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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Not been asked to be bridesmaid...

30 replies

Amy290381 · 20/08/2020 19:45

So, my oldest friend is due to get married next year and recently sent out her bridesmaid invitations. She has 3 sisters so I never really expected her to have friends as bridesmaids as well because I just assumed that they would just be her bridesmaids plus possible family members from her partners side of the family.

I got contacted by my other friend who basically told me that she had received a bridesmaid invitation in the post and she wanted to tell me before I saw anything on social media and didn’t want me to be upset. This friend of mine is my best friend and I introduced her to my oldest friend who is getting married years back now and they are obviously still really good friends. Unfortunately Me and my oldest friend have drifted apart in the last couple of years and not for any reason in particular.. I guess you can just drift apart as you get older but despite this, when I found out I hadn’t been asked to be a bridesmaid too I was REALLY hurt. I just wasn’t expecting my best friend to be asked and I just felt that 25+ years of friendship with my oldest friend had been made to feel like it was nothing...

I think what I am finding difficult is not that I’m not a bridesmaid, but my oldest friend has not said a word about it at all. It’s not like I want an apology or anything because she can have who she wants as a bridesmaid but to make things less awkward if I was in her position I would have maybe said “look, no hard feelings” or “are we ok” but she has said nothing. And then last week I was invited to her hen do which was due to cost me £150 and I declined. I don’t feel as though I want to go and I would just feel really awkward. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
HilaryBriss · 20/08/2020 19:53

You said yourself that you have drifted apart in the last couple of years, she is obviously going to want people she is close to now to be her bridesmaid.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 20/08/2020 19:53

Yes YABU. If you are upset about not being a bridesmaid then that's ok bit don't act childishly by then refusing to go to the hen do Confused You said yourself that you haven't seen much of eachother recently but obviously your other friend has.

SentientAndCognisant · 20/08/2020 19:54

Given you say you have drifted why do you expect to be bridesmaid?
Bride is closer to the other girl than you,hence she was chosen
Be a good and gracious guest don’t make a deal out of this

MrsSpookyM · 20/08/2020 19:57

If you've drifted apart in the last few years and are not as close why would you expect to be a bridesmaid? You don't get asked based on how long you've known someone.

How often do you contact her or ask to see her?

Laaalaaaa · 20/08/2020 20:02

You’ve drifted apart - why the hell would you expect to be her bridesmaid? Perhaps your other friend is a better friend to her. Quality over quantity and all that.

Yellow2576 · 20/08/2020 20:04

YABU. I was BM for one of my besties when we were in our late 20s and had been friends since school. A decade later, several children and a torrent of water under the bridge I got married. I didn’t ask her to be my BM, and she couldn’t actually come to our wedding in any case. I don’t think either of us were offended And we are still besties.

Mamette · 20/08/2020 20:06

I would find it hurtful and I don’t blame you for not going to the hen.

Everyone will say yabu though.

Sunnyrainshowers · 20/08/2020 20:08

In your shoes I would feel the same op. It's not that you want to be bridesmaid, it's that your friend didn't consider your feelings about it at all. A quick text from her would have shown she cares about you.

And if she can't be bothered to do that, why fork out for her hen?

EustaciaPieface · 20/08/2020 20:12

I would find it hurtful too. Something similar happened to me.

Bargebill19 · 20/08/2020 20:13

Judging by some bridezilla stories, you may have dodged a bullet.

I can see why you are upset, but try to see the positives and don’t let it sour your friendship. You both may have allowed the friendship to flounder, but things may change and you’ll be close again one day.

Waveysnail · 20/08/2020 20:14

But in the last two years, how many times have you spoken to r gotten togther with the friend getting married? If other friend sees her weekly then not really surprising

Figgygal · 20/08/2020 20:15

So you’ve drifted apart and didn’t expect to be BM but are upset a mutual friend is?
Yes YABU

Waveysnail · 20/08/2020 20:15

Plus you cant afford to attend hen do so how would u afford bridesmaids costs?

modgepodge · 20/08/2020 20:16

I get that you’re disappointed. One of my bridesmaids got married 4 years after me and didn’t ask me. I was a little sad but realistically we weren’t as close by then as we had been when I got married, so I understood. She’s chosen to ask people she’s close to now, rather than people she used to be close to.

katy1213 · 20/08/2020 20:21

You've drifted apart. Being a bridesmaid is not a long-service medal.

ChanklyBore · 20/08/2020 20:22

I don’t want to be harsh here but the whole problem reads rather schoolyard ish to me.

I don’t understand your upset at all I’m afraid.

What exactly worries you? Aren’t bridesmaids supposed to be young girls and young women who’d like to get married/enjoy all the frippery?
Do you fit into that category?

Krampusasbabysitter · 20/08/2020 20:22

Oldest does not equate best friend though. I would not have chosen my oldest friends as bridesmaids, as to me closeness definitely would overrule how long I have known someone. Like many, we all probably still have a few mates in our periphery and as social media friends that we don't really speak to regularly. If we drifted apart, it just seems weird to make such assumptions. That said, I would not fork out so much on someone's hen do unless quite close.

BendingSpoons · 20/08/2020 20:23

I understand you feel hurt because they are friends through you, but I think you have to be honest with yourself that you are no longer close enough friends to be a bridesmaid and your other friend is.

GammyLeg · 20/08/2020 20:26

YABU for the reasons everyone else has said.

Declining the hen do invite was very PA.

OhCaptain · 20/08/2020 20:28

You drifted apart and you’re not going to her hen do.

Why on earth would you be a bridesmaid?! Confused

Tooshytoshine · 20/08/2020 20:32

YANBU as your feelings are valid: you feel hurt. You can rationalise it though.

As for the hen do, if your feelings are hurt and the lack of bridesmaid invite or acknowledgement puts the state of your long but now more distant relationship into sharp relief then why put yourself through it?

However, should you have a softening of feelings towards the bride then there is nothing wrong with perhaps seeing if there is room for one more on the hen do. Otherwise, it is apparent there are hard feelings being dealt with Flowers

pussycatinboots · 20/08/2020 20:37

YABU for wanting to be a bridesmaid.
It's a bloody awful task. Think yourself lucky that you managed to swerve that one!

HeddaGarbled · 20/08/2020 20:38

You’re being childish: labelling yourself and others as ‘oldest friend‘ and ‘best friend’ and refusing to go to her party because she didn’t pick you as her ‘best’ friend is a bit primary school.

Life doesn’t have to be a constant battle to measure your worth against others. Relax. Both these women are your friends and want you to share their important life events. Be happy about this. Don’t spoil your friend’s wedding by making it all about you.

Elbels · 20/08/2020 20:43

You're being ridiculously petty turning down the hen party because you're not a bridesmaid when you've admitted you've grown apart over the past few years.

I've known one of my friends all my life, I haven't asked her to be bridesmaid. I have asked someone I've known properly for 3 years because we're a lot closer.

PreggersMcPreggers · 20/08/2020 21:16

Your being unfair, and childish. The way you reacted just shows how much the friendship meant to you. No way would I not go on a very good friends hun do, just because I wasn't the bridesmaid. I'd enjoy it more, without the pressure

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