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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend went against my wishes

70 replies

Enilybunpy · 15/08/2020 13:25

When I fell pregnant I told my boyfriend I didn’t want anyone to know until after the 12 week mark and he agreed. But I hear him speak to people and they sound like they know I’m pregnant (I.e obviously Emily won’t be able to drink) it’s been about 12 people. I feel so disrespected am I being unreasonable

OP posts:
Original poster
Enilybunpy · 15/08/2020 14:31

Yes i.e little things like ‘she won’t be drinking’ etc

OP posts:
BobCat2020 · 15/08/2020 14:31

@justasking111 Personally I wouldn't be with someone that doesn't respect my wishes. I would never go against my DH's wishes, I hold him to the same standard.

justasking111 · 15/08/2020 14:32

@Devlesko

I'd be so mad and he'd be cut out of any info going on. You obviously can't trust him, and he clearly isn't on the same page. if you intend to stay with him you need to know he is with you, at least you aren't married.
So he is just the sperm donor then. OK
justasking111 · 15/08/2020 14:33

@Enilybunpy

Yes i.e little things like ‘she won’t be drinking’ etc
yeah that too is a giveaway.
justasking111 · 15/08/2020 14:33

[quote BobCat2020]@justasking111 Personally I wouldn't be with someone that doesn't respect my wishes. I would never go against my DH's wishes, I hold him to the same standard.[/quote]
Grin

Original poster
Enilybunpy · 15/08/2020 14:34

Thankyou that’s exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Enilybunpy · 15/08/2020 14:35

This is exactly how I feel. Thankyou

OP posts:
RiteAid · 15/08/2020 14:36

It’s his news too.

Not his body, not his choice.

OP - YANBU. He should absolutely be respecting your wishes on this. I would try to clarify with him exactly what he has said and to whom and then discuss why he is being so unreasonable.

lifesalongsong · 15/08/2020 14:37

How many weeks are you?

You seem to have namechanged which is going to make following the thread really difficult btw

BobCat2020 · 15/08/2020 14:37

@Choochoose Well, he obviously didn't think to talk to her about it before opening his mouth! There is no reasonable reason why he shared the news without OPs agreement.

BringMeTheVoiceOfAnthonyHead · 15/08/2020 14:37

@jessstan2, I never get all this waiting until 12 weeks business

Something like 1 in 8 pregnancies are miscarried in the first three months.

MouthBreathingRage · 15/08/2020 14:37

@jessstan2

He probably has dropped hints. It's an exciting time so don't be too hard on him. I never get all this waiting until 12 weeks business, I certainly couldn't have kept it to myself until then.

Congratulations.

I've had three miscarriages. If I'm ever lucky enough to get pregnant again, and luckier still to have one that sticks, I'll not be telling anyone until 12 weeks at a minimum, probably 20 weeks if I can get away with it.

The second time was the worst, I trusted one person with the information due to going to an event with them, by the end of the week EVERYONE knew. The only good thing about lockdown was not having to face them all when I did have the MC, as the awkwardness is the worst part. Unfortunately most of my female friendship group have fallen pregnant over the last few months and I was the only one to suffer a MC, none of them want to acknowledge it whilst concentrating on their own healthy pregnancy (which is understandable).

So I agree with the op. It might be exciting news for both of them, but if it sadly does go wrong it's her that has to put up with the looks of pity that come after. It's what, 2 months after getting a positive to wait for a scan? Really, is it that difficult to keep it to oneself that long? It doesn't diminish the excitement people have once you have announced.

WeAllHaveWings · 15/08/2020 14:39

If you are having a baby with him it's time you learned to communicate with each other.

Just ask him calmly, did he get over excited and tell someone, maybe let it slip, or someone guessed and asked outright and he couldn't lie effectively?

Either way it is not the end of the world he did it, the main point is he should have been able to tell you and you need to talk about why he didn't? Was he scared of disappointing you/letting you down with his that he slipped up, or your reaction? Did he only agree to your face to keep it a secret, but was so excited he wanted to tell people but couldn't say that to you? Is he just a lying twat? You know him better than us, but you need to be able to talk to each other.

