to be feeling so desolate

[Rosebyanothername19]

I dont know what is wrong with me. I have a beautiful house, a hard working (if slightly absent) husband, a beautiful baby and a brilliant group of friends. But recently I've just been feeling so overwhelmed and like a failure.

I see other mums who are out and about with their children all laughing and having fun and i can barely manage a walk down the lane and cant think of any fun activities to do. My friends invite me out and I just feel like i can't face it but then i feel guilty for letting them down and not making more effort so i go but then feel awful for not talking more or worry that I haven't asked them enough questions and that I must be terrible company.

I try to work and I just can't focus and feel overwhelmed. I dont even have that much to do but its like I cant face it.

I worry I'm failing at being a good enough daughter, wife and mother. I feel like i don't know what I'm doing. The worst was when today I picked my daughter up from nursery and she was happy to see me but didn't put her arms out to me and kept looking back at nursery as we were walking away and it just broke me. I've basically spent the rest of the evening fighting back tears that even she knows I'm not good enough.

Sorry for rambling. Short of just telling me to pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself does anyone have any advice on how to pull myself out of this black hole?

It sound like you’re depressed. Have a chat to your GP - you don’t have to feel this way.

You should be able to access some form of talking therapy as well as any medication your GP might discuss with you.

You are absolutely good enough, by the way. But depression makes that very hard to believe.

You are good enough. Being a mum is hard.
But you sound like you possibly have postnatal depression. Go and visit your GP - they will help?

you do sound depressed . A common illness. Treatment vaires .
Speak to your dr or hv .
Good wishes and hope you feel better soon.

@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels I don't think I have any reason to be depressed though! Gps are stretched at the moment as it is and I worry I will just be wasting their time?!

I'd pick one thing from each of your list, husband, baby, friends, and don't forget yourself and do something positive

For example go on a date with your husband (child free) even if it's just for breakfast or lunch.

With your little one take a trip to the beach or the woods

With your friends maybe just go round for a cup of tea

And do something nice for yourself !!!! A long bath, nice walk, but something non mummy

And maybe speak to someone about how you are feeling.

I promise your little one doesn't love nursery more than you x

Does depression make you feel foggy, forgetful and tired? Or is that just normal for being a parent? I've been blaming it on baby brain and breastfeeding.

@Phillymouse everyday?? My friends all live about half an hours drive away so its hard just to pop in for a cup of tea. Maybe I'm just making excuses though. I just wish everything didn't feel so hard.

@Phillymouse thank you though. I will try to do them!

I hardly post here but felt loved to do so - yes, depression does make you feel groggy, tired and very can’t-be-bothered. I felt like this for months (incidentally it was when my third child was 4 and my eldest 11, so it can come any time) and kept telling myself the same things as you - nothing to be depressed about, can’t be that.

Eventually at the gentle insistence of good friends and patient husband, I went to the GP and tried sertraline which, after a month or two, immeasurably helped. And everyone benefited :)

*Loved = moved.

[quote Rosebyanothername19]@ExtremelyBoldSquirrels I don't think I have any reason to be depressed though! Gps are stretched at the moment as it is and I worry I will just be wasting their time?![/quote]
You're not wasting their time; you aren't well. Your feelings of inadequacy are classic depression signals, especially for PND. Please, please get in touch. I promise they won't think you're wasting their time.

I felt exactly the same after my 2, with my second i didnt have depression until she was aged 2, but I thankfully I recognised it starlight away.
I was just thinking today about how I didn't go to my neighbours 60th birthday and sent my husband off alone because I felt like I would be terrible company and just felt shit.
That is so different to how I am usually that I couldn't quite understand why I did that.
Kts the depression and jt doesn't mean that there is anything to be depressed about its those bloody hormones and feeling tired and overwhelmed.
Please definitely seek help for it.

Oh I feel for you OP. Just know that depression isn’t rational. You can have lots of things to be grateful for & still get depressed. Feeling like a failure is a key symptom. How old is your daughter?

It might be worth just having a look at one of the NHS depression questionnaires to see how many of the symptoms you have. The first time I was depressed I didn’t realise it for a long time. I promise the GP won’t think you’re wasting their time.

@VetNurseAspirer thank you so much for responding. I have just read that I would still be able to breastfeed if they prescribed me that so that is a big relief!

If you don't mind me asking, did you get better or is it just something you then live with and manage day to day?

Had to post to say depression absolutely makes you feel foggy, forgetful and tired. Your post could have been me 2 years ago, anti-depressents then anti-anxiety tablets saved me. This isn't the way you should feel, you deserve to feel happier...see the doctor. Xxxx

@Lucy40ishere thank you for responding! She is just over 1.

Thank you so much everyone. Im now crying that I might be depressed but also slightly relieved that I'm not just a useless excuse for a person.

I absolutely got better. The meds helped to up the feel-good shenanigans in my brain (they’re based on serotonin uptake action). Once the side effects wore off (fairly mild, took a while for sleep at night to settle but the doc gave me zopiclone sleeping tabs to combat that) I had the headspace to begin to help myself, if that makes sense. I’d say 6 months down the line I was totally different - a year down the line I felt able to come off them with no ill effects. Game changer for sure.

The main thing to say here in glowing neon letters is that it’s not a fault, a failing or an unusual thing. The mental load of parents now is different, I feel, to decades past. We can’t do it all and yet we still try to until we get to where you’re feeling now. Hormones in the mix definitely don’t help!

@Lucy40ishere oh gosh I've just googled the NHS symptoms and I have most of them! I've lost a stone in the last month and still dropping and my periods have stopped but I just thought it was because I've had to cut out dairy and eggs as my little one is intolerant. Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it!

@VetNurseAspirer I'm so pleased you got better and are doing well now! Thank you for being so supportive. I think i will book an appointment with my gp tomorrow.

@Rosebyanothername19 yes definitely do book an appointment. And book one with the GP you like the best, that really helps. They will likely get you to fill out (tick boxes) an “Edinburgh Scale” questionnaire, standard approach. Do be honest as you answer. And if they say “well, this doesn’t show a result of likely depression” just insist that you disagree. I also found it helpful to keep a journal (I do on and off anyway) and within that wrote down stuff I was feeling. Reading these entries back is helpful in showing yourself (and the GP) that you’re not feeling right and makes it harder to just brush it off as nothing to worry about.

That is absolutely depression!
I know VERY well the “How DARE I be depressed, I have nothing to be depressed about”
BINGO! That’s exactly it.

Please get some help, it is NOT your fault. Pesky brain chemicals