It's a housework one!

[Mrbay]

I am pretty sure that I'm not expecting the world from DH but would you be pretty peed off if he had a month off work (previously stood down from March to June, so effectively only worked a few months this year) has not lifted a finger around the house?

I've gone to the office today and asked him to hoover the house, I've returned back and asked why it's not done - his answer well I didn't think you'd be back so early!

I've been WFH the duration of covid and I do 90% of the cooking & house work - so I feel I am justified in being cheesed off that he has yet again done nothing but play on the Xbox!

How do I get DH to help around the house without sounding like a nag - we are an equal partnership but I just feel that he doesn't want to contribute to this side of married life.
Yes I can be funny about his cleaning efforts, but that's because he doesn't clean thoroughly!

Additional context and congrats if you have gotten this far! He is obsessed with his Xbox (I feel embarrassed for him at age 33) to the point he spent most of his stood down time playing it, to be fair his colleagues were on it with him 80% of the time, plus it kept him out of my hair to be able to WFH. He doesn't feel he has an issue but I would argue that being able to play for 40-60hrs per week on a Xbox is an issue as it leaves little time for the activities a 33 year old man should do, such as spending time with his wife, housework and actually seeing the real world.

Positives - he does help with the horses pretty much daily and does the muscle jobs such as poo picking and moving bales etc - can't fault him for this and he will go and look after them himself if I am unwell or unable.

He pays 80% of the bills so I feel that I should do additional housework to compensate for this, but currently I feel like his mum/housekeeper rather than equal, also I don't trust him to clean correctly - he has probably done this on purpose so not to be asked again!

I've sat down and spoke to him calmly and try to allocate jobs to him that I feel he can do, such as taking the bins out for collection but after 12-years of living in the same house he cannot get his head around what goes in what bin and when they go out!

Oh he is military so I do feel that has something to do with it too - they do exactly what they are told to the letter, well in my case, he doesn't until we have words.

Phew - I feel better than is off my chest and I hope that I am the only one with an overgrown man child!!

Please don't say LTB as he is actually a great guy, just bloody lazy!

Any tips to increase his motivation will be gratefully received, equally happy for you to rant about your lazy other halfs so I don't feel so alone.

I've checked in with him regarding mental health and he tells me he is fine and is able to function normally, just not with the hoover or cleaning cloths!

Hopefully that is everything as I don't want to drip feed.

If you want to stay together (personally I'd think very carefully before having kids because it'll only get worse) get him to pay to outsource the cleaning, get Hello Fresh type deliveries & put up with it.

I had this with my ex. I stopped doing his laundry and he got up for an early shift and didn't have a clean shirt. That got his attention. I also only bought food I liked and cooked only for myself. Moved into the spare room, that got his attention too. Only worked for a while, that's why he's an ex. Good luck

So you've been working and doing almost all the cooking and housework, but he's been off and done nothing? How much more time will he not be working for?

Do you plan to have kids? I would want division of housework to be altered before then if so.

I've sat down and spoke to him calmly and try to allocate jobs to him that I feel he can do, such as taking the bins out for collection but after 12-years of living in the same house he cannot get his head around what goes in what bin and when they go out!

Sorry but this is such a load of crap, any grown up van remember what goes in which bin. He just doesn't care or does it wrong deliberately so you don't ask again.

My 8 year old knows what bin to put her rubbish in

How do I get DH to help around the house

Reframe it. He isn’t helping you, he’s taking responsibility for his own house. He’s a big boy and you shouldn’t decide what he can or can’t archive. He should be able to do all of it.

DH does the kitchen after tea, cooks Sunday roast, outs the bins out, goes to the tip, does half(ish) or the washing and cleans both bathrooms plus the lawns and some gardening.

He earns X4 what I do.

Shouldn’t make a difference in terms of labour.

Find things that will affect him if not done like washing, shopping, cooking etc. If he does something badly then just say it is fine, he obviously just needs more practice dusting/ putting out bins/ hanging out washing. Resist the temptation to take over.

OP my husband is in the military and when I was working full time he would do more of the housework than me. He didn’t instructions to do it, he saw what needed doing and just got on with it. I may have been lucky but I really don’t think that being in the military means he can’t take responsibility for housework without instruction. They do a lot of cleaning and kit management on basic training so there really is no excuse.

Out of interest do you wash and iron his kit? As I would stop doing this for him as that is facilitating his laziness. It will give him a kick up the bum when he risks a bollocking for none regulation kit.

