Another husband one...

[Werk]

My DH is working at home like many people.
I work at home too but PT.
I deal with the DC and everything in the house Mon-Fri.
I cook dinner for 5.30pm every weekday evening for me and the DC.
DH never tells me if he will be joining us for dinner or not. If I ask he gets shirty and huffs about having to work - it is never a straightforward yes or no. He will occasionally join us. If I don't ask and don't make him anything he invariably will come in at 5.30 and be all sad faced because he has no food.

If it is something easy to reheat I make him some and leave it on a plate. It is not always so easy though and so he will occasionally have to cook whatever it is. I never offer to do this for him.

When he worked at his office I would never know when he was coming home, he never even bothered telling me when he was leaving so I could cook for him/ heat up what I had made (cue more sad face and then a cheese sandwich if dinner required more input than a microwave) and so it isn't a new thing.

Tonight, when I asked if he was joining us he complained that I never eat with him later in the evening.

I really don't want to cook twice. I also don't want to eat late (5.30 is too early for me really but by the time the DC are in bed it is 7.30/8 so if I don't start cooking until then it will be about 8.30 before I eat), plus I never know when he will finish/ pause work. He never tells me.

We do always have dinner together after the DC are in bed on a Saturday and sometimes on a Friday night too (he will usually cook that meal or order a takeaway).
He also complained that he would have to cook tonight's meal himself. By cook he means heat up some bolognese sauce and cook some spaghetti- hardly taxing. He probably won't do it and will eat a sandwich instead.
I do understand that his work does overrun sometimes and he is beholden to meetings but he is in the next room - it should be easier than when he was at the office! I suspect the eating later thing is actually him telling me that he wants me to cook for him.

DC are 3&5.

So AIBU? Should we eat together later and should I cook twice? What do you do?

@SunshineCake

And no, you are not feeding your kids too early. It is no one else's business. Mine ate tea at 4.30 when at primary school.

Mine is only just finishing lunch then!

Compromise on 6.30. If later he cooks fine. If not tell him to go fuck himself.

Buy a load of Ding Dinners for one.

He can sort himself out that way.

I wouldn't have the patience for that. Tell him that, since he can never make up his mind, you're going to assume he's not joining you for dinner unless he specifically tells you that he will.

Then just cook for you and the kids each day. He can sort himself out.

But yes, if you're working PT and doing all the childcare, he should definitely be splitting the housework with you during the week.

I live alone. I am an adult. I eat at 5.30 if I am not at work.

I manage to exist without my legs falling off or having to dash to the kitchen to eat another meal before bedtime!

Your husband, OP, is using any opportunity he can to control you. That is why he won't tell you whether he wants to eat with you or not - to keep you guessing.

"Mine is only just finishing lunch then!"

And ? Everyone is different.

We eat at 5.30 both adults and kids. Like OP, if we didn’t we would have to eat hat 7.30-8pm and that’s too late for me. I like eating with the kids as well

It's just a waste of time discussing this issue, sensible people should be able to work something out regarding eating and food times.

My husband used to be like this. I would cook for all of us and just leave a plate for him, whatever it was. He would heat it up when he got in. I’m sure at times it wasn’t very pleasant, but I couldn’t do anything about that.

It's really good for the DCs when parents eat with them.
Table manners, chat, all that.
At least you are doing it.
Leave his to be reheated in microwave.

His lack of time management has just transferred location, the issue seems to have been there for a long time. He needs to have boundaries between work and home, primarily for you, but probably also for some of his work colleagues.

When I worked me and DH would eat 8-8.30 with D.C. either eating eat childcare or eating earlier but as I’m now on maternity leave I do the same as you and cook one meal at 5.30 and eat with my DD and DH heats his up later. He doesn’t get in until 6.30-7 and during the week he isn’t that keen on cooking the meal so he just accepts thats the way things are. At the weekends he cooks while I put the DC to bed. After a long day with my DC the last thing I want to do with the precious 2 hours I get in the evening before bed is cool another meal. The way I see it is that if DH was that bothered about us eating together he could cook.

I eat with ds early between 5 & 6. If it’s a suitable meal for reheating and there’s enough I’ll plate him some up. If not I may do a jacket potato or a pie for him, otherwise he cooks his own and thankfully doesn’t mind. Mine won’t eat microwave meals but if yours will I’d just get some that cook from frozen.

He's not pulling his weight and on top of that he wants you to be a mind reader and cook for if/when he'll eat and it be ready the exact minute he wants it - it reads like he's deliberately creating an impossible situation where you'll always be 'failing'. Does he treat you like a kitchen/childminding appliance on legs in other scenarios?

There are very few people home for dinner at 5.30pm. 5&3 yo eat very little - just feed them something simple.
Our rule was that If DH was home fir 7pm, he would then sort out the children and I would cook and then we’d eat together at 8.

My kids are under 5. I dislike cooking. So I make their meals at 1630 (baby) and around 1800 (4 yr old) and DH cooks our dinner for between 1900 to 2000. If he didn't want to do that, I'd be eating beans on toast and he could sort himself out.