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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel robbed of my last year with dd4 before school?

35 replies

Mummypig2020 · 14/08/2020 23:41

I have 3 Dc. The first two are 12 and 11 and when they were little I was extremely unwell with PND and struggling with the death of my mum so I struggled to bond the first few years. I was 19 and in an abusive relationship.

Fast forward, I’m now married and have a just turned 4 year old. Her birth, babyhood and upto now has been amazing and completely different. I breast fed, went to all the baby groups and really really loved the time. I feel so gutted I can’t do it again and I feel sad that I didn’t get to have these feelings with all 3. I feel abit robbed in that sense.

Anyway, I wanted to spend as much time doing things just the two of us before she started school (while the others were at school). But obviously Covid happened and that’s not been possible.

She starts school in 3 weeks and I’m not ready. I feel so emotional and sad that this lovely chapter is coming to an end. I feel robbed of the last few weeks/months of trying to feel ready to let go. It sounds ridiculous I know. I would do it all again if I could.

Uhhh I’m sorry for being pathetic.

OP posts:
Swearwolf · 14/08/2020 23:43

I totally get you. My gal is my youngest and I've missed the last part of the preschool years. I had no idea I was finished with toddler groups and daytime coffee stops. I thought I had more time!

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/08/2020 23:49

I don’t know how to vote - you have had time at home with her - I missed the baby bursts so became a childminder

ILoveFood87 · 15/08/2020 00:06

You do not have to send her you know.

dwiz8 · 15/08/2020 00:08

So you feel robbed of special time with your older children but then also resent the fact you have had extra time with them at home due to Covid because you've missed out on more alone time with your youngest?

Yabu

Susue999 · 15/08/2020 00:10

I totally understand all of those feelings. As someone has mentioned assuming you are in England children don’t need to be in school until the term after they have turned 5. For all of mine they did 4 day weeks until this time. I know some schools suggest half days. Mine suggested this and I was concerned about them missing out on the social aspect of lunchtimes. So I suggested what I thought was best and to be honest legally schools can’t really make too much fuss.

rosiejaune · 15/08/2020 01:55

YABU. Just send her to school when she's 5 instead.

user32723 · 15/08/2020 02:05

If she's only just turned 4 then you should seriously consider the increasingly popular option of having her start reception next September instead. Join the Flexible Admissions for Summer Borns on Facebook for info and advice. The guidance changed on it a few years ago, some schools seem to have missed the memo, and some are very supportive. My youngest turns 4 in Autumn and I'm very relieved she isn't a summer born like her older siblings who went to school too young. If she was summer born I'd absolutely be holding her back and continuing preschool year.

DDiva · 15/08/2020 12:08

These feelings are totally understandable. But it does sound like you've had some amazing times with your youngest. You've also had all this extra time at home as a family. It's a new fun and exciting chapter for your family I would try to focus on looking forward not back.

OverTheRainbow88 · 15/08/2020 12:13

Those saying start next September... it isn’t always that easy unfortunately. Both our 2’catchment primary schools don’t accept deferred children into reception- they would have to go straight into year 1.

Mintjulia · 15/08/2020 12:14

Once you get into it, you’ll find it just as absorbing. Her discoveries, her proudly bringing things home that she made in class, watching her grow in confidence and independence.

RiteAid · 15/08/2020 12:17

Aww, OP. I think these are very understandable feelings.

The anticipation is usually worse than the reality with stuff like this. Once she’s in school there will be so many new and exciting things to enjoy. Each stage will have its own good bits!

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 15/08/2020 12:42

Id be tempted to just go into yr 1 at the moment. Reception doesnt look as much fun as normal in covid times so the leap wouldnt be a big.

RandomTree · 15/08/2020 12:44

I get you OP. It's sad and emotional. Here's a hand hold Flowers

noses11 · 15/08/2020 12:46

I know someone who has a 4 year old and no other children and I think feels similarly to you about how Covid has affected this year of their life. I think I understand.

