It's a housework one!

[Mrbay]

I am pretty sure that I'm not expecting the world from DH but would you be pretty peed off if he had a month off work (previously stood down from March to June, so effectively only worked a few months this year) has not lifted a finger around the house?

I've gone to the office today and asked him to hoover the house, I've returned back and asked why it's not done - his answer well I didn't think you'd be back so early!

I've been WFH the duration of covid and I do 90% of the cooking & house work - so I feel I am justified in being cheesed off that he has yet again done nothing but play on the Xbox!

How do I get DH to help around the house without sounding like a nag - we are an equal partnership but I just feel that he doesn't want to contribute to this side of married life.
Yes I can be funny about his cleaning efforts, but that's because he doesn't clean thoroughly!

Additional context and congrats if you have gotten this far! He is obsessed with his Xbox (I feel embarrassed for him at age 33) to the point he spent most of his stood down time playing it, to be fair his colleagues were on it with him 80% of the time, plus it kept him out of my hair to be able to WFH. He doesn't feel he has an issue but I would argue that being able to play for 40-60hrs per week on a Xbox is an issue as it leaves little time for the activities a 33 year old man should do, such as spending time with his wife, housework and actually seeing the real world.

Positives - he does help with the horses pretty much daily and does the muscle jobs such as poo picking and moving bales etc - can't fault him for this and he will go and look after them himself if I am unwell or unable.

He pays 80% of the bills so I feel that I should do additional housework to compensate for this, but currently I feel like his mum/housekeeper rather than equal, also I don't trust him to clean correctly - he has probably done this on purpose so not to be asked again!

I've sat down and spoke to him calmly and try to allocate jobs to him that I feel he can do, such as taking the bins out for collection but after 12-years of living in the same house he cannot get his head around what goes in what bin and when they go out!

Oh he is military so I do feel that has something to do with it too - they do exactly what they are told to the letter, well in my case, he doesn't until we have words.

Phew - I feel better than is off my chest and I hope that I am the only one with an overgrown man child!!

Please don't say LTB as he is actually a great guy, just bloody lazy!

Any tips to increase his motivation will be gratefully received, equally happy for you to rant about your lazy other halfs so I don't feel so alone.

I've checked in with him regarding mental health and he tells me he is fine and is able to function normally, just not with the hoover or cleaning cloths!

Hopefully that is everything as I don't want to drip feed.

I don’t get the attitude of ‘ getting him to help around the house ‘. If both of you are working outside the home, surely the housework is down to both of you equally ?

@Mrbay

Jumping on as a lot of negativity on the thread for one thing an missing the bigger things..

My DH does everything in his own time. I think as women we like things done there an then.. men (not just mine and yours) will do it when they want to not when they've been asked.. think maybe its a nagging thing and being a like there mums lol..
as for children just because they don't do the housework doesnt mean they won't be hands on.. my brother won't lift a finger but he's the one sorting kids..

My partner today said oh there's my jumper I put it in the washing 4 days ago to be washed.. my answer was and?? I asked you to do the washing up and it sat there for 3 hours before getting done. I get replies a you know I'll do it just takes me a while..

I'm quite ocd an when I want something done I want it done now.. so I end up doing it.. same as plates we have a dishwasher he thinks that's the top of the side.. showers he can't be bothered to wait for the bubbles to go so he won't rinse it.. but yet he thinks he's the tidiest person ever..
Washing goes outside the basket not inside

I think sometimes we paint a perfect picture of husbands an wife's an everyone chips in etc.. when actually we don't know what goes on...

I also get like this evening I've said I've been out in the kitchen cleaning, there's washing over the settee an your say there on your phone an didn't even fold it.. he went you have a go at me when I do it cause it's not done properly..

Like you said aswll he helps with the horse he's helps with the shopping and washing up.. he pays the bills

Mine goes to work an walks the dog an cleans my car that's it.. I do all the rest.. oh sorry he hoovers the living room at night..
He pays 1/2 the bills

As for Xbox mine is aloud on at 10:30 cause that's when I go to bed.. if he has the day off yeh he goes on it an prob doesn't do anything ..

