To wonder whether you can separate but live together?

[BeanCalledPickle]

Back story; married nine years. Two DDs aged 5 and 7. Live in decent sized house and have a joint income that allows us to live well but not indulgently, so one holiday a year, a meal out every month, haircuts, days out etc. One DD has some additional needs and we spend money on specialist tutor etc.

Marriage pretty much dead. Have discussed in amicable manner and agreed we want to split up. We get on but we don’t want to be together. We do want to be as civilised about it as possible. Both of us have slipped up and gone over the line with colleagues and we have been honest about it with each other. Emotional affairs really. No hard feelings either way, we know these are symptoms not the problem but it makes it clear that we do need to move on.

We have been looking at living apart but it would be very tricky. I’d need to put 200k on the mortgage to buy him out and he would need to take on 100k of mortgage on top of the 200k I’d give him to stand a chance of getting even a half decent two bed flat. Expensive area. We don’t want to rent and it would cost more than mortgage in any event. HVing done the maths it’s doable but with no spare cash for anything nice. I’m prepared to make cuts but I don’t want to end up with no treats for the kids because of my choices. And beyond the money I do worry that our selfish desire to move on will impact on them massively. I do think that separated happy parents are better than together miserable parents though.

He has now come to me suggesting we draw up an agreement whereby we separate but live together. A clear rota of who is in charge of the kids with the other free to do whatever. One weekend on one off. We have separate bedrooms and bathrooms already. Similarly share the kids and week nights as well. Haven’t discussed the detail but would work out a way of separating finances so less shared as well, along with things like shopping and laundry.

I was initially quite dismissive but I can see some possibility this could work. Does anyone have any experiences to share? I can see it might be difficult if there were new people on the scene and it would have to be that this can’t happen if the other is under the same roof. I’m hopeful this could be some sort of solution?

That sounds like a shitstorm waiting to happen. Things are amicable now but I bet they wouldn’t be if you decided to do this. Super confusing for the kids too. New relationships would be impossible - fine if neither if you had anything intention of moving on but it sounds like you both do.

I am sure some may say it would work, but I can;t see how it can be done.
So much communication and compromise to be done, Bills, repairs, cleaning, decorating, maintanance, sharing of space, gardening, noise, music, cooking.
All that needs dialogue, communication and relationship.

I don't think it can be done.

It doesn’t sound healthy to me. You won’t be moving on properly and it’ll be confusing for the children. Madness to carry on for years like that.

Perhaps you could get a smaller house and he could start off with a one bed flat nearby. Also, even if you’re in a ‘naice’ area, there’s usually a ‘nice’ one nearby that could save you £££.

How big is your house? Could you convert it into two flats?

Depends what you want.

That’s pretty much how we live but we are old.

it can possibly work short term but long term its a recipie for disaster especially if either one of you meets someone else

Actually I think you could do it. For a while. Meeting other partners would probably the catalyst to change it. So if you go into it know that it's probably a temporary measure.

For how long? 6 months, maybe, but not til smallest goes to uni!

I haven't done it but know someone who has.

They have a lovely home in an expensive area and didn't want to have to sell up to fund 2 inferior houses in a shitty area.

They run shifts with the kids, weekends on and off much as you have stated in your OP. I know the wife stays at her boyfriend's or parents on her "days off".

But their split was amicable. I don't think it would work otherwise.

We would have dialogue, communication and a relationship. We do now. It’s just not a romantic one. We are both committed to finding the best way through this. It wouldn’t be forever. Just a first step with no fixed view on what the next step is. I don’t feel much about the fact he cheated on me, I just don’t want to see it in front of me. On the weekend off we would be free to be elsewhere, with whoever. I agree a new partner would be a catalyst for moving on to whatever the second step is.

I think that would be distressing for the children as they might feel they couldn't go to the parent whose turn it wasn't.

But there's that thing some people do (can't remember what it's called) where they rent a studio flat between them and take turns moving in and out of the main house to be with the children.

I wouldn’t do this but if I got on with my ex and he was tidy, responsible etc. I think the idea of renting a tiny flat together and swapping in and out of it and the main residence is a good one if you can make it work. It’s good for the kids to stay in one home. However it would only work if you were very amicable and respectful of each other. My ex and I have a similar set up where he has bought a boat and is living in that. He comes to th house when I’m working (shifts) and leaves when I get home. It would be ideal if he wasn’t such a dick and cleaned up after himself. As it is I kind of hate it but it’s best for the kids in the short term. Long term it’s not ideal as I still have to put up with his shitty habits.

