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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bridesmaid and Godmothers

41 replies

tallyheart · 16/08/2020 16:23

First of all - I'm not even engaged! And this going to sound like I'm completely unhinged. Believe me I know it is!

So I suffer from extreme anxiety and I'm a people pleaser. I have a bunch of friends that all don't gel and one best friend. Unfortunately they all think they are my best friend and as they are close it felt cruel to go "no you aren't". I also have a friend called Fiona who is rather overbearing and has managed to alienate the rest of my friends because she is so blunt and self absorbed (but not malicious)

Now about two years ago, Fiona announced to me that she would be my MOH when I did eventually get married. I tried to gently explain I didn't want bridesmaids and just wanted a small registry do and she burst into tears and said I was being selfish and she has always imagined me as hers. Since then she pulls faces if people mention it around her and I say I just want something small.

She's a bit addicted to always looking like shes doing something so I think some of this is wanting to do bridemaids pictures etc on Facebook. For a long time if I went away with my best friend I then had to do a trip with Fiona or she would sulk.

My partner has said that he would like mine and his nieces as bridesmaids (we have 9 nieces between us and my daughter would be a flower girl) and that she would be an immature person to resent 11 year olds etc

My best friend and others are totally fine with it but since she did this I've had such anxiety about the eventual confrontation that bridesmaids will now happen.

And now that I have a child this same fear has passed to godparents too. Again my other friends wouldn't mind if I had family (would be my brother and my partner's brother and wife) but they would if I had Fiona just to please her if you know what I mean.

This anxiety has consumed me so much that partner told my best friend that he would be married by now if it wasn't for this and he knows how much it stresses me out. Whenever anyone mentions christenings I end up popping anxiety tablets! And she isn't the type of person you can discuss this with (for example she doesn't believe in mental health issues!)

I'm basically looking for reassurance I'm not being a horrible person by not letting this woman be a bridesmaids or godmother? Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheDuckSaysMoo · 16/08/2020 16:34

YANBU. Stick with your family. Let Fiona deal with her own emotions. A good friend would support you. Does Fiona bring anything positive to your friendship?

Zilla1 · 16/08/2020 16:45

OP, live your life and make your choices. If you want your child Christened then arrange this and have your family and/or your best friend as godparents.

If you want to get married then get married in the way you want with the size of wedding and number of briedsmaids. Have your nieces and even your best friend as MoH.

How would you explain to your future you that you put your choices on hold because of fear of someone who isn't even your best friend? If Fiona kicks off then she's just showing you she isn't your friend.

Good luck.

Blankblankblank · 16/08/2020 16:51

I also have a friend called Fiona who is rather overbearing and has managed to alienate the rest of my friends because she is so blunt and self absorbed

Added to the above, If she has also caused you so much anxiety because she has demanded to be your MOH, I’m really not understanding why she’s your friend tbh. What good things does she actually bring to your life?

cameocat · 16/08/2020 16:53

Fiona sounds awful, I don't see what she brings to your friendship. If she's insulted then let her swan away and don't worry about it, you certainly don't have to feel anxious about her unreasonable feelings and petulant behaviour.

rosiejaune · 16/08/2020 16:59

You don't have to be friends with her. Although I can see that might cause you anxiety too.

Not directly related to the thread, whenever I see someone write MOH I automatically think "Mother of Hens" (which makes sense in a way, e.g. if the people at your hen party were the bridesmaids), and it takes me ages to remember what it really stands for.

MumW · 16/08/2020 17:03

FFS, you choose who YOU want for the bridal party and not someone who thinks they have a right to be one. Same with Godparents.
In fact, her entitlement suggests she doesn't have the right qualities to be a Godparen5.

Honestly, if everytime I went away with one friend or another, someone insisted I went away with them and threw a hissy fit if I didn't, they would find themselves culled from my friendship group. Honestly, dump her as friends are supposed to add something positive to your life and not so much anxiety that you end up pill popping.

RiteAid · 16/08/2020 17:04

You are letting your fear of her reaction completely rule your life. It has to stop. Make the decisions that are right for you - if she can’t cope with that and falls out with you over it, you will simply have freed yourself from a tyrannical presence affecting every decision you make. That would be a good thing!

roxfox · 16/08/2020 17:07

Jesus Christ. This woman causes you extreme anxiety. Go no contact and sort yourself out.

user1493413286 · 16/08/2020 17:07

Honestly I’m not sure why you’re friends with her; she sounds like she knows it’s hard for you to say no so manipulated you and that’s not a friend

friedakhaloshairband · 16/08/2020 17:14

Why are you friends with her if she makes you so anxious? It's crackers. You aren't even engaged or planning a wedding.
If you want to be friends with Fiona you need to say "You're not still on about that are you, I told you it's not happening" and leave it at that.

OliviaBenson · 16/08/2020 17:19

You are putting your whole life on hold because of this one 'friend'

I think you need to think hard about what she brings to your life but also seek help for your anxiety. She's not the boss of you!

