"I looked fine, but was suffering from MH"

[MidnightCitrus]

there's another story on the news, where a social media influencer is talking about how she made it look like everything was wonderful, but in reality she was suffering from post partum depression.

We see this so much, "I hid it so well" I get that sometimes you don't even realise you are depressed or suffering, but it would be so helpful to see what it looks like.

When I had PND, people said they didn’t realise and that I seemed happy. My husband and my mum were the only people who actually saw the reality of it - I had episodes several times a week where I thought my baby wanted me to die and I would melt down, have panic attacks or make plans for how she could live with my husband and I could move out (researching flats I could move to etc).

@MidnightCitrus

there's another story on the news, where a social media influencer is talking about how she made it look like everything was wonderful, but in reality she was suffering from post partum depression.

We see this so much, "I hid it so well" I get that sometimes you don't even realise you are depressed or suffering, but it would be so helpful to see what it looks like.

We see this so much, "I hid it so well" I get that sometimes you don't even realise you are depressed or suffering, but it would be so helpful to see what it looks like.

Helpful in what sense - helpful if social media 'influencers' showed more of what depression looks like?

i don't think you'll have to wait too long it seems like all social media personalities are 'revealing' their mental health issues now, as a way of increasing traffic by talking about a buzz topic helping people

It kinda makes sense that "social media influencers" are more st risk and more like to have mental health issues. You're really putting yourself out to the criticism of the world and it all depends on how popular you are, it's like extreme high school. Plus, for some, depression causes the drive to social media "fame" because you want to be seen and loved.

I'm not sure what you're actually asking though. Are you asking us what depression looks like? Or saying people shouldn't hide their depression?

It happens because of bitter experience. You reveal personal issues expecting support but just receive negative consequences. So next time you keep quiet. As a teen I revealed my depression on two occasions: on the first occasion I was threatened with institutionalisation and the second time I was ignored. So it’s unsurprising that when I had PND I kept it to myself. I remain convinced that I wouldn’t have received support if I’d spoken about it, only negative consequences.

You're even less likely to see it from influencers since their entire income is tied up with their image. Companies want happy, perfect mums marketing their products, not ones who talk about how much they hate their new life. There are a few who break rank because it makes them more raw and authentic (which in turn boosts their brand) but those are usually one artfully curated post under a crying photo, amidst hundreds of perfect shots.

I often see friends/influencers posting the typical blissful post-baby shots online and wonder if any of them felt as awful as I did. However it seems taboo imply they might because it feels like you're wishing ill on a new mum who appears so happy, if that makes sense? I had one school friend (also a new mum) who I wasn't even that close to but who sent me lovely messages during the weeks after birth saying it was ok to feel bad as well and I needed to take care of myself. I'm forever grateful for that and admire how brave it was. I guess if I didn't have PND I might have been offended by the messages (?)

PND is still very stigmatised. I wouldn’t blame any woman for choosing not to advertise what she’s going through at a vulnerable time when people can be so judgmental and cruel.

I've just watched that on BBC1.

My friends - the real ones, with whom I've discussed my MH problems with - know that on days when I turn up to work looking fabulous they should mainline tea and chocolate at me all day. My mum didn't realise I'd been struggling with pnd for 6 months as I was trying so hard to fake parenthood.

All that before social media was such a big thing...

I mean, that if they were more honest they would help more people, for things like seeing the early signs etc

I’m good fairly sure that the happier someone appears on social media, the unhappier they are in real life.

People who are happy and contented in real life don’t need to receive validation through a computer.

I’m not sure - it’s how some people manage isn’t it?

However - I think we need to make sure that our children understand that what goes on inside someone’s head and how they look/act can be very different. It’s when you get older and start realising that those pop stars, actors, models, etc who always looked like they were having a ball and had lifestyles to die for - their back stories can be tragic.

I'm in two minds about this. On the one hand, showing the reality of mental illness is helpful (sometimes) in destigmatization, but on the other, I can understand someone's need to keep the reality of a potentially distressing time private, especially if they're in a state where their judgement might be skewed, or their behaviour questionable. Sometimes it's better to talk from the scar, not the wound.

And let's face it, when people in the public eye do appear to be showing signs of mental illness, they don't often get positive or encouraging coverage. For every person praised for their 'authentic vulnerability', there are several more being told to 'get help' or having armchair psychologists ponder why their family and friends aren't doing something.

I get what you mean - seeing only the picture-perfect airbrushed edits of people’s lives on social media can really fuel negative feelings as you sit scrolling at 3am with baby sick in your hair wondering why you can’t get your shit together like that. And when you find out they also had 3-day old egg on their leggings you feel misled and wonder why they hid the reality.

But if that’s what your brand, your livelihood is it must be really hard to start being raw and honest, particularly when you’re in the grips of a MH crisis and feeling like everything is falling apart. And isn’t that perfect lifestyle what we’re seeking when we follow these people?

Having said that, there are plenty of people offering more balanced views of parenting and mental health on social media and I prefer to follow them.

I was really ill with PND, not even my husband understood the reality of how ill I was, I hid it even from him.

It's only once I recovered that I could talk about it and he could see it.

I've got friends who have just had babies asking me how I kept it together, how I coped and didn't go mad - my answer to them is I did! I was literally going mental. I was so, so unwell.

The reality is that mental health doesn't "look" like anything. Not to the external viewer.