With regards to the Xbox are his colleagues younger than him? As that may be contributing to the issue. Does he live with you when he is not stood down because if he doesn’t that may be part of the reason- that he sees being at home as his down time. Not an acceptable reason at all but may be contributing to his lack of input.

Motivating him will be harder and I don’t have any real advice for that but you need to lay out on paper how much you do. That means talking to him and making him aware. Perhaps write down for a week everything you are doing and show it to him.

Good luck.

Honestly I could do a lot worse, I suppose I enjoy the house keeping side of things more than him but it would help if I could trust him to take care of his bits.

From his point of view, housework is not life or death so does it really matter when the hoovering is done, which I guess it doesn't, but it irritates me when I can see that lovely fine layer of dog and cat hair!

I forgot to say he does do the washing up/dish washer, again in his own time so I'll do it 60% of the time so I can crack on and clean the sides.

He does the food shopping but is hopeless at cooking, he has a few meals that he can cook but they aren't the healthiest so I have taken on the role of cook to ensure that we aren't obese at the end of lock down.

When the chips are down, he does everything and will look after the house. me and the animals so I don't doubt that he can do it. It's just without the structure of work he is a pain in the arse!!

Regarding other house work, he doesn't need a clean uniform so he isn't arsed about the washing at the moment but will put the washing on and on the line if I ask him to do it, I'd just love his holidaying self to be more proactive.

Also, please calm down, he is not a total tit towards me, he isn't abusive (mentally or physically), he can be selfish with the biscuits and chocolate and he is a total gamer (which I am not).

I don't want to withhold things or activities as he is not a kid (despite him currently acting like a teenager), nor will that motivate him to pull his weight.

Yes we are actively trying to have a child and no I don't think he'll be a lazy parent, as looking after a kid is life or death and they depend on you 100%, where as I've said above doing the housework is not!
Perhaps the multiple IVF failures have hit him harder than I realise?

Hopefully that answers your questions/comments - I am just looking for a rant and some help!

Thanks!

@Timekeepspassing

OP my husband is in the military and when I was working full time he would do more of the housework than me. He didn’t instructions to do it, he saw what needed doing and just got on with it. I may have been lucky but I really don’t think that being in the military means he can’t take responsibility for housework without instruction. They do a lot of cleaning and kit management on basic training so there really is no excuse.

Out of interest do you wash and iron his kit? As I would stop doing this for him as that is facilitating his laziness. It will give him a kick up the bum when he risks a bollocking for none regulation kit.

With regards to the Xbox are his colleagues younger than him? As that may be contributing to the issue. Does he live with you when he is not stood down because if he doesn’t that may be part of the reason- that he sees being at home as his down time. Not an acceptable reason at all but may be contributing to his lack of input.

Motivating him will be harder and I don’t have any real advice for that but you need to lay out on paper how much you do. That means talking to him and making him aware. Perhaps write down for a week everything you are doing and show it to him.

Good luck.

Hi @Timekeepspassing - that's what I thought would happen when I married him (didn't live together until marriage) as I was the disorganised one who's mum did everything for me.

He on the other hand, left home at 16-years and joined the army. When he was in barracks his room was spotless, during his years at home his room and house was spotless and this adds to the problem for 20-years plus he has not been able to leave a room as he sees fit, he has had to deal with his mum who kept the house as show home (mess was never alloud) and army who did random room inspections. so living in his own home is the first time he has been allowed to follow his own rules.

I don't iron his kit, but I will wash it if it in the washing basket and I am doing a load - normally he puts the washing on Friday PM when he returns.

I would love to say that they are, but no, they are all the same age and rank.

No we live permanently off camp - but he does truly see leave as his time.

Time to get the diary out and write everything down - I cannot belittle him as he'll dig his heels in harder.

Thanks for the advice :)

You need to start cooking delicious little dinners - for one.

You are not equal partners because the housework isn't shared equally.
I bet you do all birthday/Christmas cards & presents for the entire family, that he gets great presents from you and you get meh ones from him.

Just because he earns more it doesnt mean that you do more domestic chores.

I cant believe that you've been ok with him sitting at home doing fuck all while you work and run the house. What kind of "partner" does that? A selfish one.

He needs to understand what running a house entails and do 50%

Tell him how sexy a capable man is, and how deeply unsexy feeling like someone's mum or housekeeper is.

