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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so sad for DS?

54 replies

BunnyTrouble · 15/08/2020 00:46

DS is 21, he lives at home and earns a good wage. He had a long term gf but she dumped him 2 years ago, they had been together since school.
Hes been seeing another girl for about 6 months.
I picked him up from the pub tonight and we were chatting, he had quite a lot to drink but sadly he always does at the weekend.
He just confessed to me that his gf had an abortion 3 weeks ago. He was in tears and says he regrets it. Apparently it was a joint decision but hes gutted.
Call in mothers intuition but I knew something was wrong, hes not been himself lately.
I'm now really worried about his state of mind. He attempted suicide last year and is on antidepressants.
I've told him I'm proud of him and I love him but hes not in a good place 😔

OP posts:

HelloDulling · 15/08/2020 08:22

What is he doing to improve his MH? Is he currently receiving and therapy?

A young couple got together just before lockdown, began having sex during lockdown and then found she was pregnant and decided to have a termination. Honestly, that sounds like very much the sensible choice for both of them, but if he’s struggling with that decision, and his wider MH, he needs support/help/medication.

Original poster

BunnyTrouble · 15/08/2020 08:39

Hi Hello he is on antidepressants and had therapy at the start of the year.
Hes been doing really well and was back to his old self, but now this has happened and hes taking a knock.

OP posts:

Livelovebehappy · 15/08/2020 09:08

I would agree with pp to just listen and not involve yourself too much, had it not been for the fact he is on anti depressants and tried to take his life previously. I think you need to be more pro active because of his history. Has he been receiving counselling for his depression? Maybe have a word with his Gp for advice on how to approach the situation. I think he definitely needs more hands on care and help. Suggest he has a bit of counselling just to put things into perspective- abortions are more common amongst very young people, and whilst heart breaking, people will generally bounce back from these things. But the problem being if your son has depression, he might not be able to pull himself back mentally and so needs a bit of help.

MintyMabel · 15/08/2020 10:44

Why is his wage relevant to the story?

Original poster

BunnyTrouble · 15/08/2020 11:10

@MintyMabel I dont know what his wage has anything to do with it, it obviously doesn't but I was just giving a background story and I was in a bit of a state.
You picking holes in facts doesn't help and I dont know why you bothered posting.

OP posts:

Original poster

BunnyTrouble · 15/08/2020 11:37

@Livelovebehappy (great user name)
He had counselling earlier in the year and has been doing so well he was talking of coming off the antidepressants.
I hope that he bounces back from this. It's all a shock for them right now as it's so raw and new.

OP posts:

Stitchhelp · 15/08/2020 12:17

Op the abortion was only 3 weeks ago

He attempted suicide a year ago.

His problems are very serious and the abortion is clearly only one small part of this.

This isn’t a question of saying the right thing. This is about getting in place professional support for your son, and quickly.

recklessruby · 15/08/2020 12:43

Of course he s allowed to grieve and be upset even when its the right decision.
Sometimes when you have depression anything can be a setback.
I m glad he talked to you (my ds also suffers from depression and bottles it up till he s had a few drinks).
Sadly our society doesnt seem to give men the right to express their feelings or even cry and it comes out as depression or anger and leaning on alcohol to help.
All you can do is listen.

MintyMabel · 15/08/2020 17:29

You picking holes in facts doesn't help and I dont know why you bothered posting.

Picking holes? Might have been relevant. But if you have no idea why you thought it was important enough to mention, obviously it isn’t.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/08/2020 17:39

He really, really should not have told you about his girlfriends private medical procedure when she has chosen not to tell anyone herself.

They are 6 months in, he has a drinking problem, is on antidepressants and has been suicidal, they have 100% made the right choice here, although I do understand why he is sad about it, it would have been a far more sad situation if they kept the pregnancy.

Is your son attending counselling? It sounds like that may be the best bet if he needs to talk.

thedaywewillremeber · 15/08/2020 17:42

I think all you do is be there for him. He might need counselling sessions to talk through his feeling.

AnotherEmma · 15/08/2020 17:51

I think he needs therapy/counselling, not (just) because of his feelings about the termination but mainly because he attempted suicide last year and he's clearly not made a full recovery - surely what is needed after a suicide attempt is a sustained effort to address the causes and build resilience. Combined with the previous suicide attempt, the current regular, excessive drinking is a concern.

If this was my DS I would be encouraging him to look at CALM (as suggested by a PP) and consider more therapy/counselling. I would be sympathetic about his feelings about the termination but I wouldn't dwell on that because it's about the bigger picture.

FWIW the termination was clearly a sensible choice, of course he is entitled to be sad about it but if his general mental health was stronger he might not be struggling so much with it.

rosiejaune · 15/08/2020 18:16

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

He really, really should not have told you about his girlfriends private medical procedure when she has chosen not to tell anyone herself.

Is your son attending counselling? It sounds like that may be the best bet if he needs to talk.

But his girlfriend's private medical procedure was to get rid of an unborn baby which was also his child. Why shouldn't he tell someone (and it's only his mother; he's not posting it on Facebook!) and seek support if he is upset by that?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 15/08/2020 18:24

But his girlfriend's private medical procedure was to get rid of an unborn baby which was also his child.

