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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did you have children when you met your OH?

58 replies

Blackrosee · 15/08/2020 21:55

AIBU thinking that I have missed out at my shot at true love as I already have children?

Did you meet your OH after having your children? How do you feel about their relationship? Do they love them as their own?

OP posts:
takenbywine · 15/08/2020 22:45

Also, if I were to ever split up form DH and remarry someone else who didn't have any children and later have a new addition with the new DH, I will feel very guilty for my DS who will never feel complete. DS will grow up watching a father-son/daughter relationship/family unit while his own relationship/original family unit is broken.

Original poster
Blackrosee · 15/08/2020 22:49

I really appreciate the replys both positive and negative. One of the reasons we split is that we were more like friends than anything. I think we both want the chance to meet someone more 'right'. But at the same time I partly think that this is a useless challenge because I worry I wont ever meet the 'perfect' person and even if I do, I worry he wont appreciate DC as much as they deserve to be appreciated. I saw a thread on here the other day on how people knew their partner was the one after 3 weeks and I wonder if I will ever be able to experience that.

OP posts:
Cuddling57 · 15/08/2020 22:50

Yes met partner after having ds.
They are like best friends.
Both are extremely lucky to have each other. As am I.
I don't believe in soul mates or the need to treat other people's children as your own. You can have just as good a relationship without labelling it as that.
@TheCanyon love love love your comment:

I have 4 dc, of course it would be off putting to some but I reckon I could easily get a new man if me and dh split.

GrinGrinGrin

Megan2018 · 15/08/2020 22:50

No, neither of us had children and we were 35 and 40. I avoided men with kids as much as possible.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 15/08/2020 22:51

There's no such thing as 'the one'. There are many people who might suit and be great for you depending on where you are in life.

You just split up, the focus should be on getting used to being single rather than a pair and on your kids' getting use to this set up rather than another bloody relationship.

tigerbear · 15/08/2020 22:52

Yes.
DP and I met 2.5 years ago.
DD was 6. Things moved very quickly - he moved in after 5 months, and we’re getting married next year. I know this way of doing things is very much frowned upon on MN, however we - and DD - is as happy as can be.
She adores him (more than her real dad), and he adores her.
DP is my soul mate. We’re 43 and 50 - it can definitely happen! 😍

dwiz8 · 15/08/2020 22:53

You've posted two very similar AIBUs this evening

raspberryk · 15/08/2020 22:55

@InDeoEstMeaFiducia I would not have kids with a man I wasn't married to
I was obviously refering to this part, completely irrelevant to the op/to the first half of your post.

Lots of us got married and had kids and it didn't make a blind bit of difference.
Some of us are better not married, no way would I marry now, I've more assets than my dp and I wouldn't risk my current 2 dc inheritance, even if I wanted a child with my new partner I wouldn't marry him.

tigerbear · 15/08/2020 22:55

@Blackrosee as sickening/stupid (whichever way you want to look at it) I knew DP was the one the night we met, and he said the same about me.

MsJaneAusten · 15/08/2020 22:55

I wonder how I will be able to be happy in a relationship if they don't love my DC as their father does.

I find this really strange tbh. Not saying you’re wrong but it’s so completely opposite to how I feel about future relationships. I have also recently split with STBXH and have begun dipping my toe into online dating. I’m specifically looking for someone else with kids so that they don’t try to father mine. My DC have a dad, they don’t need another. I, however, would like to be swept off my feet.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 15/08/2020 22:56

[quote raspberryk]**@InDeoEstMeaFiducia* I would not have kids with a man I wasn't married to*
I was obviously refering to this part, completely irrelevant to the op/to the first half of your post.

Lots of us got married and had kids and it didn't make a blind bit of difference.
Some of us are better not married, no way would I marry now, I've more assets than my dp and I wouldn't risk my current 2 dc inheritance, even if I wanted a child with my new partner I wouldn't marry him.[/quote]
So what? People don't have to respond just to the direct question Hmm. How they do has no bearing on your life. It was a dealbreaker for me.

5plus3 · 15/08/2020 23:14

I had 5 dc when I met dp. He adores then and they him. DCs were very young at the time but he knew we came as a package and welcomed it.
Obviously, not all people would react the same though.

TheCanyon · 15/08/2020 23:19

@Cuddling57 I mean, I'm not a bad "bird". My tits are a bit fucked right enough but I reckon I'm fairly attractive and intelligent and my dc are pretty good, I'm sure I'd find one.... eventually

caringcarer · 15/08/2020 23:19

I met DH when I was 42 with children of 18, 16 and 8. He had no children of his own. He helped 16 year old who I was afraid would go off the rails and has been a calming influence on him. He helped him to get a decent job and persuaded him to pay into pension. He helped me raise 8 year old and was a far better father to him than his unreliable biological one. In particular he spent hours helping him with Maths, Physics, Chemistry and I T at both GCSE and A levels. He had less influence on dd who was 18 as she went off to uni, then did Masters degree then moved in with her partner and married him and has 2 dc.DH is always calm no matter how worked up I get about something. He is good for all of us. He is a good grandad too.