RiteAid · 15/08/2020 14:41

Something like 1 in 8 pregnancies are miscarried in the first three months.

I think it’s actually thought to be as many as 1 in 4 now - because we can test much earlier, many people are aware of a pregnancy before a very early miscarriage, whereas in the past the pregnancy might not have been confirmed before the miscarriage occurred, meaning it would be more likely to be put down to a late period.

StrangeLookingParasite · 15/08/2020 14:44

@jessstan2

He probably has dropped hints. It's an exciting time so don't be too hard on him. I never get all this waiting until 12 weeks business, I certainly couldn't have kept it to myself until then.

Congratulations.

Seriously?

I tried to get my parents in law to keep it secret until after twelve weeks. They didn't so I had several extremely uncomfortable conversations with all kinds of randoms about no longer being pregnant.
They were spectacularly huffy about keeping it quiet the second time, 'oh no, wouldn't dare say anything'.

Winterwoollies · 15/08/2020 14:47

@StrangeLookingParasite stories like that make me so angry. How dare they? And how dare they be arseholes about it afterwards. I’m sorry.

ChicCroissant · 15/08/2020 14:47

The namechange is making this difficult to follow, OP.

If you usually go out in a group and you've been out and not had a drink a lot of people will have guessed. This is often the giveaway tbh.

I can understand not wanting to confirm it, but people do guess. Have you asked your partner if he's told anyone?

Smidge001 · 15/08/2020 14:48

Surely it's because 1 in 8 (or 4) pregnancies end in micarriage that we should let people know sooner. What if your pregnancy ends in miscarriage? Surely it's better that friends and family know this so they can support you? Keeping miscarriage so secret is not a good thing for society IMO.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2020 14:50

Talk to him.

1forAll74 · 15/08/2020 14:52

Some people blurt things out when they are excited about something special. despite saying they won't, then the news may travel to others. It happens,!

MouthBreathingRage · 15/08/2020 14:56

What if your pregnancy ends in miscarriage? Surely it's better that friends and family know this so they can support you?

That's a nice sentiment but in reality most people don't know what to do or say when someone has a MC. Many stick their foot in their mouth with 'oh it evidently wasn't healthy', or 'well you can always try again!', or the best one I had after my first 'well you're far too young for kids anyway' (I was 28). If you can trust someone to be kind and supportive if there's a bad outcome, fair enough. The more people you share with though, the more likely you are to have a crass or unthinking response if the worst happens.

Feedingthebirds1 · 15/08/2020 14:59

we should let people know sooner. What if your pregnancy ends in miscarriage? Surely it's better that friends and family know this so they can support you?

Close family and best friends can offer support if/when it happens. The world and his wife don't need to know at all until the parents (both of them) are happy to tell them. because IF there is a miscarriage, you get the situation a PP has mentioned - randoms asking how a now ended pregnancy is going. Because the blabbermouth partner doesn't bother telling those he told first time. And why should people who are basically strangers have to know those details anyway?

MrsGrindah · 15/08/2020 15:01

Just ask him if he’s told anybody. If he sats yes, just say that’s not what you agreed and that you are really upset about it. I agree he shouldn’t have gone back on the agreement , but maybe he just let his excitement get the better of him? Believe me you only need to read Mumsnet to know there’s plenty of worse things that many Dads to be do.

Chloemol · 15/08/2020 15:03

To all those that say it’s his new too, yes it is
But it’s the op that’s carrying the baby, and the op that has the massive issue if the baby is lost ( and yes I know he will be upset but he doesn’t have the hormones to contend with, or go through the actual process does he)

The point is he agreed to do something ( and I understand why she wished to say nothing to 12 weeks) and she trusted him not to say anything

But he has, no in my book that trust has now been broken, and she has every right to be upset

Deadringer · 15/08/2020 15:05

He agreed not to say anything so he is in the wrong. You are entitled to be annoyed op.