It wasn't a child

She has chosen to keep her private medical information to herself, he has no right to tell anyone about it without her consent.

He could talk privately to a professional, samaritans or another helpline if he needed to discuss it, but telling someone in real life, who knows her, without her permission isn't on.

Original poster

BunnyTrouble · 15/08/2020 18:38

For what it's worth I'm glad he told me. I guessed something was wrong and now I know I can support him if he needs me to.
As I said he had counselling at the beginning of the year, he liked the person so i will suggest he sees them again if he wants.
I know he drinks too much at the weekend and he knows how I feel.about it. During lockdown he didn't touch a drop and it did him the world of good. But what can I do? It has to be his decision to cut down or stop.

OP posts:

Cam2020 · 15/08/2020 18:59

Bloody hell, men are allowed to be sad about abortions too! Perhaps it's the situation he regrets?

OP, your son sounds as though he's really struggling. I don't know that there's anything you do except for keep listening and being supportive. The fact he told you (even after a few drinks) speaks volumes. Try and keep the dialogue open if you can.

famousforwrongreason · 16/08/2020 23:58

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

But his girlfriend's private medical procedure was to get rid of an unborn baby which was also his child.

It wasn't a child

She has chosen to keep her private medical information to herself, he has no right to tell anyone about it without her consent.

He could talk privately to a professional, samaritans or another helpline if he needed to discuss it, but telling someone in real life, who knows her, without her permission isn't on.

Of course he can tell his effing mum. What is the matter with you? We are trying to evolve into a society where we encourage people to talk about their troubles, there's been a particularly strong drive to encourage young men to talk as they have such high suicide rates. Yes it's her body, her business but it's the boy's loss too. He's not outing her on social media ffs. If he can't talk to his parents about it then it's a bloody poor show.

famousforwrongreason · 17/08/2020 00:07

@LoveBeingAMum555

I just wanted to say that aside from the abortion issue I have a 21 year old son who has had physical and mental health issues and I really feel for you. Its so hard as a parent to watch them struggle and know that there is very little that you can do.

My DS needs my support and love, and he knows that, but at the same time he feels that he is a man and should be independent so sometimes he pulls me in and sometimes he pushes me away. Its tough. DS has also told me things when he has had a few drinks then regretted it afterwards and felt angry about it.

This is a big deal for you too, take care of yourself in all this, you dont need all the negativity from this thread, you need support. I guess you are not going to be able to talk to anyone else about the abortion either which is not going to be easy.

DS is young and I am sure he will work this through with your support.
Good luck.

Good post. I had an horrific childhood and got into so many messes as a young person. I had nobody to support me and when things like this happened I dealt with them on my own and went even more off the rails including a lot of suicidal thoughts and planning as well as other dangerous things, I didn't care if I lived or died. The OP's son is very fortunate to gave a mum like this. I feel really sad about his gf if she is dealing with this on her own, if her bf is the only person who knows then he needs support on order to be there for her too My children's dad doesn't do emotions or sharing and was bullied throughout his childhood and never told a soul. It's had serious consequences for his adult relationships and he doesn't do any of the 'trick' conversations with our kids. I make a lot of effort to ensure that my kids feel safe and comfortable telling me anything if they need to.

aprilanne · 17/08/2020 01:11

Difficult pifcult lemon what are you on .it was a child dont know what the face was for
This young woman got rid of a baby her choice yes but still a baby let's not pretend otherwise .the young man is entitled to tell his mother it was his child as well .I mean she wasnt getting her bladder fixed that is a private medical procedure. But christ he is entitled to tell his mum

Emeraldshamrock · 17/08/2020 01:46

Looking on the bright side It is good he opened up to you, just be there for him don't grill him for information a hug is what he needs.

AllNaturalIngredients · 17/08/2020 02:24

There is a forum called PASS for people dealing with the aftermath of an abortion (men & women). Has a section on it with dos & donts of how to offer support, maybe worth a read?

You sound like a brilliant Mum & you’ll be able to support him/them through this ❤️

therhubarbbrothers · 17/08/2020 02:43

@MintyMabel

You picking holes in facts doesn't help and I dont know why you bothered posting.

Picking holes? Might have been relevant. But if you have no idea why you thought it was important enough to mention, obviously it isn’t.

I've no idea why you thought your unhelpful views were relevant yet her you are.

Op. You sound very caring and your ds sounds like he's sensible and supportive, I hope he's ok.

Original poster

BunnyTrouble · 17/08/2020 08:23

Thanks for your comments. I just want to be here for him if he needs to talk. I do feel sorry for his gf and would like to give her a big hug.
Who ever mentioned PASS thankyou I will have a look.
Hes definitely in a low mood but I know he hates it when keep asking if hes ok so I will try and step back.

OP posts:

mammmamia · 17/08/2020 09:39

OP you sound like you’re coming from the right place. I can’t believe there are people saying he should have told you. You’re 21, it was a joint decision, you’re allowed to be upset and talk to your mum about it for gods sake. Then we wonder why the male suicide rate is so high. They’re not allowed to talk to their mums?
That said it sounds like he needs professional help OP given his history.

Original poster

BunnyTrouble · 17/08/2020 11:22

Thanks @mammmamia I am glad he felt he could talk to me,even if it was after a few drinks!

OP posts:

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