There are very few people in the world that know how bad my PND was, and even then, I’m not sure they know REALLY how bad it was. And that includes the CPN I had to support me. So actually, I think it asks a lot of people who are already vulnerable to share at the time they are vulnerable. I am much more confident to speak of it now I am recovered - but I didn’t want people to know that every day I had to battle from fighting the thoughts that told me I should just crash my car and die. Why would I? It’s good that people are able to open up if they can, but I was incredibly unwell and even those who knew I had PND would never have guessed. We don’t ask people experiencing cancer to share their stories at the time they are most vulnerable we understand their focus is somewhere else. Let’s do the same for mental health.

@Trashtara
I was really ill with PND, not even my husband understood the reality of how ill I was, I hid it even from him.

I'm sorry you had it so bad.

When i had depression (nothing major) i didnt even realise that's what it was, I didnt know the signs, and thats what i mean. I dont mean this as an attack on anyone, i think it would be more helpful, to know at the time, rather than "i conquered it" or "i put a face on" - personally I dont think thats helpful in the long term.

(sorry, i struggle with getting my meaning across sometimes and can be clumsy)

I don't think it's fair to say they need to be more honest to help educate people. A lot of people don't realise it's bad until it's too bad to face, then you mask. It's only when you look back that you go, "oh wow, that was bad".

@MidnightCitrus please an you post a link or say what news story you're referring to? It's passed me by and am interested to know more specifics.

Do you mean helpful to them or to others?

You cant possibly be expecting people who are going through mental health issues to use their mental health issues to help other people just because they are more visible?

You dont get to decide how someone else responds to their own mental health issues. To a great extent, they dont get to decide.

We as a society need to be more receptive to other peoples mental health issues, doctors need to treat it better, we need to talk about it more in school and on TV. We need to kind and understanding. But that is not the responsibility of people that are suffering. It's the responsibility of those that aren't.

@Fandajji

I don't think it's fair to say they need to be more honest to help educate people. A lot of people don't realise it's bad until it's too bad to face, then you mask. It's only when you look back that you go, "oh wow, that was bad".

Exactly.

OP you seem to think others could identify it when you couldn't yourself. When I was really ill, I didn't realise what it was. I knew something wasn't right, but I thought I just wasn't coping with the normal experience of motherhood, which is why I masked it - fake it 'till you make it - sort of thing. It was only when I was well that I could look back and see just how ill I had been.

It was the same when I had depression in my 20s, only when I came out of it could I see my behaviour for what it was - a symptom of my illness.

The difference with PND to my previous depression, was that I'd had this massive life changing event so I didn't know whether this was normal or not, if everyone felt like this and this was just life now. With depression, I didn't know it was depression, I just knew I didn't feel my usual self.

From people with situational depression that is hopefully short lived right up to the most unwell people who are sectioned. Most hide it. Having been under MH services for some time and mixed with many seriously unwell people I’m good at spotting the very unwell heavily medicated. They don’t always swing their arms when they walk plus look at their eyes.

I’m not telling people I have been an in patient. Many people experience MH issues at some point in their lives but when you are at the extreme end of that scale it’s truly petrifying to others. If I told people what I had done when psychotic I think they would not understand in the least nor want to.

@MidnightCitrus

I mean, that if they were more honest they would help more people, for things like seeing the early signs etc

As someone who has suffered from mental health issues in my life, I respectfully disagree - but only due to the whole way social media 'influencers' communicate.

I mean, there are literally thousands of social media people talking about "mental health" at the moment.

You get loads of empty platitudes from them. "We need to talk about it, we need to ask everyone if they are ok... #bekind ... post #mentalhealth if u relate to this"

I would actually go as far to say that mental health is now a currency for these posters. It's a topic that increases views, which in turn increases payments from the sponsors that put money in their pockets.

The genuine insightful posts are few and far between, because at the end of the day these people exist to make buyers feel good and think about lifestyles and products.

Trashtara Wed 19-Aug-20 10:41:40
Fandajji

I don't think it's fair to say they need to be more honest to help educate people. A lot of people don't realise it's bad until it's too bad to face, then you mask. It's only when you look back that you go, "oh wow, that was bad".

Exactly.

OP you seem to think others could identify it when you couldn't yourself. When I was really ill, I didn't realise what it was. I knew something wasn't right, but I thought I just wasn't coping with the normal experience of motherhood, which is why I masked it - fake it 'till you make it - sort of thing. It was only when I was well that I could look back and see just how ill I had been.

would it have helped though if people talked more about how they feel at the start?

I don’t think it’s a choice...

@MidnightCitrus

Trashtara Wed 19-Aug-20 10:41:40 Fandajji

I don't think it's fair to say they need to be more honest to help educate people. A lot of people don't realise it's bad until it's too bad to face, then you mask. It's only when you look back that you go, "oh wow, that was bad".

Exactly.

OP you seem to think others could identify it when you couldn't yourself. When I was really ill, I didn't realise what it was. I knew something wasn't right, but I thought I just wasn't coping with the normal experience of motherhood, which is why I masked it - fake it 'till you make it - sort of thing. It was only when I was well that I could look back and see just how ill I had been.

would it have helped though if people talked more about how they feel at the start?

No, I don't think so. I didn't see myself as ill, and I think if someone had told me they felt this way and they had PND I wouldn't have believed them, especially as that's part of PND - a drive to seem normal and cover up your illness, denial is a huge part of that.

I initially didn't think I was depressed or anxious. To me my behaviour was entirely proportional. In my mind DS was going to die, it was because of me and everyone else was a faving lunatic because they wouldn't take me seriously. They left him with me day after day when he wasn't safe.
Looking back I see this was not the case and I was ill but I couldn't have explained that to you at the time far less post it on social media.