Another husband one...

[Werk]

My DH is working at home like many people.
I work at home too but PT.
I deal with the DC and everything in the house Mon-Fri.
I cook dinner for 5.30pm every weekday evening for me and the DC.
DH never tells me if he will be joining us for dinner or not. If I ask he gets shirty and huffs about having to work - it is never a straightforward yes or no. He will occasionally join us. If I don't ask and don't make him anything he invariably will come in at 5.30 and be all sad faced because he has no food.

If it is something easy to reheat I make him some and leave it on a plate. It is not always so easy though and so he will occasionally have to cook whatever it is. I never offer to do this for him.

When he worked at his office I would never know when he was coming home, he never even bothered telling me when he was leaving so I could cook for him/ heat up what I had made (cue more sad face and then a cheese sandwich if dinner required more input than a microwave) and so it isn't a new thing.

Tonight, when I asked if he was joining us he complained that I never eat with him later in the evening.

I really don't want to cook twice. I also don't want to eat late (5.30 is too early for me really but by the time the DC are in bed it is 7.30/8 so if I don't start cooking until then it will be about 8.30 before I eat), plus I never know when he will finish/ pause work. He never tells me.

We do always have dinner together after the DC are in bed on a Saturday and sometimes on a Friday night too (he will usually cook that meal or order a takeaway).
He also complained that he would have to cook tonight's meal himself. By cook he means heat up some bolognese sauce and cook some spaghetti- hardly taxing. He probably won't do it and will eat a sandwich instead.
I do understand that his work does overrun sometimes and he is beholden to meetings but he is in the next room - it should be easier than when he was at the office! I suspect the eating later thing is actually him telling me that he wants me to cook for him.

DC are 3&5.

So AIBU? Should we eat together later and should I cook twice? What do you do?

Bloody hell. Everyone else manages to eat dinner at a regular adult time. Why is it so hard for you? And you don’t have to cook twice. Eat leftovers every once in a while.

What kind of meals can't he just heat up in the microwave? Pretty much anything can go in the microwave, can't it? Make him something for 5:30 and if he isn't there on time he can heat it back up.

The first response is definitely overly harsh. Carrying eating when you want, he knows what time you serve dinner and can likely smell it too. Leave him some leftovers if suitable or a can of beans/sandwich ingredients if not. It's his choice not to join the family meal, don't feel you need to change your meal times to suit him when he's so close by. Plus, eating with your children is good for them, they'll engage in more adult conversation as they get older and learn good table manners and eating habits. While I'm sure you'd like to eat with your husband he is able to do so by eating at 5:30, even just a couple more evenings a week.
Fwiw, at home I eat anywhere between 6-7 and find that a suitable ADULT time so don't see 5:30 and some childish time to eat.

XH was like this , for him it was a way of being awkward and controlling

I’d just make him something for 5.30 then if he’s not there he can just reheat - not sure what meals can’t be reheated in microwave?

@NotJustACigar - we eat quite a lot of fish, I never think fish reheats well.
@GhostCurry please do enlighten me on the perfect adult time to eat. We do eat leftovers but usually with some freshly cooked vegetables etc - I am not saying I slave over a stove every night but I don't see why I should have to cook for the DC and then again later when I am happy to adjust my timings to eat with the DC.
Are my DC eating too early? They are usually starving by then.

What a bizarre first response. Personally I'd find the pouting and sulking over it absolutely more tedious than the thing itself. I get that work sometimes runs over- but that's the exception not the rule, and it's ridiculously easy in this scenario for him to pet you know. He wants you to eat with him? Pop his head out in the afternoon and say "I'll be later tonight, can we eat after the kids go to bed at 8?" Rather than leave you guessing he could literally make all his problems go away by just communicating with you?

Just tell him food will be ready at 5:30. Eat your dinner and if he doesn’t join in then leave his food for him to reheating when he is ready.

