Page 3 | Boyfriend went against my wishes

Enilybunpy · 2020-08-15T12:25:39+00:00

When I fell pregnant I told my boyfriend I didn’t want anyone to know until after the 12 week mark and he agreed. But I hear him speak to people and they sound like they know I’m pregnant (I.e obviously Emily won’t be able to drink) it’s been about 12 people. I feel so disrespected am I being unreasonable

YgritteSnow · 15/08/2020 15:06

@FizzyGreenWater

It's his news too

Yep, he could take that view. That would be fine.

Just as long as he doesn't then pull a sad face at his girlfriend deciding she's not going to tell him any other news relating to her pregnancy and personal medical details, because she doesn't want it to become public knowledge before she's ready/happy to share.

Pregnancy isn't 'joint news' like any other I'm afraid, like buying a house or deciding to get married. It's unique - it's certainly big joint news, but waaaaay more important than that is the fact that it's also someone's very personal physical situation.

A bloke who either doesn't get or wilfully misunderstands this, and whose default position isn't to be supportive, protective and be sure that his pregnant partner is ok with him sharing news on HER very personal situation is a twat, basically.

Agree.

Sunrise234 · 15/08/2020 15:11

I don't understand why people are saying it's his news too - it's mutual news.
But OP doesn't want to tell people yet due to risk of miscarriage or in case there's something wrong - not unreasonable at all.
He's unreasonable as he's gone against the mutual decision.

OP you need to ask him outright to find out - tell him if he's told people then you need to know so you can tell your family so they don't find out from anyone else.

MikeUniformMike · 15/08/2020 15:11

Re miscarriage, people always say things like 'It wasn't meant to be' and it isn't what you want to hear.

Miscarriage is so common and you don't really want to hear other people's experience - some can make it all about them.

I found it strange that some blurt out the news as soon as they know. It is quite private news for the first few weeks and pregnancy lasts ages. By 12 weeks, many will have guessed.

Sorry for all the doom and gloom.
I hope you bloom OP and have a bonnie healthy baby.

DappledThings · 15/08/2020 15:15

It is shared news and if he wants to tell people about his impending fatherhood that's totally up to him.

Sunrise234 · 15/08/2020 15:21

It is shared news and if he wants to tell people about his impending fatherhood that's totally up to him.

Why does his opinion trump the mothers?

This isn't about due date or gender.
It's about the chance of miscarriage or risk of something wrong so waiting for the scan is a normal thing to do for a lot of people.

MouthBreathingRage · 15/08/2020 15:22

@DappledThings

It is shared news and if he wants to tell people about his impending fatherhood that's totally up to him.

Oh god, were your one if these people that says 'it's his baby' when talking about pregnancy and birth? How disrespectful can you be to the woman who is going through one of the biggest physical and mental experiences of her life to bring their child into the world, not being able to keep the new to themselves for a few more weeks because its 'his impending fatherhood'.

BlueSlice · 15/08/2020 15:24

Have you actually asked him?

ddl1 · 15/08/2020 15:36

'Surely it's because 1 in 8 (or 4) pregnancies end in micarriage that we should let people know sooner. What if your pregnancy ends in miscarriage? Surely it's better that friends and family know this so they can support you? Keeping miscarriage so secret is not a good thing for society IMO.'

And what if you don't WANT intrusiveness from friends and relatives, especially fairly casual friends, at such a painful time? Suppose that you want to grieve in privacy, without dealing with other people's comments and 'support'?

The only reason why keeping miscarriage a secret might not be good for society is because it might contribute to a lack of awareness of miscarriage and how frequently it occurs. But why should a grieving person have to be the educator?

Thecobwebsarewinning · 15/08/2020 15:39

@whereverwhenevernone

I never get all this waiting until 12 weeks business

Do you really live in such a bubble that you don't understand why? Are you a cartoon character? Do you not live in the real world?

I don't get it either. I can see for work maybe but not for friends or family. I know two people who waited and then miscarried before the 12 weeks. It didn't make their loss any less that no one had known they were pregnant. If anything it made it harder that the first people know of their baby was that they had lost it. Happily they both went on to get pregnant and carry the children to term very soon and both told people much earlier on in those subsequent pregnancies.

OhCaptain · 15/08/2020 15:41

Ffs! Regardless of whether or not arseholes on here can understand waiting until after twelve weeks, OP’s partner agreed to wait and then told anyway.

That’s disrespectful.

