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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start the stranger danger conversation with a 5yo?

36 replies

Youtrustthefridge · 14/08/2020 22:03

Just that really. When did you do it and what did you say? Part of me doesn’t want to ruin her innocence but Is it necessary now?

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 14/08/2020 22:10

Yes. She’s at school presumably. I’d do it now. As for what to say... I’ll leave that to other posters with more experience.

thistimelastweek · 14/08/2020 22:11

It is necessary now and you start gent!y.
You start with ' only talk to strangers if mummy/ daddy /teacher is there.
Build on that in easy steps

RemyHadley · 14/08/2020 22:12

Definitely. We used the “tricky people” concept rather than stranger danger. I didn’t want him to be scared of all strangers, but I did want him to start knowing how to judge when somebody was being “tricky” or odd, and he should ask another adult for help.

So for example - all grown ups know that children have to stay with their parents or teachers. So anybody who tries to trick you into going off with them (eg to go get an ice cream or see a puppy or whatever) is a tricky person and you should not go with them.

CaptainMyCaptain · 14/08/2020 22:12

It's not only strangers, though. Tell her not to go with anyone unless you or her dad know about it.

RemyHadley · 14/08/2020 22:14

The important advantage of “tricky people” is that actually it may not be a stranger - the fact that a child knows somebody doesn’t automatically make them safe. So children need to start identifying “tricky people” or “tricky situations” and ask a safe adult for help.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/08/2020 22:16

Them you, the tricky adult thing is amazing. DS talks to EVERYONE esp since lockdown, is VERY trusting and affectionate and quite frankly the only reassurance is that's he's on O2 attached to me so can't get fast. Bit we def need to start these tasks and I like tricky adults

BertieBotts · 14/08/2020 22:17

Most abductions/abuse are perpetrated by somebody the child knows. Actual stranger opportunistic attacks are extremely rare. So stranger danger isn't especially helpful. At that age I was always with DS1 so my rule was that he had to stay where he could see me, and if he wanted to go anywhere else, to come and tell me first. That worked well - he knew that even if it was his best friend or an adult he trusted that wanted to take him somewhere, he only had to come and tell me (and most of the time, I didn't stop him)

This is quite good - the concept of "tricky people" rather than "stranger danger". www.totstoteens.co.nz/safety/teach-kids-tricky-people/

sunrainwind · 14/08/2020 22:19

We use the book 'My Tricky Eye Spy' having read their other book 'my underpants rule'.

I'd recommend this book to start the conversation.

dwiz8 · 14/08/2020 22:22

Yabu to wait this long tbh

At 5 your child should definitely know about the dangers people pose. Whether that's the pants rule, stranger danger or anything else

I do agree with pp that it's also important to teach them it's not just strangers who pose a danger: the vast majority of abuse and or harm that comes to children are committed by people they or you know.

piscean10 · 14/08/2020 22:27

Really. You should have started this a year or two ago. My ds is 4yo and we have been speaking to him from 3yo.

SimonJT · 14/08/2020 22:36

@sunrainwind

We use the book 'My Tricky Eye Spy' having read their other book 'my underpants rule'.

I'd recommend this book to start the conversation.

I have used this with my son, it made for an easy starting point for us.
peajotter · 14/08/2020 22:40

There’s also a campaign called “clever never goes” aimed at this age.
The key message is that you should never go somewhere without telling your responsible adult, even if it’s a friend’s parent or neighbour asking you.

clevernevergoes.org/

ScorpioSphinxInACalicoDress · 14/08/2020 22:42

The fact that most child abuse comes from within the family is the reason why safeguarding experts now recommend NOT talking about "stranger danger" because it so rarely is a stranger.
You teach bodily autonomy, how to say no etc.

IsaLain · 14/08/2020 22:44

Google the myth of stranger danger.

Dont teach him stranger danger. Teach tricky people. They need to learn that the same rules apply to strangers and people they know when in a tricky situation.

TakeMe2Insanity · 14/08/2020 22:54

4 and half (2 weeks ago) when he decided he didn’t want to hold my mums hand while I was in a shop at motorway services. He really had no concept that people could want a lone child. Sadly we’ve had to do it.

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 14/08/2020 23:02

I did not do stranger danger for two reasons DD is already painfully shy and she's more likely to be at risk from someone she knows/is comfortable with than a strangers.

As soon as she could understand we talked about staying with mummy and daddy, not wondering off, always be within sight, always ask about going further/with another child/whatever.

Then we moved to the pants rule, when it might be necessary,when it's ok (had an accident, doctor visit etc) and we used names of kids or friends or relatives before we even got to strangers.

Then we talked about someone else trying to pick her up from school ,even if it's someone she knows, without her or the teacher knowing about it. I always told if not sure,just refuse to go and have them ring me. I reinforce this by always letting her know in the morning if someone else is picking her up.

Then We had a few chats about what to do in an emergency, where to ask help if local etc.

Focusing on strangers is not necessarily wrong, but it can leave children ill equipped to deal with things if it's a friend,a classmate, another trusted adult etc.