MiddleClassProblem · 16/08/2020 17:20

If anyone is starting to control your personal decisions in this way it’s time to back off and let this friendship fizzle out.

I would say tell her to do one but I don’t think that your anxiety would allow this but please do cut her out.

Spied · 16/08/2020 17:23

I'd be ghosting Fiona.

DeeTractor · 16/08/2020 17:24

I mean this kindly OP but you need to find a spine. Start by telling Fiona where to go.

kissmysass · 16/08/2020 17:25

Goodness me, pull out a backbone from somewhere and tell her not to be such a mardy bitch about everything.

SunshineCake · 16/08/2020 17:30

Fiona is not your friend, you are her entertainment and play thing Sad.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 16/08/2020 17:32

By the time we get to a situation where you can have weddings large enough to include nine bridesmaids, hopefully Fiona will be long gone.
Seriously - why waste time on people who purport to be your friend but are so controlling so as to affect your mental health?
Drop her, get rid - it doesn't sound as if she brings anything positive to your life.
Your wedding day is your day to enjoy - and your partners. If it's an event that you are going to invest so much time and money on (or even if it isn't), don't let an overgrown child throwing tantrums and trying to control you spoil that.

She doesn't sound as if she would make a good friend for anyone, although there is likely to be a different dynamic with someone more assertive.
she doesn't believe in mental health issues - sounds as it she may have a few herself.

peajotter · 16/08/2020 17:33

Godparents should (ideally) have a faith in God. Some churches will insist on it. This might be an easy get-out for you if you need it. (Assuming that Fiona doesn’t attend church frequently)

Hadjab · 16/08/2020 17:33

What’s the worst case scenario if you tell her? She throws a hissy fit, and/or stops speaking to you - the latter would be a bonus, quite frankly.

GlassMarble · 16/08/2020 17:38

Your anxiety is blinding you to the fact that your life would probably be less anxious without this woman in it.

You don’t need a friend that increases your problems. Friends decrease them.

And I’ll let you into a secret @tallyheart ....
if this woman’s was to fallout with you and never darken your door again.... nothing bad would happen. The sky wouldn’t fall, the world would keep turning.

Just be brave for a few seconds and stop this woman ruling your life.

DanielRicciardosSmile · 16/08/2020 17:44

I sympathise with the anxiety you're suffering, but you're letting this woman dictate how you live your life. You need to tell her that you're only having family bridesmaids and family godparents. And then don't be drawn into conversation about it any more.

Schoolchoicesucks · 16/08/2020 17:46

Do you like Fiona, OP?

I hope she is otherwise supportive and lots of fun. Or not sure why you are still friends?

Presumably she is an adult. She's old enough to get over herself.

Is she married or in a relationship? Have/will you be her moh? It is difficult in lopsided friendships, and I know what it is like being anxious and people pleaser. But this is really impacting on your life - your dp says you would be married already without this.

If she is important to you and you want to remain friends, the best thing to do is to be honest with her.

Then she'll react however she does - either way at least it's done and out there and you can get on with dealing with it rather than worrying about it.

CalmdownJanet · 16/08/2020 17:49

You need to ditch Fiona, she sounds like a pain in the hole

katy1213 · 16/08/2020 17:58

OH, for heaven's sake! First - you tell Fiona that it is good manners to wait to be asked. If she kicks off, drop her. Don't even invite her as a guest. Let her scream till she's blue in the face - it makes not the least bit of difference to you because you will have switched off from all forms of bloody social media and you don't care.
Then decide who YOU want as your bridesmaids and invite them. Your little nieces sound a good idea and they will enjoy it. It is perfectly acceptable to invite a few little nieces or only one - you don't have to have every kid you know. In fact, why not have your daughter and one adult friend as a witness? Do NOT enter into dramas. Bridesmaiding is by invitation only and not on demand! Likewise godparenting.
And stop trying to please everyone. Life is so much easier when you please yourself. Look around you - those who don't give a fuck aren't on anxiety tablets! Enjoy your day - it's about you, not them!

Sparticuscaticus · 16/08/2020 18:03

I also have a friend called Fiona who is rather overbearing and has managed to alienate the rest of my friends because she is so blunt and self absorbed (but not malicious)

Fiona would be a nightmare as MoH and as godparent

Don't impose an overbearing Godmother on your DCs and FGS don't let her have a part in your wedding since she alienates people. This is the very reason not to have her in your wedding party. Give her another 'role' 'in charge of finding a band' or '...cake' if you must, or just stick with No WE have decided to go small wedding party or just to have littlies as our bridesmaids- "it's how I've always imagined my wedding and you are not taking that away from me"

You've got to stop letting yourself be over ridden , life gets very long if you let others make your choices for you. It's your Day with your STBH not Fiona's. Fiona gets her own day to have how she wants.