Sorry I was harsh, it just seems like such a weird problem to have. I don’t get why a meal can’t be reheated. Your example (where you made the bolognese but not the pasta) is so needlessly weird. Same with the vegetables. Just make them at 5.30. Your husband would clearly prefer to heat them up than have to start from scratch with them. I would too.

I'm more bothered by the fact that he does nothing with dc Mon-fri even though you work too.

Do your shifts fall between Mon and Fri?

As for there perfect adult time to eat, I would say 7pm. 5.30 is a good time for children to eat, I agree. But not adults.

Basically I agree with adorabell and keepmeaway.

And yes, it is annoying that he won’t commit to a work finish time, but it just sounds like you can save yourself from uncertainty by simply making the one meal and giving him the option of reheating it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fish is perfectly fine reheated. And if he doesn't like it reheated, he knows what time it will be served so he can come and eat it then. I would just be very clear that you are cooking once, serving it at 5.30pm and it's up to him whether he wants to come and join the rest of the family or eat alone later like a sad git.

Cook at 5.30. Stick his on his desk. If he doesn't eat it straight away, he can microwave it.

We all eat together at about 8pm - DD is 10.

Anybody who complained about having to reheat a meal I made for them wouldn’t get the opportunity again. Ever. And if they complained about that they would find themselves doing everything for themselves whilst I sorted my self out.

Stop being a doormat OP.

Fish reheated might not be absolutely perfect but it's definitely edible and fine.

I think he's making a song and dance out of it because he wants you to cook for him. Perhaps suggest if he wants to eat together, he pick a couple of nights where he makes dinner so it's ready to eat at 7:30pm/8pm?

Personally, I would stop asking him if he's joining you for dinner at 5:30pm. Tell him that, based on his unusual schedule, you're going to assume he's not joining you and the DC for dinner, unless he tells you otherwise by 9am that day. Perfectly fair and reasonable.

No, I don't think 5:30pm is too early for children that age to eat (or adults for that matter!) - it's the same time my child and I eat dinner.

People eat dinner at 05.30? That’s afternoon snack time, no?

I'm more bothered by the fact that he does nothing with dc Mon-fri even though you work too.
^THIS. Why isn’t he doing 50% on the days you work? Whether or not he fancies fish at 5.30pm is the least of your worries tbh.

@AdoraBell

Just tell him food will be ready at 5:30. Eat your dinner and if he doesn’t join in then leave his food for him to reheating when he is ready.

This is exactly what I do every day, kids are the same age. Dinner is on the table at half five. Sometimes he is in, sometimes it's on a plate and he reheats. It's not as nice reheated but he is an adult, if he wants to throw it away and cook himself something nice and fresh he can.

If he comes home and explains he's had a really crappy day I would probably make him something to be nice.

Some times work runs over. But for most people, by say 4.30 they know if they are likely to finish on time or not. And if he was not sure he could hedge his bets and say he wasnt sure so best to eat later. Or eat at his desk while he works like a lot of other people.

He is being awkward and it sounds like at the root of it he thinks it's your job to feed him when he demands it, to be honest

Why can’t spag bol go in the microwave? Saves on washing up if you just cook his at the same time too surely?

I always cook for DH too and he heats it up when he gets in. We also have a lot of fish and it's not a problem. At least DH has never complained about it, he's just grateful it's there.

He is being awkward and it sounds like at the root of it he thinks it's your job to feed him when he demands it, to be honest

Agree this is about the size of it.

The time you eat is not the issue. Your husband is the issue and his pathetic sulking and controlling.

For years I cooked twice. Dh wasn't home until 6.45 and obviously the kids couldn't wait until then for dinner when they went to bed at 7pm.

Now dh works nearer to home and the kids are teenagers I usually cook once and we all eat together.

Talk to your husband and tell him you both work full time. If he wants dinner then he needs to communicate and stop with the stupid sad face as it is distinctly not sexy - Paddington Bear Stare - and accept he if doesn't speak respectfully he will be forever making sandwiches for his dinner.

And no, you are not feeding your kids too early. It is no one else's business. Mine ate tea at 4.30 when at primary school.