I'm not being flippant. There's nothing that kills passion quicker than seeing someone as childish, or feeling parental towards them.

All your posts are just full of excuses as to why he can’t do things.

He can, he just doesn’t want to. That’s it.

Every single thread I read on here like this, the OP describes her lazy arsed, man-child DH/DP as 'lovely' or 'a great father' or in this case 'a great guy'. They are none of those things. He can't have any respect for you or he wouldn't treat you as the domestic drudge. I couldn't contemplate living with a man who wasn't prepared to do his share but you've accepted it and gone on to marry him and now expect him to change.

It's a pity you didn't marry an adult - good luck.

Hide the xbox.

He is a grown man, you shouldn't have to motivate him to do things. Wanting to be your partner rather than your dependant should be motivation enough.

A 33 year old man playing on the Xbox for 8 hours a day certainly is an issue. Why would you want to have kids with this lazy manchild?

Cooking is one of my passions so I don't begrudge cooking for him - when we got back from the yard he offered to cook tea and I said I'd do it as it is an easy one - perhaps I'll give him a cooking lesson tonight!

We don't do presents or cards, for ourselves or the family (all adults and it turns into a lets all swap bottles of drink, so pretty pointless) but it's him that reminds me of family birthdays, him or Facebook. Last anniversary he had my wedding flowers redone as a hand held - so he does do great gifts, I am just practical and would rather something I want or need, so he'll ask me what I want.

We don't have kids or a big house so there isn't a lot to do housework wise, I just lost my cool today about it as I didn't think it was much of an ask for him to hoover. He did do it after words were had and it took him 10/15 mins.

Yes the Xbox is an issue and no I won't hide it, I am not his mother and nor will I act like one.

We've had a chat about it and he sees it from my point of view and I see his, it is just frustrating me that I would like everything done in the morning and he'd rather leave it to be the last thing he does.

No one has a perfect relationship, but I was seeking help to resolve this issue but clearly the only option is to leave him and hope I find that non existence perfect human.

If he's military, he knows how to clean and how to keep a house tidy. He can get his head around bins.

The issue is that he doesn't think it's his responsibility to do those things. It sounds like he things he's 'helping you out' rather than being an adult member of the household. That's the conversation I think you need to start having.

I've had similar recently. Partner works full time and I have a small company I run part time. Its been like that a couple years, me working less than a third of the hours he works. Previously I was a SAHM so for most of our time living together, I've taken care of the majority of the housework, life fixing and most practical things for our kids. The little time he spent at home I preferred he spent with his boys and time for just me and him. Till the start of the year when I dramatically increased my hours and now it's around two thirds of his hours. Come October I'll be working more than him as I also have everything that needs to be done from home - general admin, payroll ect - plus an ou course. It's been a bloody nightmare trying to get him to do things around the house he hasnt been used to doing. Last week I snapped and wrote a chores list, every single job that needs doing around the house, and allocating it to either me or him, and little jobs for the kids. For each day. He balked at that a little till I said it's that or he pays one of my staff - I own a cleaning company - to do it for us and I can earn off the housework instead.

Yes we are actively trying to have a child and no I don't think he'll be a lazy parent

Lol ok. Would that be like how he magically changed into the different person you were expecting him to become when you married him?

Nobody here is saying you should expect perfection, but setting the bar at "could be worse" is setting it too low. You making excuses for him is not constructive.

History should tell you he won't change just because a baby comes along, just like he didn't magically change when you got married.

The issue is that he doesn't think it's his responsibility to do those things. It sounds like he things he's 'helping you out' rather than being an adult member of the household. That's the conversation I think you need to start having.

This. Expect more of him. You're not aiming for perfection, you're aiming for someone who behaves like a responsible adult and respects you.

As long as you keep making excuses that won't happen.

I am not his mother and nor will I act like one.

Sorry but that's exactly what you sound like. You need to get out of the doing everything but then snapping and nagging at him pattern as that is very much the mother thing. You need to be able to divide up responsibilities like adults, and if someone doesn't do their share, it's on them and they take the natural consequences of that.

I’d tamper with the console so it didn’t work

If he's military,they are taught planning & routine is all. Play to that. Have a discussion re who does what then write a 1 pager schedule & wack it on the fridge.

but it would help if I could trust him to take care of his bits

See right there, and it’s your issue not his.

You need to let him fail. This is also true of children, they need to fail and learn by mistakes.

If the bin isn’t emptied, he’ll have to do tip runs, which is more effort.