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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad (but fascinated) about relationships

26 replies

Thatbliddywoman · 19/08/2020 03:10

I see so much of it on here and in real life, about people's ex long term partners and husbands/wives and how awful they are following a break up or before/after one
Just.. Those two people were once in love. And then something just happens and now they're full of hatred for one another and behave in ways most wouldnt treat their worst enemy. It makes me feel so sad. It also honesty baffles me. Does anyone else feel this way? Or is it just a normal thing to happen?

OP posts:
ginandgingers92 · 19/08/2020 03:29

It baffles me, too- how you can love someone so much one day; they're your best friend and the source of your happiness, but at the conclusion of a relationship you can be close to actual hate. They do say there's a fine line between the two... maybe that flip in feelings is just our inate way of surviving something as hurtful and difficult as a break up. 🤔

Original poster
Thatbliddywoman · 19/08/2020 03:31

That is food for thought and did cross my mind
That without that hatred nobody would get over anyone. It just seems so wierd.

OP posts:
ginandgingers92 · 19/08/2020 03:32

The thing that also saddens me the most is how some people use their children as weapons in break ups, to hurt each other. I hope DH and I stay happily married, but if not, I hope we never get to that stage. I can't imagine stopping him from seeing his children, for no good reason other than to make his life miserable.

Ghoste · 19/08/2020 03:33

I don't think love and hate are opposites. It's more like they coexist, strong feelings good and bad, even in enduring relationships.

Anordinarymum · 19/08/2020 03:36

Yes, but when you read the threads - with a lot of the relationships the writing was always on the wall. I suppose if you love someone or think you do you tend to ignore some aspects of a persons personality.

Abusive or controlling people don't stop being like that do they ?

metalkprettyoneday · 19/08/2020 03:36

Yes agree with pp. Once people show their real selves all the strong emotions come out.

Noneformethanks · 19/08/2020 03:38

You know that it isn’t just a flipped switch? That it takes years and years of being belittled and ignored and treated badly TIL there is no love left?

Noneformethanks · 19/08/2020 03:39

My ex was abusive. Behind closed doors.

You from the outside never saw that. You saw a man who was ok a bit lazy but he was a good man.

But it was an act. It only went on when there were others to see.

isabellerossignol · 19/08/2020 03:40

I think the relationships I see where this has happened aren't cases where the couple were deeply in love and really happy at some stage. They tend to be relationships that were dysfunctional from the start, with a lot of game playing and emotional abuse. Or at the very least with one partner being lazy and self centred. When the partner who was the victim stands up to the one who had the power, the latter can't quite believe that they had the nerve to do it and it all turns nasty from there.

Catsup · 19/08/2020 04:38

Because some people are absolute cunts, and when the relationship breaks down they have no need to contain it anymore? My ex was 'loveliness' personified! Right up until he kicked holes in doors on his way out, and my teacup sized dog was sporting an 'unknown' limp? Tbf he denied kicking the dog... But what fully grown adult would admit to booting a 4lb animal unless they were an absolute psychopath 😳

SaintofBats · 19/08/2020 04:44

Are you very young, OP? Because honestly, surely it’s not that surprising that people fall out of love and/or treat one another badly. And not just in romantic/sexual relationships — people regularly describe on here treatment from ‘friends’ indistinguishable from that of ‘sworn enemies’.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 19/08/2020 04:52

Bear in mind that people with good relationships tend not to write about them on here. You only hear about the difficult and downright bad.

Also, disagree that anyone needs to feel 'hatred' to move on. It's quite possible to cultivate a friendly non-involvement with an ex. That certainly works best where children are involved.

Noneformethanks · 19/08/2020 05:03

Also, disagree that anyone needs to feel 'hatred' to move on. It's quite possible to cultivate a friendly non-involvement with an ex. That certainly works best where children are involved.

Not when there’s abuse.

