Ex not paying for half of school uniform - wwyd?

[Meeko505]

So, we split time with the kids 3-4, with them with me four days a week. He pays no maintenance. His income is substantially bigger than mine, as is his capital. He's also just generally a douche.

He really disagrees with school uniform on a principle and last year when my 5yo started reception I had to push to get him to send him to school in uniform. I bought all his uniform, and asked him to pay for half, but he refused. I supplied him with uniform throughout the year.

This year, my 3yo is starting nursery (with uniform), so I've bought two lots for two kids now. I was going to the same thing I did last year and supply it, but I'm considering no longer doing that.

What spurred this on was, my son went to his Dad's wearing uniform and they were going blackberry picking, so I asked him to look after the trousers (new ones) and said I'd expect him to replace them if they got ripped. He said he wouldn't.

And it got me thinking about whether I want the responsibility of being the only uniform buyer from now until the kids are 18. Partially practically - my income isn't huge - and partially on a point of principle. I feel like by supplying him with uniform I'm just giving him an easy ride.

I also know the school are aware of the issues with his Dad and uniform (he's constantly writing letters to them about it) and have said if he sends the kids in non-uniform the issue will not be with them, it'll be with him.

I'm considering this year leaving a spare bag of clothes at school and just saying to ex to buy uniform himself. Most weeks he will at least get some uniform back when he picks the kids up, so he could send them in that, though it might be dirty. What he could end up doing is picking them up on Fridays in uniform, washing it, sending them back to me in Tuesday's uniform that's dirty, and then sending them back to school in Friday's clean uniform. So he could probably still get away with not buying any, and maybe he'll do that.

One thing is that this year the kids first day at school is his morning to drop them off, so could result in 5yo starting first day of year 1 with no uniform.

What do you think I should do?

You can’t make him pay for uniform but you can apply to CMS for maintenance.

@Shiverywinterbottom

You can’t make him pay for uniform but you can apply to CMS for maintenance.

I just worry if I apply for maintenance that he'll start really pushing for 50-50 time so that he doesn't have to pay anything. And I'd rather have less money and keep things 3-4.

he should be paying maintenance, I'd get that sorted first and then tackle the uniform... what about school trips etc - will he pay half?

1. Apply for CMS
2. Have uniform for when they are with you and tell him you expect him to have a set for when he has them- if he takes them to school without uniform I imagine they school will pull him up on it or tell him to take the kids back- after a few occasions he will no doubt not be happy about the impact on him. Tell the school the situation if they try to pick it up with you.

I’d just buy the uniform from their child benefit and not put them in the middle of it. Then just each pay your own costs for everything else on the days you have them.

Send your DC with correct uniform whenever their father is going to be responsible for the drop off.

Remind him - once - that it's only DS who suffers if he is sanctioned or teased at school.

Be ready to support DS - refer anything from the teacher to the parent who sent him in that day. Tell your ex, using DS's exact words, whenever there is a problem.

Do not do elaborate work arounds for his incompetence.

Buy the school uniform, but have ex buy more mufti

If that's all too tough in DS, as he might get some awkwardnesses at school, you might have to rethink. But chances are, he'll be fine. Hope so, because the last think you want to be going for the next decade or two is over-complicating your admin because he's being an arse. That's on a worst case scenario that he likes to have something, anything, to sabotage.

If it's really just uniform, it doesn't matter if uniform is grubby, as long as it's notnsombad the child smells. I assume ex does not interfere with washing and other hygiene?

My exh never ever bought anything. Ds did swimming and exh kept the wet stuff in his car to be used the next week. Once even after half term..

Not envy.
Ime your dc will grow up to learn exactly who provided for them..
It came back to kick exh in the balls.
Dc are nc now..

@AuntieStella

Send your DC with correct uniform whenever their father is going to be responsible for the drop off.

Remind him - once - that it's only DS who suffers if he is sanctioned or teased at school.

Be ready to support DS - refer anything from the teacher to the parent who sent him in that day. Tell your ex, using DS's exact words, whenever there is a problem.

Do not do elaborate work arounds for his incompetence.

Buy the school uniform, but have ex buy more mufti

If that's all too tough in DS, as he might get some awkwardnesses at school, you might have to rethink. But chances are, he'll be fine. Hope so, because the last think you want to be going for the next decade or two is over-complicating your admin because he's being an arse. That's on a worst case scenario that he likes to have something, anything, to sabotage.

If it's really just uniform, it doesn't matter if uniform is grubby, as long as it's notnsombad the child smells. I assume ex does not interfere with washing and other hygiene?

Yeah, he's good with hygiene and won't want to send them in grubby clothes. There are other parenting issues - he just generally doesn't compromise on anything that he thinks is right, really. Also has a temper and can be emotionally abusive/aggressive.

@Mrscaptainraymondholt

he should be paying maintenance, I'd get that sorted first and then tackle the uniform... what about school trips etc - will he pay half?

Not sure tbh. He doesn't pay for half of the school activities last year, though I didn't ask for money for them either. This was small amounts like £2 here or £5 there for discos, mufti days, children in need, etc.

Mostly they fell on my days but even if they fell on his days I think half the time he didn't open the school bag to read the letter etc. so I would have paid for them and organised it anyway. If I asked for money for a school trip I think it would depend on how much and whether he saw a need for it. If he didn't agree or thought it was too much he'd probably just say no.

Ask him to buy their non uniform clothes as a compromise, they cost more than uniform. Speak to school though as they have probably dealt with parent objecting to uniform before, they might have suggestions like you leave the uniform at school

My ex never contributed to anything. He claimed it was covered in the maintenance he paid. It wasn’t.

Ds is now 27. He says his dad is crap. He’s old enough now to form his own opinions. He’s been saying this for 7 years.