I'm kind of unintentionally in this position now, and it's working so well, that I wish we'd considered it as an option years ago.

We split up a year ago, a marriage that had run its course years before. Were busy selling house when covid struck. So, now still in same house. But, it's really good! There's no fancying each other from either party, both of us date other people all the time. That works because we have a live in babysitter. We're flat mates, we get on fine. The kids are happy, they know we've split up. But their lives haven't changed. We're house hunting, but tbh, I'm in no great rush.

A friend did this for 10 years.

And then his wife became pregnant and he new they had to move on.

It's all good until someone else is on the scene, then it's a fucking nightmare.
There's no telling what the third person could bring to the 'amicable arrangement' - it's a completely unknown minefield.
With the best of intentions, separate your spaces as soon as possible...
My experience of this was the ex (married nearly 20 years and separated for a matter of days at this stage) rolling home drunk as a skunk after shagging someone at a bar at 7am when our dc was getting up.
It was also delightful to hear his tinder notifications and messages from random women constantly going off... We lasted a few weeks living together 😂😂
Best thing ever to have my own space.

Pregnant with another man?!

Sounds great, until one of you meets somebody else. How would he/she feel coming back to a house your share with your ex? I'd run for miles

Well that just wouldn’t be an option. No one would be coming back here if he was here. I guess we’d be staying elsewhere. But as I say this is literally just step one, further steps will likely follow. I’m not really focussed on the prospect of someone else tbh. I’m mainly focused on finding a way to untangle our lives, parent together and move forward

With regards to the meeting someone else - it's fine. There's a surprisingly high number of people in this position, because finances/kids/logistics don't allow for two houses. So, you would either stay at theirs/in hotels/shag al fresco/whatever. I guess if it got to the serious relationship stage then it would take a few months to get there so you could move in those few months.

The other thing that's nice is the lack of pressure. For example, when exdh and I were still 'together' there was a pressure to try to make the marriage work. That's gone now. So, if I'm on Mumsnet when he comes home from work, I'll just stay on mumsnet if I want to. Before I would have reluctantly put Mumsnet down to dutifully ask how his day was etc. A little thing perhaps, but it's lots of these little things.

This is a really bad idea from an emotional perspective. How would you be able to move on in any real way, in this situation? People have mentioned about what would happen if one of you met someone but neither of you would meet anyone worth having in this situation. Just think of what a person looking for an affair says. "My marriage is dead" and "we live separate lives". This would actually be your reality and no-one with any self respect would touch it with a barge pole.

That's before you even consider the bigger issue of the kids. Do you expect them to just not come to you when they're with your ex? They would expect their world to stay the same which, if you're still living together is fair enough. I know it's hard but there must be another way.

I think this would work fine (sounds like many marriages that are over but they've not come to terms with it) until you both start seeing other people and then what?

I’m not really focussed on the prospect of someone else tbh. I’m mainly focused on finding a way to untangle our lives, parent together and move forward

This is where you're going to have an issue.
You might not be focussed on finding anyone else but what happens if next week he has found someone else? Even if she doesn't come back you will hear him on the phone, texting, getting dressed up to meet her. Would you be ok with that? I'm not sure I would be.

I’ve already had that to a point. I’ve heard him on the phone with his much younger, much less complicated work colleague with whom I know he has cheated on me with. It doesn’t invoke strong feelings. I’d rather not have it played out in front of me but it is what it is.

It’s fine till one of you wants to bring a date home after dating for ages.

The idea of having the main home as the place where the kids reside with the partner whose turn it is to care if them is good though. You’d just need to work out where each of you stays on your days off.

I’m in this situation at the moment OP (and have been for the past 18 months) and also know three other women who live with their exes and raise kids as coparents. So it’s not unusual.. in my situation neither my me ex nor I have met anyone else, and I realise it would probably be different if/when either of us does, but so far it’s working fine. Much less pressure than when we were a couple and we are generally friendly. I know some people think it’s very weird but so far it’s working ok.