Noneformethanks · 19/08/2020 05:04

By fuck is anyone going to tell me the best thing to do was be friendly with my ex. Sorry.

blubberball · 19/08/2020 06:22

Abuse chips away at your love until you realise that you now feel nothing for the person you believed that you loved, and you believed loved you. You realise that they never loved you at all, because you don't treat people you love like that. You realise that you were just convenient to them all along.

FuckwitMcGee · 19/08/2020 06:46

I reported similar thoughts to my parents once. They found it hilarious.

I was ten years old at the time, and therefore had an excuse for being so hopelessly naïve.

user1493413286 · 19/08/2020 06:51

I know what you mean; that’s why I always think you should protect your finances as people can change beyond recognition when you break up with them. The worst is when people use children to hurt their ex though.

Sally2791 · 19/08/2020 06:55

Years of nastiness, abuse in many forms and neglect certainly turned my feelings. I try to feel indifference towards him now, despite him still being difficult in the limited ways available to him.

Hopefulhen · 19/08/2020 07:29

I think some people have relationships that are based on very fickle foundations. Quite easy to imagine how infatuation or lust can turn into hatred.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 19/08/2020 07:32

@Thatbliddywoman

That is food for thought and did cross my mind That without that hatred nobody would get over anyone. It just seems so wierd.
Rubbish, I've ended a relationship without hatred. We went out for 2 years but in the end it wasn't the right time for either of us to make a permanent commitment. Have you never heard of an amicable split?
thepeopleversuswork · 19/08/2020 07:49

@Hopefulhen

I think some people have relationships that are based on very fickle foundations. Quite easy to imagine how infatuation or lust can turn into hatred.
This is a really important point: a lot of people build entire lives on "relationships" which are little more than infatuation and good sex, due largely to millennia of social conditioning that persuades them that being "in a relationship" is the greatest goal they can achieve.

When these relationships disintegrate when the sex wears off or real life intervenes, the fallout is much wider than simply the end of the relationship, it impacts mutual children, families and social networks and also ends up with one partner (usually the woman) being significantly financially disadvantaged.

All the more reason to educate children (and girls in particular) always to be financially self-sufficient and never to rely on anyone else to support them. Then if (when) these relationships fall apart there is something to fall back on.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 19/08/2020 07:50

This hasn't happened to me thankfully, but I can see why it might. If you deeply deeply love someone but they do something awful to you it's going to hurt just as deeply. A friend was cheated on by her husband after their eighteen month old baby died, I'm not sure I wouldn't feel hate too. That person who you loved and trusted so deeply has betrayed you and at a time when he should have been there for you and your other child. I wouldn't ever get over something like that and I don't think I'd ever forgive him.

Bloodylush · 19/08/2020 07:54

I find it is more likely to get nasty when one person wants to end the relationship and the other doesn’t. Or when they can’t accept the other person ending it even if the relationship was bad.

PurpleMackington · 19/08/2020 08:58

Because some people are absolute cunts, and when the relationship breaks down they have no need to contain it anymore?

I agree with this. And also it depends on why the relationship ended and how much hurt was caused.

My STBXH and I split up a couple of months ago. We didn't hurt each other, the relationship just wasn't working and neither of us are happy. We are both now dating other people, both happier, able to co-parent really well, spend time in each others company and homes, and support each other (he called me ahead of a first date last week for moral support!). But neither of us were cunts in the first place and haven't hurt each other, so no need to start hating each other.

RiteAid · 19/08/2020 09:04

I feel the same OP. I’m not a divorce lawyer but sometimes assist a colleague with his divorce cases and when you’re in court or a mediation witnessing the loathing and the selfishness, it can be pretty upsetting. I always think that once these people promised to love, support and cherish each other until death, and it’s so sad to see what it has come to.

It’s actually one of the reasons I’m now not opposed to (fair, balanced) pre-nups; I see it as choosing while you still love one another how you will treat each other if ever a time comes that you don’t. I view them as loving gifts in that respect!