To feel like my ex friend has gaslighted me

[Midlifelights]

Friend for over 25 years. She was meant to meet me for a night away as we don’t see much of each other but said she wasn’t well. The next thing I see is pictures of her out with other people on social media the same night. I was really upset.

I texted her to say that I was stepping back from the friendship but she went mad at me with a lot of ‘how could you do this to me’ and called me names and blamed me.

I feel like it’s my fault now when I haven’t done anything wrong apart from challenge her about it. It’s been a bit one sided for a long time with me feeling like I was making all the effort.

Aibu to feel a bit like I have been gaslighted by her? I kind of wish I hadn’t said anything now but really felt like I needed to challenge her.

It’s definitely been very one sided for a while but I was trying really hard to keep the friendship going. Maybe too hard. It was definitely the case that the effort to meet came from me.

I think it’s the fact that she made me feel like I was being totally outrageously unreasonable for saying something.

@Midlifelights

And why would I not step back after it- I’m not a total doormat

Well you are - because you say 'I feel like it's my fault now' - as you know full well it isn't.

to describe it as gaslighting seems a bit strong.
You'd arranged time with her, she preferred another option at last minute, lied about it, and doesn't like being called out on the lie.
You now know how she prioritises time with you/your friendship.
Step back and move on.

It's not your fault @Midlifelights she dumped you for a night out with other friends. You found out and she blames you.

Not much of a friend, she should apologise not you. Please don't chase this poor excuse of a friend.

Gaslighting isn't trying to make someone feel guilty, it's basically denying objective reality to make them think they're going crazy. Moving their stuff and denying it has been moved. Having a conversation and saying it didn't happen. Turning the gas light down and denying that you're doing it or that it's happening (as happens in the film that gives the behaviour its name). It's a real phenomenon and a serious abuse tactic, and I don't think it applies here.

Which doesn't mean she isn't a horrible cow. You don't have to have a serious and dramatic term to realise she's treating you poorly and knock the whole thing on the head.

You have done the right thing in calling her out. She has hurt you and let you down and doesn’t seem to care, only thinking about herself. As others have said she doesn’t like the fact she has been caught out and is being very defensive.
You deserve to be treated much better than this. Although it will be very hard after a 25 year friendship I think you are doing the right thing in taking a big step back. If her nastiness continues I think you need to cut her out of your life altogether.

I hate the word gaslighting. It's overused, therefore it's losing its power when it's truly needed.
She didn't gaslight you. You caught her out in a lie, so she got defensive.
I do think you overreacted messaging her just because she went out telling her you were stepping back from the friendship. Instead of just calling her, or speaking to her in person. It's feel very secondary school.
Yanbu to end the friendship, but personally I think that's silly to throw away a 25 year friendship over this.

Yanbu to end the friendship, but personally I think that's silly to throw away a 25 year friendship over this.

Completely disagree. You were putting in all the work anyway and this was the last straw.