Bridesmaid and Godmothers

[tallyheart]

First of all - I'm not even engaged! And this going to sound like I'm completely unhinged. Believe me I know it is!

So I suffer from extreme anxiety and I'm a people pleaser. I have a bunch of friends that all don't gel and one best friend. Unfortunately they all think they are my best friend and as they are close it felt cruel to go "no you aren't". I also have a friend called Fiona who is rather overbearing and has managed to alienate the rest of my friends because she is so blunt and self absorbed (but not malicious)

Now about two years ago, Fiona announced to me that she would be my MOH when I did eventually get married. I tried to gently explain I didn't want bridesmaids and just wanted a small registry do and she burst into tears and said I was being selfish and she has always imagined me as hers. Since then she pulls faces if people mention it around her and I say I just want something small.

She's a bit addicted to always looking like shes doing something so I think some of this is wanting to do bridemaids pictures etc on Facebook. For a long time if I went away with my best friend I then had to do a trip with Fiona or she would sulk.

My partner has said that he would like mine and his nieces as bridesmaids (we have 9 nieces between us and my daughter would be a flower girl) and that she would be an immature person to resent 11 year olds etc

My best friend and others are totally fine with it but since she did this I've had such anxiety about the eventual confrontation that bridesmaids will now happen.

And now that I have a child this same fear has passed to godparents too. Again my other friends wouldn't mind if I had family (would be my brother and my partner's brother and wife) but they would if I had Fiona just to please her if you know what I mean.

This anxiety has consumed me so much that partner told my best friend that he would be married by now if it wasn't for this and he knows how much it stresses me out. Whenever anyone mentions christenings I end up popping anxiety tablets! And she isn't the type of person you can discuss this with (for example she doesn't believe in mental health issues!)

I'm basically looking for reassurance I'm not being a horrible person by not letting this woman be a bridesmaids or godmother? Or am I being unreasonable?

PS You could always get your fiancé to tell Fiona to f- out of both your lives. I bet he'd be glad to.
This is the wimp's option!

Mind you if you're having 9 small bridesmaids/flower girls you're going to need a MOH to keep them in check! 😊😊

This woman will ruin your wedding if you let her.

Start distancing yourself now like your other friends have and she won't expect to be MOH by the time the wedding rolls around.

Does Fiona have any other friends?.

It all sounds a bit stressful. How about going abroad to marry, that should cut down the stress and people (potential bridesmaids) attending?

I'd also add, if you want a small registry office wedding with no fuss, now is the perfect time for it. Gives you the excuse of government restrictions if you're not feeling brave enough to face her.

I'd be ghosting Fiona.

I'd have killed her.

Dump this person. You in five years time will thank you for it.

Did Fiona risk her own life to rescue your dd from a burning building? Because if not I’m not completely sure why you are still bothering with someone so awful!

Whatever you do someone is going to be upset. So important question:-

Who do you want? Not what is least likely to upset people or fairest or easiest or simplest. Who do you actually want?

@TSSDNCOP

I'd be ghosting Fiona.

I'd have killed her.

Dump this person. You in five years time will thank you for it.

I feel there might be a Netflix show about you one day...

It might really bebenfit your daughter if you told Fiona "no" and then Fiona flounced off forever. She will start dictating to your daughter if you let her carry on being around. Your daughter will grow up believing that "Mummy loves Fiona more than she loves me." Fiona will be seeing to that, however much you tell your daughter you love her.
It must be so hard for your DP to watch the woman he loves being abused like that. And if you are too frightened to have your wedding how you want it, then this is abuse. What is the worst thing that can happen? Why do you think it is OK for this woman to be so cruel to you? Do you think she has the right to be cruel to your DP? and it is cruelty, whether Fiona realises it or not.

Oh my goodness woman, Fiona is a shit friend more concerned with her feelings than yours or anyone else's. Don't make her your bridesmaid / MOH or you'll regret her being in every photo when she eventually pushes you too far and you finally go no contact. Don't make her your DCs godparent because frankly you would be imposing a selfish oddball on them to avoid feeling awkward - not fair on the kid.

If you insist on staying friends with someone so difficult, and she kicks off saying if she's not MOH / bridesmaid she won't come to the wedding then she wasn't your mate really anyway. Likewise christening.

Idea of all the nieces being bridesmaids is lovely. Do that and enjoy your day without some dickhead making it all about her.

OP where does your priorities lie? Because at this moment Fiona is stopping you doing what you want because you fear her reaction,

You aren’t responsible for her or her feelings.

She chooses to sulk let her, she chooses to strop let her, no interaction or attention needed.

Decide what you want and get on with it.

She has one other best friend who choose family over her on her wedding too, which I guess is why it's a sore point.

For those asking about what she's like as a friend, she can be very kind and will go all out for you on celebrations and always makes sure we meet up etc on a regular basis. She's just been a bit spoiled growing up and doesn't get home she comes across to people at times (which is why my other friends don't like her, and I have tried to tell her but to no avail!)

For those asking what I want, I hate fuss of any kind so I always wanted a small registry office with my niece's just dressed up and a little do after, or to do it abroad in a small ceremony and to give adults like bits to be involved in (witness, read a poem etc)

I think in many ways I wanted this thread to save and look back at when the time comes and I have to put on my big girl pants and face the confrontation!!

You need to work on yourself. I'd recommend Joan Didion's essay "On Self Respect" and Anne Dickinson's book "A Woman in Your Own Right" to start with.

And ditch this Fiona.

Wow. Honestly this is a totally dysfunctional and unhealthy friendship. If she doesn't like your choices then she can make her own choice and stop being your friend.

You need to tell her factually, unapologetically and unemotionally that these are your choices. If she expresses anything other than joy at your happiness then she is not a friend worth having. Tell her you're sad she cant be happy for you and respect your choices. And cut the cord.

You sound like the type of person who is lovely and thoughtful, but some people will take advantage of this. She is not being a friend, she is sucking your soul!

You're in an abusive relationship with Fiona. She's alienating your friends, demanding equal attention to what you give your family, making you anxious and walking on eggshells. She's spoiling what should be happy and exciting times.

This isn't just how she is, she's abusive. Time to get out.