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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like my ex friend has gaslighted me

34 replies

Midlifelights · 18/08/2020 06:11

Friend for over 25 years. She was meant to meet me for a night away as we don’t see much of each other but said she wasn’t well. The next thing I see is pictures of her out with other people on social media the same night. I was really upset.

I texted her to say that I was stepping back from the friendship but she went mad at me with a lot of ‘how could you do this to me’ and called me names and blamed me.

I feel like it’s my fault now when I haven’t done anything wrong apart from challenge her about it. It’s been a bit one sided for a long time with me feeling like I was making all the effort.

Aibu to feel a bit like I have been gaslighted by her? I kind of wish I hadn’t said anything now but really felt like I needed to challenge her.

OP posts:
Friendsoftheearth · 18/08/2020 06:20

She became defensive when challenged, you were not wrong to tell her why you were upset. This friendship is over until she can apologise and explain what happened, because she isn't a great friend to lie to you and shout at you.

I would look for new friends personally. Life is too short.

orangejuicer · 18/08/2020 06:23

I don't think how long you have known someone should have a bearing. She treated you badly. If you're not getting anything out of the relationship I'd just end it.

KatherineJaneway · 18/08/2020 06:24

I feel like it’s my fault now when I haven’t done anything wrong apart from challenge her about it.

It isn't your fault and you know it. She blew you off last minute for what she thought was a better offer and got angry when being called out for it. Personally i'd block her. It's hard calling time on long term relationships but this has clearly run its course.

Poppadumpony · 18/08/2020 06:37

This is why I hate social media.

She clearly had her reasons for choosing the night out over your night away (I assume the pictures are of that night and not another night), but she didn’t tell you why. Why didn’t she tell you? Seems to me it’s either:

  1. Because her reason was one that would hurt your feelings.
  2. Because she knew you would not listen / understand.

Which do you think it is?

Original poster
Midlifelights · 18/08/2020 06:43

@Poppadumpony she knew i would see it on social media- she’s on it all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Midlifelights · 18/08/2020 06:44

And why would I not step back after it- I’m not a total doormat

OP posts:
Poppadumpony · 18/08/2020 06:52

Well yes, absolutely step back if you want to.
You’re on AIBU, so you are unsure about it and wondering if you’ve been unreasonable. I’m just asking questions to help you determine this, by considering what your friend’s motivation might be.

redcarbluecar · 18/08/2020 06:59

On the face of it this doesn’t necessarily sound like a friendship deal breaker; more something you’d let her know you’d noticed and weren’t happy about. Her reaction sounds pretty telling though - she called you names?!

PatsyJStone · 18/08/2020 07:01

If it’s seemed one sided for a while then maybe your friendship has run it’s course. I’ve been there with the thought that because I’ve been friends with someone X number of years it matters, but I think quality of friendship matters more, and in my 40s I’m still making new friends. We are a long time adults and what was a good friendship once can change (for both parties). It is sad when you look at it with the rose tinted we’ve been friends for years glasses, but if the effort and enjoyment isn’t equally on both sides it has probably run it’s course. Enjoy time with your other friends now.

Happynow001 · 18/08/2020 07:47

You are not in the wrong here, OP. She got defensive because you called her out on her behaviour. You are definitely not in her first tier of friends.

Is what she's offered in the past (a more one-sided relationship, with you doing most of the approaching) good enough for you? If not the yes, take a big step back. She's shown what value she places on your friendship. 🌹

BiscoffAnythingIsTheWayForward · 18/08/2020 07:52

Personally, I think you know the answer already but as she’s been a ‘friend’ for a long time you don’t want to face it, which is understandable. A friend would have been honest with you and also not splash pictures on social media of what they’d chosen to do instead of what they had plans to do. Then having the cheek to be annoyed because you called them out for their ignorant behaviour. This would be a friendship breaker for me. She’s shown what she thinks of your friendship and given the chance she’d do it again I expect. Don’t respond is my advice.

