Revised Wedding

[TonyWarren]

I am a bloke pushing 50. I need a woman's perspective.
I have been with my wife for nearly a quarter of a century. I am very happy she is best thing that ever happened to me.

She is not high maintenance whatsoever e.g.no comment when I meet a female friend for lunch or when I go away for a weekend twice a year. So when she does say something it makes me doubt myself.

My sister is getting married for the second time. Initially we were of course all invited but now plans have had to be altered and now only I am invited. My wife doesn't want me to go. She thinks it is disrespectful especially as our cousin's wife is some kind of best woman but they are best mates.

When I met my wife my sister was getting married for the first time and felt that our mother swung from being overbearing or absent. Our mother was raising our youngest step sister but my sister didn't even want our decent stepfather at the wedding feeling it highlighted our late father's absence. I didn't ask if my now wife could come and this led to our first serious talk about my commitment.
As years went on my wife also objected to me taking our mother out for lunch with my sister and when I had days off in the middle of the week she said if I took our children for a walk with my sister and nephews our children ended up thinking we had two separate families.
My wife thinks we should see extended family together.
My wife as I have said is completely sound but does not want me to go to my own sister's small wedding. She is as always completely measured in her arguments. She isn't threatening or anything.
How do people feel?

Yes I do feel the same... and this is coming From someone who encouraged my OH to go out and celebrate his 40th with his friends without me as we literally couldn’t get anyone to look after our children that eve.

Is your daughter both your and your wife’s daughter? If so I would say your wife goes and daughter doesn’t! Unless she’s your wife’s step daughter... that could cause friction!

Weddings don’t just happen on one day and then that’s over. Your wife will be sat there forever hearing the plans... looking at the photos after Pretending to not feel bad/bored, every family event will chat about the wedding for ages!

Like Overtherainbow said the extra bit about your DD being invited but not your DW should anyone drop out says it all. I'd have your DW's back and make an excuse.

I feel like some posters are really missing the point, that they will only be legally allowed about 26 guests (once bride and groom, registrar and photographer included). These are not normal circumstances. The OP's sister will have only had room for a handful of family members, and a couple of close friends. What would you have her do?

I have spoken to my wife who understands that I have to go to my sister's wedding. We were all invited to her medium wedding before the Covid crisis and just had to stress that it is the crisis that has caused this change.

She feels (like many of my extended family and my sister's friends) that it should have been postponed but that can only be my sister's call.

@23OverTheRainbow88 I think I am close to my sister but how would you have gone about asking her to remove a friend to accommodate your spouse?

My daughter is my wife's daughter as well. My daughter is only invited if someone else becomes ill or drops out. I genuinely understand someone being upset but it wouldn't be up to me to swap her for my wife. I think it's perfectly logical to want your niece over your sister-in-law.

Both my sister and I got married in our late twenties and people spoke about nothing else but I don't think that my sister's second wedding at 53 with just a handful of guests will engender that much conversation and I don't think my wife will be exposed to it. It is sad but it is a result of a global pandemic.

What the revised wedding list has brought into focus is where someone is in relation to someone in someone's affection not that they don't like her but they like others more. It is sad.
Thank you to everyone who responded.

It's tough, as if I was in your wife's position, I wouldn't be happy. On the other hand it's only because of COVID and the restricted numbers. On that basis I would attend a sibling's wedding and I'd expect my partner to be ok with it.

However, I have a sibling's wedding coming up and my DP isn't invited at all and never was. He doesn't mind but I'm pissed off. We are a fairly new relationship (less than 2 years) but we are serious and do live together although this is more recent. I see his lack of invite as a snub as I know other unmarried guests have +1s (and it's nothing to do with dislike or anything). I have said I'll attend part of it but I'm not staying for the evening, and said why. I don't think it went down well but tough tbh. When people want to ignore good ettiquette, they don't get to complain when guests are unhappy about it.

Your wife is being silly. Also why can't you go for walks without her that's so controlling.

OK I was sort of agreeing with you going without wife due to Covid until I read this.

My daughter had a handwritten caveat on hers saying that if anyone declined she would be able to come. Crucially my wife ( and son ) don't know this.

Its the second wedding where your wife has not been invited, and now if someone drops out you will be going with your daughter. Does "crucially" mean you are not allowed to tell your wife or your son that this is the case? How will she feel when this is announced. It is crystal clear she's not seen as family, but your daughter and not your son is?
It is the brides decision who to invite of course, but its your decision to accept this condition and if it were me I'd be quite upset about that.

Your sister's apologies due to covid ring extremely hollow now She has deliberately excluded your wife in favour of your daughter.

If it were me I'd be ringing your sister up and saying I hope if a place does become free that my wife of 25 years can take it, rather than my daughter.

If your sister is persisting on getting married during the restrictions then of course it will be limited but it sounds like she's using it as an excuse.

I do think your viewpoint that your daughter attends in preference to your wife is odd though. If the numbers are so tight and it's no big deal then I actually think none of you should go. Family matters or it doesn't and families are units which go together.

I think that the people expressing opinions on whether the wedding should be suppose should be enlightened to the fact that IT ISN'T THEIR WEDDING. Of course your sister and her partner choose whether or not they go ahead with ceremony.

I would possibly be a bit miffed at not being invited to a family wedding on DHs side, covid or not, but I wouldn't really care, and think the "we come as a unit" stuff is frankly a bit barmy. I'm an individual person with an individual relationship with his family.

With covid it's a no-brainer. One of my best friends went ahead with her small wedding and park picnic without me - I was going to be a bridesmaid!