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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost my temper and was a bit rough with toddler.. Feel awful

35 replies

LeftMyOtherUsernameAtHome · 14/08/2020 23:04

Hey, name changed for this as I'm so ashamed Sad

So, DD is 18 months and in the midst of the dreaded sleep regression. Currently it takes an absolute age to get her to sleep. Tonight she was really fighting it, I'd been trying to get her to sleep since 7pm and it was 10pm at this point. She would whinge and rub her eyes like she was tired and start falling asleep, but when I tried to pick her up and put her into her cot she would instantly wake up and start wriggling and thrashing around like a crocodile and wanting to be put down, same for when I was trying to rock her.

After three hours of this I admit I was at the end of my tether. When I picked her up and she started wriggling and kicking her legs again I had a flash of temper. I pinned her legs to me so she couldn't move and almost squeezed her with my arms. Not really really hard but enough that I felt bad about it and as soon as I realised I was doing it I released my grip and asked my partner to take over so I could take a breather.

She's fine, she's asleep now and she was actually smiling as I handed her to my partner, so I didn't hurt her. But I still feel awful because for that split second I was really really cross! I've never hit her and never would, and I keep telling myself I've used greater force when trying to maneuver her into her car seat during a tantrum, but I feel like the worst mum in the world for getting so cross when she wasn't deliberately trying to annoy me.

Feeling like a really crap mum at the moment Sad

OP posts:
HoobleDooble · 14/08/2020 23:12

The fact that you feel bad about it tells me you're not a bad mum. You're just a tired, stressed human who is being pushed to her limits.

Tomorrow is a new day and all that. She's fine, she's safe and sound in her bed. Forgive yourself.

Original poster
LeftMyOtherUsernameAtHome · 14/08/2020 23:14

Thank you @HoobleDooble. My partner keeps telling me that, whilst it wasn't ideal, it's not the end of the world and she's fine, so I should forgive myself and move on. But I still feel so guilty!

OP posts:
user32723 · 14/08/2020 23:14

I think if anyone hasn't been there before they are lying, or haven't reached that point YET. You did the right thing, you were able to recognise you'd lost it and ask your partner to step in, so you didn't really lose it. I remember a similar phase with mine and one night I was so exhausted and at a loss I went downstairs with toddler DC, set up their pushchair in the living room, strapped them in thinking I could sleep on the sofa if necessary, and they actually fell asleep before I did and I then took them up to bed. This trick saved my sanity on several sleepless nights with all of mine.

Rabs6 · 14/08/2020 23:16

Give yourself a break!!
3 hours of fighting to get her to sleep would push anyone to the limit!! You didn't hurt her, you were just slightly rougher than normal. The important thing is as soon as you did it you recognised you'd lost control and asked for help. It's when you lose your temper and don't step away that there's an issue.
Me and my DH used to have a 30min rule at bedtime, we'd swap after half hour of trying to get them to sleep, or sooner if we were getting cross to avoid those situations.

Embracelife · 14/08/2020 23:18

I dont understand.
Is she in her cot then you pick her up to rock her?
Wants to be put down where?
Where is she at 7? Has she had bath story etc?
Where are you picking her up from?
When are you rocking her?
She doesnt seem to like it?

"start falling asleep, but when I tried to pick her up and put her into her cot she would instantly wake up and start wriggling and thrashing around like a crocodile and wanting to be put down, same for when I was trying to rock her."

TitianaTitsling · 14/08/2020 23:20

Absolutely agree with the above posters- it's so so hard and even more so at the moment. Anyone who pontificates or has a go at you can sod off! The 30 mun rule mentioned by Rab is such a good suggestion, and one going to use!

Yellowcar2 · 14/08/2020 23:20

I don't really understand either?

TheVamoosh · 14/08/2020 23:21

Are you sure you used force though? Sometimes it's hard to know, because they are thrashing around so much that they'd fall down and hurt themselves if you didn't sort of restrain them, if that makes sense?

Namechange6005 · 14/08/2020 23:24

Learn from it and move on. It's clearly not in your nature for this to be a normal reaction from you.
Your dc won't give it a second thought I'm sure.

Original poster
LeftMyOtherUsernameAtHome · 14/08/2020 23:25

@Embracelife she has bath/story routine ect at 7. Normally we then put her in her cot and she falls asleep but recently due to sleep regression she's been refusing to be put down. So I brought her into the living room and sat down with her on my lap and she would start falling asleep on me. I would then stand up to transfer her to her cot and it's then she would start wriggling and wanting me to put her down on the floor. So I would try and rock her to lull her back to sleep which wasn't working. When I put her down on the floor she would run around/play for a little bit, and then start rubbing her eyes and yawning, so I'd pick her up and rock her in an attempt to lull her back to sleep, and she would start wriggling again. Rinse and repeat for three hours.

