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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow DS to go on this bike ride.....

76 replies

SeasideArms · 19/08/2020 01:38

He's 14 . Wants to cycle approx 30 miles. He's going with 2 lads who are 16 and 17. My objections are:

He's fit but not a regular cyclist. I think he's underestimated how hard it will be.

The route includes some busy country roads and one A road. I drive these kind of roads regularly and see the way motorists behave. I've seen many a near miss and one accident.

I also don't know the other boys, although I do know of them. But DS can be secretive and I'm not completely sure he's telling the truth.

He's cross, says we don't let him do anything!
But I'd never forgive myself if something happened to him. AIBU???

OP posts:
Tapiocaisbleurgh · 19/08/2020 07:00
  • Tapiocaisbleurgh I’d be concerned about county lines here if he’s getting defensive That's quite a leap !* Hopefully so, but - he’s defensive, he doesn’t normally cycle this far, it’s major roads, op seems uncertain about the other boys and there doesn’t seem to have been a reason for this particular route given the major roads. A recce as suggested by pp would be a good idea in a circumstance. To regular cyclists that’s nothing but new to it? Totally different.
WaltzingBetty · 19/08/2020 07:03

If you're worried about his bike skills on the road then you need to take constructive steps to address that.
So to take each of your concerns.

  1. Fitness - I'm an overweight 40 year old who cycles occasionally. I could do 30-40 miles in a few hours. I don't think this is a concern if he has a drink and snacks.
  1. His road sense. This is a fair concern but how will you address it? He won't get better without further training. He won't magically become more competent in a year or so but will be more independent so the same risks will apply unless you do some thing about it. Can you or another trusted adult do some training with him? Or could he do a cycle safety course?
  1. The other boys. A 14 year old hanging out with boys 2-3 years older is a bit unusual. What's the basis for this friendship? Why are they going for this random sudden bike ride? I think this is the element that would concern me most.
WaltzingBetty · 19/08/2020 07:05

Agree with PP he also needs puncture repair skills

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 19/08/2020 07:09

are you able to pick him and his bike up if necessary? should something go wrong?

TitsOutForHarambe · 19/08/2020 07:09

Make sure he wears a helmet and takes his phone. I would let him go.

Bunnybigears · 19/08/2020 07:15

Where has he met the 16 and 17 year old. If it makes sense that they would be friends I.e met at a hobby etc then I would let him go. If he has just let them hanging about on the streets I would be wary about why they want to go on this bike ride with him.

ivykaty44 · 19/08/2020 07:16

30 miles = he has youth on his side and if he's fit it shouldn't be a problem
he's asking you what he want to do with his mates, most 14 year olds would be off doing without asking if you say no - knowledge is useful so keep his trust
its surely better that he goes out doing stuff than staying in on computer games
encourage hims to join a local club if he's keen

how did he meet these older lads and what type of bikes have they all got? mtb or road bike?

LynetteScavo · 19/08/2020 07:23

I have an older teen DS and an adult DS. I would let both of them do this aged 14. At that age I could do that distance no problem and I was an average teen girl.

Does he have a road bike? If so you have to expect him to use it. He obviously also needs a decent and a properly fitting helmet and a puncture repair kit, although more than once I've had a call to go and collect my DSs because of a puncture. Also a (high viz) cycling top and tell him to check the weather.

I would say he could go and try to get to know the other boys. DS2 has friends who are a couple of years younger and a few years older he's met through his sport, so I don't actually think having older friends is too weird.

Is it just for a bike ride or do they plan to do something when they are their? My boys have Ben very determined when they wanted to do something like go karting or look at a waterfall so at 14 I wouldn't be surprised if your DS went even if you said no.

If there a oath next to the A Road? I've sometimes seen people walking next to the the A road near me and there's definitely a path on both sides.

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/08/2020 07:25

Id only say no because of the A road. It can be very dangerous even with helmet on and lights. See if he and friends can choose another route. Are there any bike paths?

MinesAPintOfTea · 19/08/2020 07:30

I also thought drugs. That's a big age gap at that age.

If that isn't your concern, take him through the route, an emergency plan etc and let him go.

Tapiocaisbleurgh · 19/08/2020 07:31

Possibly have a look on here. Hopefully it won’t apply to the rest but it looks as though 2 already could
What are the signs of criminal exploitation and county lines?
Returning home late, staying out all night or going missing.
Being found in areas away from home.
Increasing drug use, or being found to have large amounts of drugs on them.
Being secretive about who they are talking to and where they are going

FortunesFave · 19/08/2020 07:36

How well do you know the other boys? If well, you should let him go.