Daftodil · 14/08/2020 23:25

There's a YouTube "social experiment" thing in which a man lures children off from a playground with a puppy. He talks to the parent first and discusses whether their children know not to walk off with strangers and gets permission before testing whether they do or not (spoiler - they ALL know they shouldn't, yet they ALL do walk off with the stranger).

I agree with pp that you should also discuss not going off with known adults without asking permission first, but this might be a good clip to watch with your DC as a way to start the conversation.

Here it is: m.youtube.com/watch?v=gGIDHrYKJ2s

There's also a book called "Watch Out! Around Town" by Claire Llewellyn which covers not wandering off, not playing in dangerous places and who to ask for help if you do get separated from a parent. It is a very short, child friendly book, nice pictures, good examples, etc that could also help you approach this topic with your DC.

www.amazon.co.uk/Watch-Out-Around-Town-Books/dp/0764133268?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

ComeOnBabyPopMyBubble · 14/08/2020 23:38

We had that happen when DD was younger. Owner of the cafe(I knew him, we ate there quite a few times and he did catch my eye to kinda ask permission) right near the place she was playing tried to give her a sweet. She ran off to me and started crying. Not necessarily because of my parenting, as I said she's painfully shy.

bashcrashfall · 14/08/2020 23:54

I've never had that conversation with either child. We have discussed not walking off, both know who is allowed to collect them from school and about trusted adults eg who might turn up and take them home with no warning in an emergency. We also talk about not getting lost and who to approach if they were lost, they know what their address is and eldest one knows relatives addresses.

I don't think stranger danger is a helpful concept.

TempestHayes · 14/08/2020 23:56

I didn't do a 'stranger danger' chat because strangers aren't the danger.

You can certainly talk about appropriate behaviour and boundaries and so on, but accept that far greater risk comes from the people in the child's life - coaches, tutors, adults in authority, that weird 'family friend' who only pops up in the newspaper on his way to serve a life sentence.

Later, when they are actually at risk of approach by 'a stranger' and won't have an adult with them - so the age when they're playing at the park with friends or walking to places alone - then mention that yes, don't get into cars with strangers and so on. They'll probably be old enough to be told that's murderers, that is. Oh, and the sweets and puppies never materialise. I like the tip about drilling into them that an adult will never need help from a child.

But the chances of a 5 year old meeting 'a stranger' are minimal. They will meet a series of adults they'll be told to be friends with, though or forced to hug/kiss, so don't do that.

Bearfrills · 14/08/2020 23:56

Definitrly don't teach stranger danger, tricky people is far more useful and the lesson that they don't go off with anyone - even friends parents - unless they've checked with you or their dad first. We have also taught our DC that if someone tells them "don't tell your mam or dad" then the very first thing they should do is to tell us.

There's a YouTube "social experiment" thing in which a man lures children off from a playground with a puppy. He talks to the parent first and discusses whether their children know not to walk off with strangers and gets permission before testing whether they do or not (spoiler - they ALL know they shouldn't, yet they ALL do walk off with the stranger).

Around a year ago when youngest DS was 5yo, he was playing in the park opposite my parents house. I wasn't in the park as I was helping DM with something but I could see him from the front garden where we were busy. I wanted him to come back so was going to go over and get him but a relative who was with us but who DS had not met at that point (not in close contact and had arrived at the house after DS went over to the park) was about to drive past that way to the shop and said he would grab DS for me on his way and then drop him back off at the house. I said okay but that I doubted DS would get in the car so I was probably going to have to go across the field and get him anyway. Well DS did get in the car despite not actually knowing the man driving it, I watched him do it, and imagine my horror when I found out afterwards that all it took to convince him was the line "I know your mum, she sent me to collect you".

JemimaShore · 15/08/2020 00:08

OMG that child abduction social experiment is shocking is't it?! I have no doubt my kids would've gone off with a stranger like that - thank god they're older now and I don't have to worry about that!

Or so I thought - this video followed it up

Yikes. Parenting is so difficult! I'm going to make sure my DD watches that video.

june2007 · 15/08/2020 00:21

Def not to early on the never talk to strangers conversation. Don,t need to make it deep. Just never except sweets, lifts talk to people yu don,t know with out guardian and talk about what to do if your lost/scared.

CaptainMyCaptain · 15/08/2020 08:12

There's a YouTube "social experiment" thing in which a man lures children off from a playground with a puppy. He talks to the parent first and discusses whether their children know not to walk off with strangers and gets permission before testing whether they do or not (spoiler - they ALL know they shouldn't, yet they ALL do walk off with the stranger).
The Police did this at my school years ago (I was a teacher not a pupil) and a few children did agree to go off to see the puppy. They did it immediately after 'the talk' in school.

Shesapunkpunk · 15/08/2020 08:15

@Youtrustthefridge

Just that really. When did you do it and what did you say? Part of me doesn’t want to ruin her innocence but Is it necessary now?
How does it ruin her innocence?