PenguinsOnParade · 15/08/2020 23:29

I met DH 8 years ago when DC were 5 and 8, I wasn't planning on meeting someone else but we clicked instantly. He's a brilliant stepfather to them both and loves them as if they were his own. Their dad still sees them regularly too so I'm glad we've all been able to co-parent as a team.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/08/2020 23:34

When you have children it should not be your goal to know someone is "the one" after 3 weeks. That is putting your own wants before your children.

NellieTeehan · 15/08/2020 23:49

Did you really need two threads? I can’t help feeling there’s something awry in your attitude. You’ve only just ended your marriage and you’re already worrying about not meeting your ‘soulmate’ because of your children, and whether the soulmate in question will appreciate their children as much as their father does?

Take a breath and focus on yourself and being single for a bit. Otherwise this is going to be some kind of ‘swept off my feet’ rebound car crash.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2020 23:55

I didn’t, DH did.

You’re highly unlikely to get a boyfriend who loves your kids like you or their father do. But they already have both of you so they don’t need a new dad.

If you’re recently post split then I’d spend some time focussing on your children who’ve already been through a lot of change. If you meet someone keep it casual and keep him away from your children for enough time to get to know him. Starting your boyfriend hunt hoping for a soul mate makes you very vulnerable.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 16/08/2020 00:02

DH and I first met at school, so no DC! We didn't get together until we were twenty five, but neither of us had children. My best friend had several long term relationships that ended badly, then met her DH he had 2 children and was divorced, she'd always wanted children but wasn't able to have her own biologically. They've now been together ten years, have fifty fifty with the DC and she gets on really well with their mum. The first time she overheard the youngest refer to her at his step mum to his friends she couldn't have been happier. She's so much more in sync with her husband than she was with anyone else I've ever seen her with and I've known her since i was eighteen, the children's mum even says my friend and her DH are a much better match than she was with him!

frustrationcentral · 16/08/2020 00:05

Yes, DS was 2

It was hard in the early days and we split up briefly about 6 months in as DS took up all of my time. We managed to get back together and push through it.

We moved in together when DS was 3.5 and married when he was 4.5. We've now been together for 14 years.

DH is a great Dad to DS and treats him exactly like he treats DS2. DS's dad is still involved but DH definitely plays the fatherly role ( ex's choice to not be that involved!)

We met online. I worked in a very female orientated job so no chance to meet anyone! So I gave online dating a go. I had thought it would just be DS and I alone forever

OhYeahYouSuck · 16/08/2020 00:10

@InDeoEstMeaFiducia

There's no such thing as 'the one'. There are many people who might suit and be great for you depending on where you are in life.

You just split up, the focus should be on getting used to being single rather than a pair and on your kids' getting use to this set up rather than another bloody relationship.

How about you concentrate on your life and happily live by your own ideals and stop pushing yours onto the OP. She didn't ask for your constant condescending judgement on whether she should have a relationship and what the timeframe should be. Funnily enough other people do things differently to you.
OhYeahYouSuck · 16/08/2020 00:19

I met DP after I split from exH. I have DCs. DP is the love of my life. I wasn't looking at the time and it was entirely unexpected. DP originally had in mind that he didn't want to get together with someone who had any or younger DCs, his is late teens, but he liked me too much to let that get in the way and he is fab with them. He has told me many times he didn't realise how he would end up getting attached to someone else's children and the thought that if we ever split or something happened to me he wouldn't have any right to see them makes him sad.

I know many people who go on to have relationships with someone who has children. I've rarely known it to be an issue and when it has been, it's been down to some pretty crappy parenting and the new partner getting fed up of this. Most people have embraced their partner's children and those that wouldn't would actively choose not to enter into that relationship.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 16/08/2020 00:56

How about you concentrate on your life and happily live by your own ideals and stop pushing yours onto the OP. She didn't ask for your constant condescending judgement on whether she should have a relationship and what the timeframe should be. Funnily enough other people do things differently to you.

She asked. Not even just once, but started two threads. Stay out of the kitchen and all that. Hmm

SenorPeabodyEsq · 16/08/2020 01:13

There's no such thing as 'the one'. Believing in soul mates is a far bigger hindrance than having children.

jimmyjammy001 · 16/08/2020 03:13

If I was a single bloke with no kids below 40 it would definitely be a deal breaker for me I would be avoiding women who allready had kids, could not really see a long term future there, if over 40 and kids had left home then I would give it a try. Anyone with young kids is a definite no go, I would not want to be planning my life around someone else's childcare arrangements, I would not want to be step dad to someone else's kids.