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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP snapped at me and made me feel like shit, just because I asked if he was ok..

33 replies

TattyTeddies · 15/08/2020 21:28

DP has been quiet and moody since waking up today, I didn't say anything at first just watched and wondered.

He been inpatient with the children who are toddlers (admittedly they were being hard work - they are kids) but his huffing and puffing was OTT.

I told him to stop being so impatient with them and perhaps give them the attention they want, they had lots of energy and wanted to play. I get the blocks out and play around with DS whilst my bath runs.

He engages with them half heartedly for a bit whilst I go for my bath and when I come out he's still in his shitty mood.

Quiet and barely saying anything, everything is an inconvenience and requires huffing and puffing. He's making it clear he's in a bad mood. You get the drift.

I sit down next to him and say "are you ok? Is something on your mind as you've been steessed all day"

He snaps back that he's fine and says "what.. can't I be annoyed when the kids are playing up, like normal people are"

I said of course he could but he's been like it all day long and he's only spent a portion of today with the kids as he's been working. I ask one more time is he sure he's ok and is there anything I can do.

Cue more huffing, biting my head off and expressing his annoyance that I've asked if he's ok in the first place.

I said ok suit yourself, if you're going to snap at me speak to me like that I'll not bother next time.

As I walk away he redirects DD from reaching for a mug then sarcastically says "oop, I'd better not say anything otherwise I'll be accused of being in a mood"

He clearly was and is in a fucking mood and is now being petulant to boot.

Was I being unreasonable for probing as to what on earth is wrong with the miserable git?

This has happened a handful of times before and every single time there has been something bothering him but he wouldn't say what.

OP posts:
LibrariesGiveUsPower · 15/08/2020 21:39

Something is obviously up. How has it come out when he’s behaved like that before?

TattyTeddies · 15/08/2020 21:45

Going on past experiences it's always something he didn't want me to know about. I end up finding out later on either by mistake or somebody else says something.

OP posts:
sitckmansladylove · 15/08/2020 21:49

Dh was in a mood this morning but I called him out about it. He normally isn't. He works long hours.
I don't know what's going on with yours. But if it continues tomorrow maybe have a break from him (bring one of the children out) and leave him to it.

TattyTeddies · 15/08/2020 21:54

I'm going to my DM's for Sunday lunch tomorrow so unless he snaps out of it by noon he can spend the day with his miserable self.

When I'm sad/worried or whatever else I actually appreciate somebody checking in with me and seeing if I'm ok. Men are another species sometimes.

OP posts:
ROTFLBSST · 15/08/2020 21:55

How is communication between you normally? Do you always find out what’s up from outside the relationship?

Ishihtzuknot · 15/08/2020 21:55

Don’t push for answers if it makes him worse, I know if I’m in a bad mood I prefer to be left alone. He shouldn’t be taking it out on your or dc though. Wait until he’s calmed down and talk about it.

sitckmansladylove · 15/08/2020 21:56

Well if you spend the day with the dc at your mum's make sure to have an hour or two to yourself in the evening (walk or shops if open) and leave him to the bedtime routine. He needs to step up and with less attitude

Lardlizard · 15/08/2020 21:58

Sounds like a man child
Have a nice day tomorrow with his miserable face !

TattyTeddies · 15/08/2020 21:58

@ROTFLBSST

How is communication between you normally? Do you always find out what’s up from outside the relationship?
Communication is hit and miss generally.

I'm very open and a good communicator and he is the opposite. He won't open up without it being literally dragged out of him. It's just the way he is.

He has redeeming qualities of course otherwise I wouldn't have been with him for so long, but this is one aspect of his personality that really winds me up.

OP posts:
Sayitagainwhydontyou · 15/08/2020 22:00

@TattyTeddies

Going on past experiences it's always something he didn't want me to know about. I end up finding out later on either by mistake or somebody else says something.
Like what? Work discipline issues? Friendship problems? Money worries? Other women?
TattyTeddies · 15/08/2020 22:00

I certainly will do as suggested above.

I won't be pandering to it anymore, If he wants to act like that I can and will ignore him until he snaps out of it.

OP posts:
TattyTeddies · 15/08/2020 22:02

Like what? Work discipline issues? Friendship problems? Money worries? Other women?

All of the above bar friendship problems.

There was an affair years ago. The relationship was in a bad place and we were headed for separation when it began, not that it excuses anything. I decided to forgive him for a multitude of reasons and was happy with my decision, I do find that I have less tolerance for things like this as a result though.

OP posts:
FredaFrogspawn · 15/08/2020 22:02

What sort of things caused these moods in the past?

It sounds like a conversation you need to have when he’s in a better place. It really isn’t an acceptable way to communicate. It’s very unfair not only on you but also on the children.

You could suggest a couples counsellor maybe? It needs fixing or married life will continuously be punctuated with this poor behaviour. And that will impact on you and the children badly.

Sunrise234 · 15/08/2020 22:12

I think you are right and kind to ask if anything is bothering him but only once/twice else sometimes someone can put you in a mood by just constantly asking if you're in a mood lol.

But if you've asked him if everything is ok and he's still acting moody then of course you need to call him out on it - why are you huffing and puffing if there's nothing wrong with you type thing.

I think what you said about suit yourself I'll not bother asking next time is perfect because your not playing to his childish behaviour.

GlassMarble · 15/08/2020 22:20

Ugh mood swings, mind games and a previous affair. Life’s too short for this shit OP.

TattyTeddies · 15/08/2020 22:21

He has just apologised and said he's just stressed from the children (one in particular) being difficult today and it was frustrating him.

This is our DS with special needs and I do acknowledge he can be hard work and I have my days when I'm overwhelmed too but it's no excuse to snap at me as I never do him.

I'm not convinced but I'll leave it at that and see how he is tomorrow after a proper nights sleep.

OP posts:
TattyTeddies · 15/08/2020 22:22

@GlassMarble

Ugh mood swings, mind games and a previous affair. Life’s too short for this shit OP.
I have told myself exactly that today, it's funny really as this was a total non event in comparison.
OP posts:
FredaFrogspawn · 15/08/2020 22:22

An affair? Do you think it may be another?
I HATE the way some people get so unpleasant to their unsuspecting partner when an affair is happening. It’s so unfair.

FredaFrogspawn · 15/08/2020 22:23

Sorry - I keep cross posting with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/08/2020 22:28

You and your children deserve more than walking on egg shells around a stroppy arse.

Malaya · 15/08/2020 22:34

The first time he had an affair, did he start acting the same way?

tara66 · 15/08/2020 22:59

Storm in a tea cup?

TattyTeddies · 15/08/2020 23:00

He was similar when he was having an affair yes, almost looking for arguments. Intolerant of me.

That's the first thing that comes to mind when he goes like this.

OP posts:
Shizzlestix · 15/08/2020 23:43

That's the first thing that comes to mind when he goes like this

Have you told him this, @TattyTeddies? I understand why you’d be concerned. He sounds like a poor communicator.

TattyTeddies · 16/08/2020 00:35

I have in the past yes. He acknowledges my train of thought but then that goes out of the window the next time he's in a mood and he returns to his default way of handling stress or inconvenience.

It doesn't happen often, but when it does it just makes me anxious.

I don't think he will ever match my level of open communication, I say that as somebody who considers communication the bare minimum in a relationship.

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