As for ivf.. it could be playing on him an that's how he stops.. as you know we're the same an gone through a lot this 2 months with expecting then told it's not going to carry on.. an yes i show my emotions but he doesn't.. men say there ok an there not.. men try to act all tough but deep down there hurting..

He's not abusive an not controlling.. I think just speak to him an say to him it pissed you off today say maybe next time can you not do it first before you get distracted..

A lady I remember I was moaning at a couple of months ago an she put my husband i think is trying to see how much f-ing towels he can get on floor an the banisters.. which made me laugh..

I know it's frustrating but I think if he wasn't doing anything absolutely anything I would be saying what these others have said..

Your doing so well an been through so much aswell..

He jsut needs a little reminding.. as you was off for so long aswell he's probably not used to it all :) ❤️

My DH does everything in his own time. I think as women we like things done there an then

Mine used to think like this as well. Then when he asked ‘what’s for tea?’ I’d say ‘oh I was thinking of doing that next week’
Or he’d ask where his clean shirt was and I’d say ‘oh I didn’t realise you wanted it now, it’s on the list for a week Wednesday’

He soon understood ‘now’

Did he do the hoovering in the end though? If he did, I'd file it under things which are mildly irritating but not the end of the world. If he's worked in a miltary environment where he's made to do things on a tight schedule the he might be running on empty a bit even if he's not depressed as such.

Did you really say 40-60 hours per week on the XBox??

Please stop doing anything at all for him and DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN until he grows up.

I have no issue with gaming, but would you be happy with that amount of football? Or golf? Or cycling?

No. It's a ridiculous amount of time to spend on a hobby when you're in a relationship.

Yes we are actively trying to have a child and no I don't think he'll be a lazy parent, as looking after a kid is life or death and they depend on you 100%, where as I've said above doing the housework is not!

@Mrbay - I reckon you best take your rose tinted specs off, or at least give them a polish ...

He sounds like a 10 year old, not a 33 year old. My 12 year old doesn't play on his Xbox half as much as that, he also knows which bin is for what rubbish, he picks up after himself and can cook his own dinner.
Stop doing it all for him, he's military so I'm sure he'll soon learn to defend for himself

Why have a child? You have one already.

I am not his mother and nor will I act like one.
Good one OP.

Out solution to that one was DH paid for a cleaner.

You need to have a proper word about the Xbox though. Does your DH play very time-committed games like World of Warcraft? I had to ask my DH to stop playing that.

*our

He on the other hand, left home at 16-years and joined the army. When he was in barracks his room was spotless, during his years at home his room and house was spotless and this adds to the problem for 20-years plus he has not been able to leave a room as he sees fit, he has had to deal with his mum who kept the house as show home (mess was never alloud) and army who did random room inspections. so living in his own home is the first time he has been allowed to follow his own rules.

Wow some posters are really giving this guy a bashing. Unless I'm missing something, in his 33 years on this Earth he's recently taken 3 months or so of leave where he's not done much housework. I'm sure when I was a student I probably only vacuumed my room a couple of times a term. Obviously he needs to start doing more, but people do also need periods of rest in order to function properly in the long term.

We've had a chat about it and he sees it from my point of view and I see his, it is just frustrating me that I would like everything done in the morning and he'd rather leave it to be the last thing he does. I'm definitely like you in this respect OP. I like to have ticked off most of the household chores by lunchtime. My perfect relaxation time comes from knowing everything is done and my environment is tidy. My DP is the total opposite and will do a job or two then rest for an hour or two. I'll admit sometimes it drives me round the bend and I have to bite my tongue from time to time. I remind myself that him choosing to take more time over jobs like hoovering or cutting the grass isn't the 'wrong way' just different to my preference and that the house is half my partner's so I don't really have any right to dictate 'the rules'. Obviously there are time sensitive jobs like making sure kids/pets are fed, but noone's going to die from a bit of dust sitting on the carpet for a few extra hours. I now spend the time I would have spent stressing over DP not doing a certain job on my timetable having a little relax of my own. It's so much better for my mental health and our relationship.