I'd check calculator. I'm sure with 50:50 if incomes are different then the higher earner still has some payments.

Do you have court order for 3-4?

If not the apply for cams for 3-4 and let him apply to courts for 50/50 if he wants.

Apply for CMS.

Have a spare uniform at school. He can pick them up in uniform and if he wants them to wear different clothes then he can buy them.

It's comforting that kids do later realise who put more time and money into raising them.

For birthdays and Christmases my ex also only spends about £20 per child on one or two small toys (last year it was a small Lego set and a couple of books each) and buys nothing in between, so they're already complaining that they don't have many toys at his house except old baby toys, and no wonder.

@itsgettingweird

I'd check calculator. I'm sure with 50:50 if incomes are different then the higher earner still has some payments.

Do you have court order for 3-4?

If not the apply for cams for 3-4 and let him apply to courts for 50/50 if he wants.

No court order. Am not sure about applying for one because in a way doesn't that get him more certainty of his 3 days? I only worry because have issues with his temper and the kids not wanting to go sometimes so don't want to give him more right to that time than he already has if it gets worse later.

Are uniforms compulsory at the children's school. Ours would send any child home if they were in own cloths without a very good reason.

I would claim maintenance, it isn't going to give him extra rights.

For pickup /collection notice purposes let school know your schedule...
Exh sent dc scruffy /without school shoes for example when he had them and blamed me!!
School knew our schedule and knew he was a scruffy lying twat of a df...

Who gets the child benefit for your kids ?

I'm asking as uniform is something I'd expect to be paid for with this money. (although obviously if it's needed for rent/ bills etc that's what you do with it)

How was the split arranged ? If it was through the courts, then I'd be asking my solicitor to have future costs set in stone eg uniforms, school lunches, school trips, fees for any clubs like swimming etc.

I wouldn't worry about him asking for more days, as he already has them almost 50 % of the week, so all the increase he could get would be 1/2 a day.

It would also be a good idea to get a solicitor to write to him about uniforms etc, informing him that he has an obligation to supply uniform where it is required by the school and that exposing his DC to potential upset just so HE can make a point is abusive behaviour ( for which he has previous form). Ask the school to write a letter about uniform being compulsory, and detailing any incidents they have had with DC father and any effects it's having on DC in school.

You still get maintenance with a 50/50 split. Go to the CMS calculator and work it out online

The only case where there's no maintenance is fully shared care. That means both parents take fully shared responsibility for all aspects of parenting. That's clearly not happening in your case.

You need to apply for maintenance and get some money off him.
It sounds like he isn't willingly going to pay for uniform otherwise. Until you get maintenance, I think you need to do everything you can to make sure your kids aren't caught in the middle. It's not fair for them to turn up without uniform or in a dirty uniform. Make sure they have spares at school.

don't want to give him more right to that time than he already has if it gets worse later

But he can apply for a court order at any time. If he's not a nice man and treats them badly I would be getting legal advice about reducing his time with them. What do you mean by issues with his temper?

I’ve read a lot on here about dads who keep the clothes their children arrive in and send them back basically in rags so in your situation I’d worry that he will keep the uniform and fail to give it back.
Might there be a way to keep the uniform at school so that they go to his house in their normal clothes?

@Feelingconfused2020

don't want to give him more right to that time than he already has if it gets worse later

But he can apply for a court order at any time. If he's not a nice man and treats them badly I would be getting legal advice about reducing his time with them. What do you mean by issues with his temper?

He gets angry. He's never hit them, but for example I recently found out after he first moved he half tipped the kitchen table oven when angry with them and their plates went on the floor and smashed etc.

He was also very occasionally physically aggressive with me when we were together - once pulled my hair, bruised my arm grabbing me in anger, etc.

@Meeko505

So, we split time with the kids 3-4, with them with me four days a week. He pays no maintenance. His income is substantially bigger than mine, as is his capital. He's also just generally a douche.

He really disagrees with school uniform on a principle and last year when my 5yo started reception I had to push to get him to send him to school in uniform. I bought all his uniform, and asked him to pay for half, but he refused. I supplied him with uniform throughout the year.

This year, my 3yo is starting nursery (with uniform), so I've bought two lots for two kids now. I was going to the same thing I did last year and supply it, but I'm considering no longer doing that.

What spurred this on was, my son went to his Dad's wearing uniform and they were going blackberry picking, so I asked him to look after the trousers (new ones) and said I'd expect him to replace them if they got ripped. He said he wouldn't.

And it got me thinking about whether I want the responsibility of being the only uniform buyer from now until the kids are 18. Partially practically - my income isn't huge - and partially on a point of principle. I feel like by supplying him with uniform I'm just giving him an easy ride.

I also know the school are aware of the issues with his Dad and uniform (he's constantly writing letters to them about it) and have said if he sends the kids in non-uniform the issue will not be with them, it'll be with him.

I'm considering this year leaving a spare bag of clothes at school and just saying to ex to buy uniform himself. Most weeks he will at least get some uniform back when he picks the kids up, so he could send them in that, though it might be dirty. What he could end up doing is picking them up on Fridays in uniform, washing it, sending them back to me in Tuesday's uniform that's dirty, and then sending them back to school in Friday's clean uniform. So he could probably still get away with not buying any, and maybe he'll do that.

One thing is that this year the kids first day at school is his morning to drop them off, so could result in 5yo starting first day of year 1 with no uniform.

What do you think I should do?

Why are you not claiming maintenance?

Solo: I agreed not to - although never said I never would - during divorce proceedings because the situation was awful and I just wanted the divorce done so I could get out there asap.

I haven't started claiming because I know he'd be awful about it, and fear he'd use it as incentive to push for 50-50 care. I realise another poster has said he would still have to pay maintenance.

For reference his income is about 4-5x mine.