Adirondack · 15/08/2020 12:49

Yabu. You have THREE children, not one. The other two are just as important and just as much in need of parenting and fun times with you. You sound resentful towards them and quite dismissive. I wonder what their lives are like playing second fiddle to your cherished youngest child? If one of them is 11, it means they’re about to start secondary, a huge milestone for them, in many ways bigger and more emotional than starting reception. Yet you do not mention this at all. Where is your emotional support for your other children?

Chloemol · 15/08/2020 12:50

Instead of the pity party, think about all the positives

Pipandmum · 15/08/2020 12:54

Surely you have had enforced 24/7 time with her? And school is only half the year (185 days), so you have all those other days to do any activity you couldn't do during lockdown.

Lockdownseperation · 15/08/2020 12:57

I feel the opposite. Lockdown has given me more time with child who is the same age as yours. The only good thing about lockdown has been more time with my immediate family. I get the feeling that you don’t want to let them go and you will see less of them at school and this must be amplified as she is your youngest. My DD is so excited to see her friends again and home schooling at school’s pace is not great. If you wanted to home school for a year then you will need to keep up with schools expectations. What would you do if one your older ones then decided they wanted to be home schooled. 4 year olds need to play with their peers.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/08/2020 12:59

@Adirondack

Yabu. You have THREE children, not one. The other two are just as important and just as much in need of parenting and fun times with you. You sound resentful towards them and quite dismissive. I wonder what their lives are like playing second fiddle to your cherished youngest child? If one of them is 11, it means they’re about to start secondary, a huge milestone for them, in many ways bigger and more emotional than starting reception. Yet you do not mention this at all. Where is your emotional support for your other children?
This ^

I wonder how they feel knowing you wanted to just have the time alone with their half sibling. Children are very perceptive.

GisAFag · 15/08/2020 13:07

I feel your pain OP. I suffered depression when my DS was 5 until he was 13 DD born when DS 12. I cannot tell you the guilt i had for having been so ill during those 13 years. I drank like a fish, go into massive debt, took risks... No one can ever be as horrible to me as i am to myself about myself before DD born. But now i haven't drunk in 10 years, spend wisely, take care of my MH.I'm content with my life .. Im not the person i was. I don't spend time going over what i did. Its in the past..

Yarboosucks · 15/08/2020 13:13

I bet all those people who are mourning loved ones lost to the pandemic who read your post have now managed to get some perspective on their losses. At least they did not have their fantasy mummy time tarnished.

corythatwas · 15/08/2020 13:16

I know Covid has been tough but surely there are lots of together time you could have had despite the pandemic? When I look back to my children being pre-schoolers (and often too broke to do the big, expensive things), what I really remember is the little things: baking a cake together, putting some music on and dancing in the living room, walking to the pond to spot ducks, reading a book together. Little things, but so very, very valuable when you remember them. Do you have a garden- could you camp out there?

But also, as a pp said- what about your older dc? How about the magic times with them? Be creative, think about it.

Chaosatthezoo · 15/08/2020 13:33

I know what you mean. I enjoyed the one on one time before mine started school. They're at that age where they're really enjoyable. Past the toddler tantrums but you're still their whole world and they are great company. I have fond memories of taking mine to soft play and for hot chocolate and cake before they started school.

But look, we've all lost and missed out on things we wanted to do because how Covid. However trivial they might seem to other people they're important to us because it our lives.

You still have a few weeks, still time to fit in a special day with her, but don't forget your other dc have been through a lot.

We have to just dust ourselves off and carry on and try not to dwell on what we can't control.

Jeremyironsnothing · 15/08/2020 13:44

YANBU. Most of us have at least some things that we are very sad to have lost which can never be repeated. Corona is a bugger.

dottiedodah · 15/08/2020 13:45

OverTheRainbow88 Yes this is the situation I had with my DS.He would have gone into yr one and missed Reception completely! Also dont forget that they would always be the eldest in their class as well! Mummy2020 I think the thought of your little girl going off to School ,is always a bit of a wrench .However she will make new friends ,and you will be able to collect her, and maybe plan a trip to the park after School or perhaps make some little cakes together! Half term comes around quickly and the run up to Christmas is always fun as well! You wont be the only one feeling a little sad dont worry!