To not allow DS to go on this bike ride.....

[SeasideArms]

He's 14 . Wants to cycle approx 30 miles. He's going with 2 lads who are 16 and 17. My objections are:

He's fit but not a regular cyclist. I think he's underestimated how hard it will be.

The route includes some busy country roads and one A road. I drive these kind of roads regularly and see the way motorists behave. I've seen many a near miss and one accident.

I also don't know the other boys, although I do know of them. But DS can be secretive and I'm not completely sure he's telling the truth.

He's cross, says we don't let him do anything!
But I'd never forgive myself if something happened to him. AIBU???

He’s fourteen not four. He shoe able to cycle 30 miles and getting a bit tired will do him good. It’s a concern that so many think that a healthy young man can’t cope with a little exercise.
He should have road sense at fourteen and be fine on roads. He’s reaction speed is probably better than an adults.
He needs to be allowed to develop and use his sense of adventure and use us some of his testosterone, that he’s probably bursting with. Better a bike ride than quarry jumping, drugs or playing chicken at level crossings.
Let him grow up and experience fun.

I would be deeply suspicious. Two boys of 16 and 17 would not normally hang around with a 14 year old
I disagree: My DC's are vertically grouped in some classes at school and are in youth/sports clubs with mixed ages, so friendships do naturally develop.

Cycling on roads is a skill that needs to be learned gradually though, and I wouldn't be happy if my DC were to jump straight in at the deep end with this outing. He needs to be able to read the road and have awareness of drivers which he may not be able to if hes only ridden on residential roads and cycle paths.

I would be worried about the roads. How safe and aware is your ds? The ages of the other boys wouldn’t worry me. I’m late 40s. When I was 14, boys could go off on cycling trips for a weekend together. Not girls.... in my world at least.

Could you cycle first, as a family, to check his road sense?

I’d show him some images of what happens when people aren’t wearing helmets. Sometimes you have to scare kids into doing the right thing (re-emerge public information videos from school anyone?).

30 miles on a bike is nothing for a fit 14 year old. The roads would worry me for an inexperienced cyclist though. There are certain A roads I won't touch, as an experienced cyclist. He does need to know about things like road positioning, and he needs to realise how stupid and dangerous the average car driver is.

I'd renegotiate the route and in the longer term, make sure he has some cycle training. But otherwise, be careful. When I was that age my parents banned me from cycling to school because of the dangers. I worked out that if I left the bike in the front garden they didn't know if I was using it or not so I did that and cycled in. I was safe, because I was much savvier than they gave me credit for.

@latticechaos

Do you.know the other boys well?

I think 14 is quite young to be off with much older teens. I also agree about the road.

Much older? A 16 year old could be not much more a year older than a 14 year old, the year above at school. My child started school at 4 with a 6 year old in his class (overseas), it's hardly a large age gap.

At 14 I think you should focus on the fact he's actually told you in advance that he's planning to do this, rather than just going out and doing it.

Have you told DS your concerns? If not, why not see what his response is? Maybe, for example, a different route could be taken.

Also my teens always only ask me to do things when they themselves are worried. If he was not worried he would have just announced that he was doing it, and you would not be posting on here.

He is worried, although he won't tell you outright.
If he is not into cycling I would be wondering where his sudden passion has come from? I would not be keen on the age difference between him and the other boys full stop. Vast difference in maturity.

And busy A roads, no way! No for a child who has no experience. He needs to get to grips with cycling on smaller roads, and then progress on to the busy roads that can see cars hurtling by at 70mph most days.

One of the boys is 17.

When I was younger than that we used to get driven away from school and given a map, bearings and 2 days to get back

Getting to meet the other boys would be my only condition for him being allowed to go

No way!
I wouldn’t let my 14 year old DS go out for the day with 2 older boys that I didn’t know, let alone let them cycle on dangerous roads.

How does he know the boys?
My son started cycling with older teens for a while because locally no one else matched his skills/level especially with lockdown lots of children have improved and he's finding friends closer to his age. He learned a lot from the older teens and is passing that on.
Most teens aren't awful people but as I said depends where he knows them from

@Friendsoftheearth

One of the boys is 17.

So? My 14 year old's old classmates will start turning 16 from January when he is still 14. A 17 year old could be the 16 year old's cousin, mate from down the road, whatever. A 14, 16, and 17 year old could all be friends at Explorer Scouts together. I don't see the big deal with those ages at all.

I cycled about 45 miles as a 14 year old. One of the happiest memories of my life. I'd asked my dad if he could pick me up in his car as I wanted to see how far I could get. I don't think he expected me to get that far! Roads were still busy then and I managed fine. Your son will have 2 others to look out for him. Don't you want him to develop a sense of independence and adventure?

My DDs friendship group spans 3 years of primary school as it was so small. They’re now between 15&18. Totally normal, like sibling relationships.

No I wouldn't allow it. That's a long way if something was to happen. I would also be worried about the roads. Actually that would be my main worry. What's the purpose of the bike ride?

I'd let him go. I'm an unfit over 50 and i cycle 50kms in one day twice a year.

As long as they're not trying to break the land-speed record, and he knows them well, and they know the route, and you know where they will be going, and he has a way of contacting you, and he takes enough water and maybe a snack it will be fine.

Do you know the other boys?

I’d be worried but I’d still let him go. He’s 14, time to loosen those apron strings.

Thanks everyone, but of a mixed bag.....

To address a few things: He knows the boys from a sports club/team he belongs to. One of them is the coach' son. He talks to them online, but hasn't met up with them before. He has mentioned cycling with them in the past, but it's not happened.

I'm not really worried about his fitness, he will be fine I'm sure.

My main concern is the busy roads, I don't think it can be avoided as they've planned to follow a national cycling route already and it's part of it. He's quite sensible, but a bit of a speed demon, and he did actually fail his bikeability course (but that was 3 years ago!) We could definitely do some cycling with him to work on that, but as I said, I wouldn't cycle on some of these roads!

I am also a bit concerned he might not be doing what he says he is, however that could be resolved as I do have contact details for the the Dad.

I don't want to make him sneak around and do things behind our backs. The relationship we have is that he does ask us what he can do, he doesn't just disappear for a whole day, and that's how I behaved at his age too.

Also, I don't know the purpose, and why this particular destination. They're cycling to the coast, maybe that's the appeal. But he hasn't given a strong answer. Given what I know of the other boys, I think they may be regular cyclists. DS isn't! I think I'd feel happier if he'd built up to this a bit.

A coastal ride could be a reason in itself - how does he know the other boys? Could you do some of it together so he can try it and save Face ID he doesn’t like it?

I'd let him do it to be fair. Just check in with the coach and confirm details with him.

national cycling route already and it's part of it

tbh if its a national cycling route then Id be fairly happy, Ive never come across a National cycling route that was on a road I wouldn't cycle on ( I wouldn't cycle on the Fosse way and thats a B road) Some A roads are particularly quiet, you can usually check them out on google maps to see the level of traffic - something I do when planning routes in areas I m not familiar with. I use cycle streets to see which ay I could go - perhaps use the website ourself and check the route - they have three levels of routes

In say ion that `I wouldn't cycle on the " Fosse way" I did in the early 80s and it wasn't easy - an undulating road with lorry (pre M40) but not as busy as now - I was the same age as your son and did over 50 miles in the day, I cam't remember it being a problem an id never cycled that far before

Would you let him do it alone?

Because that’s what he could be if the others shoot off or he can’t keep up with them. Alone.