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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Revised Wedding

36 replies

TonyWarren · 14/08/2020 19:24

I am a bloke pushing 50. I need a woman's perspective.
I have been with my wife for nearly a quarter of a century. I am very happy she is best thing that ever happened to me.

She is not high maintenance whatsoever e.g.no comment when I meet a female friend for lunch or when I go away for a weekend twice a year. So when she does say something it makes me doubt myself.

My sister is getting married for the second time. Initially we were of course all invited but now plans have had to be altered and now only I am invited. My wife doesn't want me to go. She thinks it is disrespectful especially as our cousin's wife is some kind of best woman but they are best mates.

When I met my wife my sister was getting married for the first time and felt that our mother swung from being overbearing or absent. Our mother was raising our youngest step sister but my sister didn't even want our decent stepfather at the wedding feeling it highlighted our late father's absence. I didn't ask if my now wife could come and this led to our first serious talk about my commitment.
As years went on my wife also objected to me taking our mother out for lunch with my sister and when I had days off in the middle of the week she said if I took our children for a walk with my sister and nephews our children ended up thinking we had two separate families.
My wife thinks we should see extended family together.
My wife as I have said is completely sound but does not want me to go to my own sister's small wedding. She is as always completely measured in her arguments. She isn't threatening or anything.
How do people feel?

OP posts:

Pittapitta · 14/08/2020 19:27

It’s clearly a sore subject for your wife as she probably felt she should have been invited to the first wedding and now it’s happening again. However, I don’t think YABU to go to your sisters wedding but your sister is BU to no invite her, She’s been in your family for 25 years!

Original poster

TonyWarren · 14/08/2020 19:30

My sister (and her intended) obviously have closer people to invite. I imagine it's around 13 people each.

OP posts:

Pittapitta · 14/08/2020 19:37

I think it’s unfair and if your wife is a reasonable person you should support her.

Kittywampus · 14/08/2020 19:38

Are the spouses of the other guests invited?

Do your sister and wife get on?

catmg · 14/08/2020 19:40

Is your sister limited on numbers due to covid? That might change people's views.

I would think regardless though that you and your wife come as a unit. It's both or neither. I feel for your wife and can see how she is hurt by this.

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2020 19:44

It feels like two separate issues here:

Not being invited to your sister’s wedding is pretty odd and reading between the lines I think you see your sister’s choices oddly (not inviting stepfather to 1st wedding is a dick move and you know that. YANBU to go but your sister IBU not inviting your wife.

The stipulation you see family together is odd and your wife IBU regarding this. HOWEVER it is probably to do with your sister’s behaviour (which I’m inferring from your OP) being less than warm towards her.

newnamewhosthis · 14/08/2020 19:46

If there is only around 13 people going, could then not stretch that to 14 for somebody who has been a part of the family for 25 years !

I think she has every right to be pissed off / hurt. I know I would be provided there is no massive backstory of arguments and fallings out

Merryoldgoat · 14/08/2020 19:47

@TonyWarren

My sister (and her intended) obviously have closer people to invite. I imagine it's around 13 people each.

If a guest list has to be so limited that close family including spouses need to be excluded then the arrangements need to be altered, E.g. parents, children and one attendant each or something.

It lacks real class to exclude spouses from formal occasions like this.

RoseTintedAtuin · 14/08/2020 20:43

It sounds like she doesn’t feel she is part of the family and is hoping that you will step up for her. Could you chat to your sister and offer to pay for the additional seat if that is the problem? If it is something deeper then I think you need to show your wife you’re in her corner and follow through if needed (hopefully won’t be).
It’s great that you are listening to her needs though as that is often a problem which grows.

Leeds2 · 14/08/2020 20:59

If your sister's 13 guests include you, your mum and dad, any other siblings and grandparents that is very nearly a full quota. I don't actually think it is unreasonable of your sister to invite two or three of her closest friends to make up numbers. I understand that your DW is upset at being left out - I think I would be too - but I think she is being unreasonable to try and stop you from going.

SnackSizeRaisin · 14/08/2020 21:00

Presumably it's limited to 30 due to covid so they can't just invite her as an extra. I think she is bu not to let you go. She would have been invited otherwise.
Her relationship with your sister and mother sounds complicated do maybe that's why she has reacted like this.

MindyStClaire · 14/08/2020 21:55

Presumably the numbers are limited due to covid in which case the couple will have to make some very tough calls and inviting siblings but not their partners doesn't seem unreasonable. If they've just chosen not to invite your wife that's different and completely out of line.

However, I suspect that your sister has treated your wife badly for years.

Kitmerow · 14/08/2020 21:59

In any other circumstances I would agree with your wife, but I’m assuming the low numbers are due to Covid restrictions which really can’t be helped.

