To feel guilty about this present?

[Iom92]

I have 3 brothers. We were never treated equally by our parents when we were growing up (in terms of birthday presents etc). I never got much in comparison to my brothers, and it really hurt. We also have lots of cousins. It was my birthday last week and one of my grandparents gifted me a (imo) large sum of money. They have started doing this fairly recently, yet when we were all children we got a ‘token’ gift as there were so many grandchildren and everyone was kept the same by the grandparents.

I contacted my mum to query if the sum of money I had been given was correct, as it seemed like a lot. She replied with a comment along the lines of, all the grandchildren who keep in touch are being given this amount.

My extended family is big, and there’s always someone falling out with someone else. I’m a bit of a peacekeeper and just want everyone to get along and be treated the same. AIBU to feel guilty over receiving this money when I know other cousins haven’t? I also feel guilty because it’s my grandparents “policy” that partners of grandchildren only get a birthday card, and no gift. DHs grandparents treat me as they treat him.

I’m grateful for the money, and it’s very kind BUT I’d rather get less and know we’re all the same/our partners get a little something (I’ve been with dh for almost 20 years, so it’s not like we’re just dating!). AIBU for feeling bad accepting the gift?

The choice of gift is up to the giver. It's not up to you to second-guess your grandparents' choices.

If you don't want the money, quietly give it to charity. Don't stir things up by trying to manage their relationships with others, including how they interact with your husband. You don't necessarily have all the facts about your grandparents' relationship with your cousin.

If gifts freely given make you feel this anxious and guilty, perhaps you need to speak with a counselor.

I’m trotting out a MN classic ‘you seem like hard work’.

Surely it's your partner money as well? As your together and you share it. I mean mostly whatever you buy or save will benefit him too?

Also it's like early inheritance and you don't usually leave your dc partners anything!!

Just accept it gracefully.
Op it's not your business to control how or why they spend their money money.

For all you know.. Maybe they are giving this now to you and actually will leave far more to the others! What would you do then?

This is very different to one child left out of thousands or millions in a will.

It made them happy to give it to you, so smile and say thank you.

The bit I do think is a bit weird is expecting your gradparents to do anything to recognise your husband's birthday. Why on earth would they bother with that? you've already said they have a large extended family; who needs the added hassle of doubling the birthday effort by adding everyone's spouses?

Your parents, yes, a gift to a son in law is normal, but grandparents? My DH's gran never once sent me a birthday present, and rarely a card. We'd been together 20 years when she died.

You’ve been rear-ended by your immediate family your whole life. Your brothers have been given more by your parents than you have. You have stayed in regular touch with your GP and they appreciate it. They perhaps also saw the inequality you suffered at home. Take it, say thank you and enjoy it.

Your grandparents' policy re gifts sounds very sensible and normal, even if they didn't have a large family of their own. I can hardly believe you're criticising them for this.

It's for you to share their kind gift to you with your DH if you wish to.

As for your cousins, if they haven't bothered much with their grandparents why should they be treated equally? It's very different from the injustice you suffered from your parents.

Yes, I think I will spend it on something for us as a family! Good suggestion, thank you!

You mean you wouldn’t have shared if it wasn’t suggested to you to do so?Sometimes I think I live in a different world

I’m interested to know how old you are, and the grandparents! You say that you have been with your partner for twenty years. I lost my last grandparent at ten, and my children oldest is 21 only has one grandparent remaining. Anyway, enjoy your gift.

They’ll be giving away large sums now to save you all paying inheritance tax on it later, so if you don’t take it, that money will be worth 40% less when the time comes.

Just thank them, and accept that this is a) a kind gesture and b) a sensible financial move on their part. Presumably you can buy something that your H will also get to enjoy with that money, so the fact that he only gets a card on his special day doesn’t really make a difference - this can be a shared gift for you both if you choose.

The fact that your brothers were treated better than you your whole life has clearly affected your self esteem - I hope you’re having some counselling or doing some work building yourself up to try and deal with this. It sounds shit for you

I think it’s quite unusual to expect grandparents to buy gifts of equal value for their grandchild’s partner. It’s not the done thing in any family I know. I’d be surprised if most grandparents even knew the date of their grandchild’s partner’s birthday.

I also think it’s completely reasonable to only give gifts to those who actually bother to stay in touch.

This reminds me of what has happened recently in my mother's extended family. My mother had 9 siblings, and 3 of my uncles never left home (even though they all had good jobs) as they were emotionally blackmailed to stay by my grandmother to look after her.

My grandmother died 25 years ago. The last uncle who was still living in her house died late last year. My grandmother had left her entire estate (which was extremely large) spilt 3 ways to the uncles...and they in turn left their shares in their wills to the uncles who they shared the house with. So when the last uncle died he not only had my grandmother's estate, but also the estates of his two brothers.

My mother thought he would leave the whole lot to charity. She found out last week that he changed his will 2 weeks before he died, leaving the estate to 2 of my cousins. Basically the amount is so large that both could now retire before they are 45 and live off the interest it will generate.

My mother still thinks that my grandmother should have treated all her grandchildren equally - there's only 5 of us, myself and my two brothers, and my two cousins. However, my mother went total NC on her family for nearly a decade, at a time when my grandmother was seriously ill. Although she did resume contact before my grandmother died, I don't think it was ever truly forgiven and certainly not forgiven by the family. My grandmother left nothing to my mother, we were not even mentioned in her will. The same has happened with my aunts and uncles, there are only 3 siblings left and none of the other 6 (who were all also very wealthy) have left anything to us. Unlike my mother, I accept this reasoning. Just because we are family, doesn't mean we automatically have a right to any family money...I hadn't had any contact with my grandmother or uncles in 20 years when they died. I would have thought it weird if they had left me anything.

should be 'truly forgiven and certainly not forgotten'

If it's a massive family it seems sensible on your grandparents part to just give monetary gifts to the grandchildren who make an effort. This is their decision and their own business. And if there are a lot of grandchildren it would be very hard for them to keep on top of when all of the partner's birthdays are and get an appropriate present , they may find it hard to know the partners well enough to know what to get them if there's a lot of people.
If you get a generous gift from them again I wouldn't mention it to your mum or anyone else - it's just between you and your grandparents.

Why are you planning to spend your present -a birthday present - on your whole family? Why can't you spend it on something nice for you? You're sounding like you feel you don't deserve it. It is a present, it is for you, you don't have to share it. Is DH saying you should?

I think it's their money to do what they want with. They treated all the children equally, now you're adults they're gifting money to those who stay in contact. That's fair enough as it's quite hurtful when family stop contact. I think you should be grateful and phone them to say thank you, also keep quiet so noone else knows!

It isn't your choice to make OP. I would honour their wishes and be grateful.

Why should your grandparents buy your partner a gift just because his get you one???

In fact everything you've said sounds bonkers. Stop being so silly.