Angelina82 · 18/08/2020 07:56

I don’t know about gaslighting you, but she’s let you down, lied to you and then got defensive and angry when you pulled her up on it. Do you really want to be friends with someone like that? I wouldn’t.

ifiwasascent · 18/08/2020 07:57

I had a "friend" like this- refused to come to my wedding and hen because she wasn't a bridesmaid- said she was too ill for my hen then I saw pictures of her on a night out and when I asked her about it I was made to feel guilty! She's no longer my friend and I don't miss her one bit

PurpleFlower1983 · 18/08/2020 08:00

She is no friend, block and move on!

PurpleDaisies · 18/08/2020 08:03

Gas lighting seems to be really over used on here. Wasn’t she just angry and had an argument with you?

I can understand why you’re upset. For a good friend, I’d want to talk about why she wasn’t honest about not wanting to go for that night away. There could have been good reasons. It sounds like things have been drifting for a while though.

InvincibleInvisibility · 18/08/2020 08:03

This same situation was the nail in the coffin with my best friend...when we were 18! We were meant to be going out. Last minute she said she couldn't and nothing I said would persuade her. The next morning it transpired she'd gone out with the rest of our group of friends instead as "R" "just wouldn't take no for an answer".

I moved on from that friendship and that friendship group. Was hard but I took a step back and realised that our friendship had always been on her terms and about her needs.

ShebaShimmyShake · 18/08/2020 08:05

I wouldn't call it gaslighting but it doesn't need a dramatic name for you to decide she's not a friend and to call time.

FarFromTheMaddeningToddler · 18/08/2020 08:08

When you say she blamed you, what did she say? Had you fallen out recently?

moofolk · 18/08/2020 08:12

Agree with PP about questioning your use of the word gaslighting.

Was she trying to convince you you'd imagined it, or something else that isn't clear from your OP?

If not, and it definitely was the same night, then not gaslighting but definitely unacceptable behaviour that she needs to be pulled on. She lied to you, and let you down for a better offer.

Rude and disrespectful, not the actions of a real friend.

SophieB100 · 18/08/2020 08:13

For some, the best line of defence is attack.

So, she let you down (had a better offer) then got caught out. Did the classic thing of trying to turn it round and deflect attention away from herself.

Now you're confused - which is what she wanted.
Don't be confused OP! Be clear that she's treated you shabbily, and stand your ground. Proper friends don't do this!
Flowers

Original poster
Midlifelights · 18/08/2020 08:15

She tried to make me feel like I was in the wrong - told me it was all me which is why I felt I’d been gaslighted (is it gaslit?!). It was the lying to me actually that annoyed me the most- making out she was ill when she wasn’t etc. I feel like the social media stuff didn’t even register with her.

I have blocked her on social media now- it’s just hard isn’t it after 25 years

OP posts:
BunniesLoveBananas · 18/08/2020 08:20

*it’s either:

  1. Because her reason was one that would hurt your feelings.
  2. Because she knew you would not listen / understand.*

Which do you think it is?

This is an assessment the friend should make before making plans. My understanding is that the friend had plans with OP then cancelled on the basis she was ill but went out with other people.

I think she's annoyed she was found out, OP. You were not wrong. Did she put her night out on SM herself or did someone else tag her in something?

SophieB100 · 18/08/2020 08:20

Yes OP, it's very hard and hurtful, especially after 25 years.

Original poster
Midlifelights · 18/08/2020 08:35

She was tagged in one pic but then put one up herself on insta - which I thought was a massive ‘fuck you’ to me to be honest. Who does that?

OP posts:
Serendipity79 · 18/08/2020 08:38

I had a similar situation with a friend of 6 years. All through the friendship she had done little things like forgetting all of the kids birthdays, making plans with me then bailing for plans with someone else and I always stayed quiet. Finally there was one thing that tipped me over the edge and I politely challenged her on it only to find myself blocked on everything, and we haven't spoken since. Clearly she placed a much lower value on our friendship than I did.

People who do this kind of thing don't like being called out on it, and its really hurtful for those it happens to. But looking back I realised it happened a lot, and perhaps it has for you too as it doesn't tend to be a one off

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