Hope that made sense, I'm very tired Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
LeftMyOtherUsernameAtHome · 14/08/2020 23:27

I did try just putting her down in her cot without rocking and she would scream and cry until I picked her up again.

OP posts:
DanniArthur · 14/08/2020 23:27

Oh OP its understandable for you to feel exhausted and stressed. Every mother had moments like that and it sounds as though you realised you crossed the line in time and handed her to your DP to take over.
Don't keep beating yourself up about it but familiarise yourself with the signs you're about to loose your temper so you can cool down before it gets to that point. I start feeling pressure in my head before I get very angry at DD . I screamed at her on one occasion to "Get to your room NOW!!" And the poor thing got such a fright she fell trying to run away Blush Actually broke my heart. Since that happened I'm now aware of how my body reacts and if I feel the pressure in my head I step away for a moment and do breathing exercises to calm down. We are all human and make mistakes but learn from this so it doesnt happen again.

Original poster
LeftMyOtherUsernameAtHome · 14/08/2020 23:28

When I say 'wanting to be put down' I mean wanting to go on the floor and play. Reading it back I can see it's poorly worded. Again, tired Grin

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 14/08/2020 23:29

All been there. Ignore anyone that says otherwise. Don’t let the little buggers, I mean cherubs beat you! And don’t look at them whilst they’re asleep. They are so bloody cute and angelic! It’s nature conning you. Drop the guilt and treat yourself. Self care is the way to be the best mum you can.

Original poster
LeftMyOtherUsernameAtHome · 14/08/2020 23:30

Thank you all. It's reasurring others have felt the same way!

OP posts:
84claire84 · 14/08/2020 23:39

Please please don't beat yourself up about this. Just move on and don't dwell on it. We have all been there when we're tired and at the end of our tether and our patience is thin. Your fully aware you wasn't your usual self, you never harmed your LO.

There's no book on how to parent, we just have to try our best.

It's ok OP to be tired. It's hard bloody work. Start tomorrow afresh. If I was in your shoes and your LO is like it tomorrow put them in the cot and sit with them, soon as they think they've won (coming down stairs or in your bed) your on a losing battle. Sit with them and reassure, hand hold, talk, soothe and cuddle them but keep them in the cot. Hopefully they'll settle back to normal in no time. Xx

Notgoingonholiday · 14/08/2020 23:44

Absolutely don't dwell on what's happened. You said she was smiling so obviously not hurt, and you recognised you needed to step away. Definitely don't think bringing her downstairs is going to help the situation, letting her play etc, so many mixed messages when the aim is bedtime.

Original poster
LeftMyOtherUsernameAtHome · 14/08/2020 23:44

Thank you @84claire84, her sleep has gotten better recently. Up until a few days ago she was waking up 5/6 times a night and I was on my knees with exhaustion. Now she's gone back to sleeping through, it's just a massive PITA getting her to sleep!

OP posts:
Original poster
LeftMyOtherUsernameAtHome · 14/08/2020 23:48

@Notgoingonholiday thank you, yeah looking back that wasn't the best thing to do! We live in a flat so theres no downstairs, her bedroom is literally a few steps from the living room. Wasn't sure what else to do though as if I didn't put her down and let her play she would scream and tantrum, and if I put her in her cot she would scream too! But you live and learn! I'm a FTM, if you couldn't tell Grin

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 15/08/2020 00:01

The best tip I had at this tricky time was never to bring them out of their room. They see the sitting room as an "awake and playing" place.

Keep her in her bedroom so it's boring. Don't chat to her too much.

Embracelife · 15/08/2020 00:01

Maybe try putting her in cot at 8 pm . ?
Dont take her out
She might rage a bit but just say quiet bed time.

mswales · 15/08/2020 00:09

If you put her in her cot and she screams it may only last a few minutes. It feels awful but it’s better for her to be asleep after screaming for a short time than still awake three hours later when she’s exhausted. Sending hugs, that tiredness and despair is awful, we’ve all been there and you didn’t do anything bad at all. If you can bear to let her cry a bit then try that.

Chickychickydodah · 15/08/2020 00:18

Try the 20 min rule, put her down let her cry for 20 mins, go back Lie her down cover her up , leave again for 20 mins , repeat etc, taking a child back into the living room or other area does not work, your doing great, be strong 💐

rainbowlou · 15/08/2020 00:40

You have my every sympathy mine was horrendous at that age (and younger).
I found bath times actually seemed to wake him more when he was going through that stage and so bathed him in the mornings or afternoons.
Baby massage in a quiet, darkened room also helped loads.
I hope things get better for you soon Flowers

NameXForThis · 15/08/2020 00:45

Could you try sitting with her in her darkened room, with her in your lap - instead of taking her into the sitting room where (I assume) there will be light, noise and distractions? Make it as soothing as possible, then you will only have a short distance to transfer to the cot....

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