Bluetrews25 · 19/08/2020 07:41

But he's not been secretive about who he's meeting or where he's going! He's told OP! Just because she has not met them does not mean they are shady.
If she says he can't go, that's when he might start being secretive.

My suggestion?
Let him go, but reduce as many risks as you can. Helmet, high vis clothing, phone, chat on road sense.
If you start to dictate the route, they will still go where they want to, surely?
Are the roads really that busy at the moment?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 19/08/2020 07:47

I think the key here is how does he know these boys? DS used to have a hobby that involved regularly mixing with boys a few years older. But if there is no good reason for them being friendly I would worry.

DS was (and still is) a keen cyclist. We live rurally and his closest friends lived a few miles away along a very windy and dangerous B road with NSL. He cycled there all the time and I had to let him do it as there was no alternative route. 30 miles is not an issue and presumably you can go and get him if his bike conks out. I only found out years later that when ds met up with his mates age 14, they would then go off on really long bike rides (50 miles) and I had no idea.

Do you have the app that can track his phone? Would you be happier letting him go if you could track him?

Tapiocaisbleurgh · 19/08/2020 07:48

My bad if that’s the case - I thought he was. Can’t see a teenage lad wearing a reflective jacket though even if he takes it?

Rangoon · 19/08/2020 07:50

I would be deeply suspicious. Two boys of 16 and 17 would not normally hang around with a 14 year old. It's only 2 or 3 years but at that age there is a wide divergence in interests and maturity. I have sons and they have never hung out with younger boys and certainly wouldn't have done so at that age. The closest one has come to doing so was the son of one of my friends who was younger and having a hard time and my son spent some time with him as a favour to me. Your son may not realise that something odd is going on or he does realise and is hoping you will say no.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 19/08/2020 07:50

@Tapiocaisbleurgh

My bad if that’s the case - I thought he was. Can’t see a teenage lad wearing a reflective jacket though even if he takes it?
Ds2 always went off wearing his hi vis vest as we insisted on it. Ds1 eventually had to point out that ds was stuffing it in the h hedge at the end of our road before cycling on to see his friends
Cam77 · 19/08/2020 07:51

Not a regular cyclist? 30 miles? No way. I’d be wary of cycling down some major roads as an experienced adult in this country.

FortunesFave · 19/08/2020 07:53

I would be deeply suspicious. Two boys of 16 and 17 would not normally hang around with a 14 year old

Not true. My DD is 16 and her (large) mixed friendship group goes from 14 to 16. Some of the younger ones are more mature than average and to be fair, there's only about 3 of them...but to assume that 16 year olds automatically have bad intentions if they hang out with 14 year olds is awful!

missyB1 · 19/08/2020 07:57

OP your gut instinct is telling you something is off here. I would insist on meeting these boys and questioning them about this bike ride. I would also want to drive / ride it myself to assess the risks. And you also need to consider what bike maintenance skills (if any) he has, and how would those other boys cope / react if something goes wrong.

Cryalot2 · 19/08/2020 08:00

I can see both sides.
But as a parent the following questions need answers.
1 why are they going and when?
2 his friends seem quite a bit older, you need to know them
3 what are his honest plans enroute?
Ask questions about why he is going, and why the older lads and the route . Does he plan to wear a helmet. Many may wait to they meet up and disgard.

Let him go, only once you are totally satisfied with the answers..
Teens can push you a bit. Good wishes, this parenting lark is never easy.

ArtemisBean · 19/08/2020 08:01

Are these boys his usual friends? Do you at least know where they live or who their parents are? They're not randoms he's met on the internet, for instance? That would worry me more than the cycling. I wouldn't be worried about the distance as long as your DS has all the proper safety gear and can contact you if he needs collecting, but I definitely don't like the sound of the busy A road.

AlwaysLatte · 19/08/2020 08:02

No I wouldn't at 14. It sounds really dangerous and there is that element that you don't know the others. How would you know if they are mature or not? Can you find an off road bike trail somewhere instead that they could do much more safely?

LinManWellWellWell · 19/08/2020 08:05

I wouldn’t let him. Unless he has had experience cycling on those roads previously with an adult who has taught him about appropriate road safety and you are confident he has the skills/wisdom to handle any difficulties . And I wouldn’t send him off with older teens I hadn’t met before. Very different if you know them.

Chezacheza · 19/08/2020 08:07

Nope.

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