Original poster

Enilybunpy · 15/08/2020 15:51

So when I’ve asked he’s skirted around the issue kind of said they guessed and lied about certain people knowing but it’s obvious he’s lying it’s just adding stress to things because now I feel I can’t trust him I’m also having a tough first trimester feeling sick tired etc and now I have doubts about him and how he listens/respects me but I’m also aware because of hormones that I could be over reacting and being overly sensitive

OP posts:

Original poster

Enilybunpy · 15/08/2020 15:52

Sorry guys I have had a name change on here but I am the original poster

[Message from MNHQ: we've sorted things so all of your posts are now showing under this username].

OP posts:

Original poster

Enilybunpy · 15/08/2020 15:52

And also Thankyou for all the input and support I appreciate you taking the time to try and help me

OP posts:

cdtaylornats · 15/08/2020 16:01

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DappledThings · 15/08/2020 16:36

Oh god, were your one if these people that says 'it's his baby' when talking about pregnancy and birth? How disrespectful can you be to the woman who is going through one of the biggest physical and mental experiences of her life to bring their child into the world, not being able to keep the new to themselves for a few more weeks because its 'his impending fatherhood'.

Eh? It is his baby. I don't understand what you mean by that. Did I use the erroneous phrase "we are pregnant"? No, because that's just inaccurate. But all three of my pregnancies were his babies such as mine and the one I miscarried was his loss as much as mine.

strawberrypip · 15/08/2020 16:47

Hi OP,

this exact scenario happened to me 2 years ago. I told my partner I did not want anyone knowing bar his mum and mine for support and because I knew he was excited and wanted to talk to someone about it. I was anxious as it was without the added pressure of multiple people knowing. I was bleeding randomly on and off which didnt help as I was well aware what the outcome of that could be.

he told people anyway, his entire football team, most of his friends, and all of his family. I was struggling with the bleeding, with my own state of mind at the time and it took me a while to get over the betrayal I felt of him telling that many people when he knew it was the last thing I wanted. it ended badly for me - in me going to a scan and being told our baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. I then had to tell people who i thought knew that news when all I wanted was to be on my own to process it. I also had to contend with people asking me how the pregnancy was going and how exciting it was because my partner hadnt got round to telling them what had happened. had he chose to share the sad news with his nearest and dearest AFTER the miscarriage so he had a support group and that was his chosen way of dealing with it then fine, the same way it was my choice to deal with it alone. but I felt very on show. I've shared my story because your boyfriend obviously hasnt taken that side into account the same as my boyfriend didn't. obviously I really hope everything goes perfect for you but the worst can sadly happen and you have a right to not want loads of people knowing your private business, especially if you made that clear to him already. it was one of the worst times of my life, a time he certainly did not make any easier.

goodwinter · 15/08/2020 16:55

@Smidge001

Surely it's because 1 in 8 (or 4) pregnancies end in micarriage that we should let people know sooner. What if your pregnancy ends in miscarriage? Surely it's better that friends and family know this so they can support you? Keeping miscarriage so secret is not a good thing for society IMO.

That would (should) be up to the individual woman to decide.

ivfdreaming · 15/08/2020 17:47

I never get all this waiting until 12 weeks business

Ah so speaks someone clearly in the obliviously fertile camp 🤔

I've had 5 miscarriages and 2 ectopics and I can tell you that the only thing worse than losing the baby itself is then having to tell people you've lost the baby and god forbid you forget who've you've told and then the poor unwitting person asks how's things going and then you have to have an awkward and upsetting conversation that your baby died ......I've always kept the pool of people who know very very small - emergency only really - like nearly dying twice from ruptured ectopics

ivfdreaming · 15/08/2020 17:49

Not his body, not his choice.
*
His sperm though unless it was the immaculate conception

FizzyGreenWater · 15/08/2020 18:37

It is shared news and if he wants to tell people about his impending fatherhood that's totally up to him.

It would make him a twat, as I said.

Yes - his baby too.

No - not his pregnancy too.

Not his place to tell anyone the pregnant woman doesn't want knowing.

Fair?

No. Biology isn't!

Her pregnancy. Up to her who she has with her, how she births, who she tells her personal medical details to.

Not his pregnancy. No stretch marks, potential birth trauma, fight back to physical fitness, nights of no sleep while feeding. That's alllll on her, whoopee! (what was that about sharing again-?!) Also - get this - he's also free to decide in Week 34 that he's changed his mind and walk out that very day if he so chooses.

No, biology isn't fair. When it comes to pregnancy, the least a decent man and impending father can do is respect the partner who has to go through it.