You should go to your sisters wedding and your wife should not make you feel bad for doing so.

dontlikebeards · 14/08/2020 22:48

I completely agree with @Kitmerow

Thehop · 14/08/2020 22:51

Agree with @Kitmerow

katy1213 · 14/08/2020 23:24

If numbers are strictly limited, then I don't blame your sister for wanting only those that are close to her - and your wife clearly isn't. If she's invited, then maybe a good friend had to be un--invited.
Anyway, why does she even want to go to a semi-stranger's wedding? Weddings are boring! She doesn't really want to - she only wants to be asked for form's sake.
Go and enjoy yourself! Sounds like your wife has sulked for 25 years over not being invited to the first wedding when you weren't even married. And why was she stopping you going for walks with your children and their cousins? Despite what you say, she sounds very high maintenance to me.

Original poster

TonyWarren · 15/08/2020 11:43

Thank you for replying. Going alone to my sister's wedding seems very weird to me but the last few weeks have been weird for everyone because of covid.

My wife is a lovely woman and so is my sister ( and my mother) and someone suggested that their relationship was complicated and my sister had been less than warm to her. I don't think this is the case but I think the crux of it is that my wife had ideas about what a family is like and mine doesn't match.
My sister has her own life and is more reserved than my wife and my mother completely threw herself into supporting my step sister with her career after her mother died.

My mother would prefer if my sister postponed the wedding rather than go ahead with revised plans. The revised numbers suit my sister more.

My cousin met his wife through my sister and they are going but my step-siblings are uninvited. I don't know about anyone else and don't feel that I can ask my sister to remove someone else to accommodate my wife.

I do want to go but don't know what to do. My mother has said that even if restrictions are lifted in next two weeks my sister's plans won't change because she likes the plans for the revised reception.I am going to have to have a serious chat with my wife later.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 15/08/2020 11:50

In general its rude to only invite one half of a couple to a wedding but with covid restrictions it's more understandable.

Nottherealslimshady · 15/08/2020 11:51

I can see where both of them are coming from. I wouldn't do what your sister has done. But I also think I'd let DH go on his own but I'd be upset about it. Why dont you arrange for step sister and wife to do something nice together that day?

Is it just the ceremony or is there a full night do too?

irregularegular · 15/08/2020 11:55

I think with covid restrictions it is reasonable to exclude even a SIL. 30 at a wedding is really not very many. I would be nice if your sister was willing to speak to your wife herself and explain. Would she be willing to do that?

I think you should go. It would be very divisive of the family otherwise.

Original poster

TonyWarren · 15/08/2020 12:48

I have three step-sisters none of whom are close to my wife. If I try to offer her a substitute however I feel that I would be infantilising her and contribute to a sense of being excluded rather than unfortunate circumstances.

Since lockdown was rumoured talk of the wedding dominated the family. My sister told me she was keeping the date and was resentful of people telling her that a postponement wouldn't matter as they had been together so long.

At this point I didn't know details. My family then received the same printed note telling them the wedding plans had changed but I received a revised invitation.
My daughter had a handwritten caveat on hers saying that if anyone declined she would be able to come. Crucially my wife ( and son ) don't know this.

The only additions invited to the reception are the friends whose venue is being used.

I think it is all because of covid but it has obviously triggered stuff.

OP posts:

BendingSpoons · 15/08/2020 12:56

My sister got married a few weeks ago. I went with my daughter. My husband and son didn't come but joined for the reception after. My sister did discuss it and there was a reason. (Son is one so likely to need taking out so didn't want to waste the spaces.) I think it's hard right now for people getting married and they have to prioritise their closest. It's illegal to have extras, not just paying a bit more. I think your wife is letting wider feelings cloud the issue.

Bibijayne · 15/08/2020 13:03

You are a couple. It is offensive to not invite your wife. If space is so tight, then neither of you should go.

OverTheRainbow88 · 15/08/2020 13:15

I’m pretty chilled and sound similar to your wife In those regards ... I would not be impressed with this scenario. Really shitty thing to do on your sister’s behalf.

Original poster

TonyWarren · 15/08/2020 14:06

@15OverTheRainbow88 Do you still feel like this through the prism of
Covid? I am trying genuinely not to be a dick. Even taking Covid out of the equation had either of my wife's brothers had wanted a small wedding i wouldn't have missed a heartbeat. Obviously if any of our siblings were having a large wedding that would be something else.
Would you genuinely ask her not to invite someone in order to accommodate my wife and then surely at least my youngest step-sister would take precedent over my wife not to mention my daughter. I am at a loss.

OP posts:

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