity, and enjoy it.

What you’ve been given is nothing to do with anyone else, least of all your mother, who - given your upbringing - really is the last person you should be checking this sort of thing with.

Be happy that they think well enough of you to be generous in this way.

Agree with @JengaNonConfirming - your grandparents are free to give better gifts to relatives who actually bother to keep in touch with them. Accept with grace and enjoy - feel free to share it with your partner!

Tbh I can't believe this is a problem for you. I'd love to have grandparents let alone ones who gifted me money. They obviously love and care about you, do you have so little to worry about this is actually an issue for you?

I'm sorry if I'm being blunt but you really do sound like a martyr.

Look relationships change over the years. If you are genuinely closer and in touch more with them then you have to accept that as humans these family members will feel closer to you which results in things being different with you than the relationship with a cousin they haven't seen since a wedding 3 years ago. After childhood especially once everyone is properly into adulthood the whole fairness and treating all "the children" the same thing has to have logic added to it!

I make an effort (because I enjoy their company) to keep in touch regularly by phone and before covid regular visits with both my grandparent and my uncle as a result I have a close adult independent from my parent relationship with both.
My siblings have never really bothered. They see them at functions and if they all are at my parents house for example and they do love them but they don't have an actual affectionate "friendship" relationship with them.

As a result I may receive the occasional present that my siblings don't but then I think I probably also give them better (more personal) presents than my siblings do (if they do at all) not because of competition but because I know them better and it isn't a chore thing for me I don't think of it as oh I better remember to by grandma a present or dad will be mad i forgot her if that makes sense.