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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My PART-TIME HUBBY

40 replies

RealLioness · 14/08/2020 14:35

Just want some other opinion on my situation as I am over being frustrated.
AIBU to want my hubby back????
So brief summary is ..... Hub and I got married 6 years back but been together much longer. We decided to relocate to kenya where we both originally from but hubby was raised, it seemed like a great idea we had big plans..... hubby moved and myself and our dd were suppose to relocate the following month. I found out I was pregnant and was forced to stay back in the UK, hub went ahead with the relocation plans and was even scotted and offered a job as a broadcaster which was great and he also started his own business which meant financial we would be more stable. A year and half after our DS was born we finally were all together again as a family.
While I tried my hardest to fit into a new society I felt very alone, all my family were back in the UK, hub was very understanding, I returned back to the uk about 4 times in the 3.5 years of being abroad. On our last return 3 years ago, I decided to remain in the UK with the children for a while, as the kids were gettting bigger, we couldn't keep moving them around they needed stability. Education wise the UK was much better, and I wanted them to have a better bond with my family. Hub was understanding and supportive of the decision.
Hub being a broadcaster was never a path he choose but he seems to be a natural at it and we decided to go with the flow and see where it takes him.
After being back for a year and a half, Kids and I miss him so much, although we speak via whatsapp video call everyday. I explained my feelings and thoughts with hub, he claimed to miss us just as much but he didn't want to return back as he has invested so much money in his own business and time in the broadcasting. As it was my decision to stay on in the UK, I didn't want to put pressure on him to return. I left the decison to him as i didn't want him to be miserable. The thing is it been 3 years since the kids and I have been back, and hub doesnt seem to have any plans of returning anytime soon. He visits at least twice a year, and was due to visit in April but due to corona he hasn't been able to return since december 2019. I spoke to hub yesterday and explained to him he really needs to come back, I told him we could build in the uk together and that he is missing out on the children growing up, he said i was emotionally blackmailing him.
Hubby and I seemed to always be on the same page but I think that has changed, it almost feels like he is happy being a part-time hubby/father. I am at my wits end and sometimes think we are better just seperating as I feel like I am a single parent. AIBU to want hub to come back?

OP posts:

FlamedToACrisp · 14/08/2020 14:54

I feel YABU because you agreed to relocate to Kenya. But you didn't, did you? You never really 'bought into' the idea of living there and kept coming back every few months. Then you changed your mind and returned to the UK, and now you won't go back.

I think you and the kids should go back to your DH and try again, but with the attitude that this is where your family lives now, not this is where you all have to put up with staying until you can return to your proper home.

If you can't, or won't, do that, it seems your marriage could be at risk.

JoJoSM2 · 14/08/2020 14:54

YANBU to want him back.

But it does sound like you want to live in different countries. The same thing happened to a friend and they got divorced as they couldn’t find a way out of the situation as neither wanted to leave their preferred coutry.

PotteringAlong · 14/08/2020 14:58

You need to make a decision. Be together, pick a country and own the decision or split up.

You agreed to relocate to Kenya, but didn’t. You cannot really get the hump about it now.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/08/2020 15:02

YANBU to miss him but YABU to want him come here. You both agreed to relocate there, he built something there and you decided you don't want to be there. I am sure he misses you and the kids, but unfortunately you are the one who created this situation so you need to just finally decide what to do.

I agree with pp. You just both seem to want to live in different countries and that's that. Sadly that's usually that for a marriage

MyOwnSummer · 14/08/2020 15:03

There's no point raking over the past, just review the facts as they stand.

He doesn't want to give up the life he has in Kenya right now.
You want to stay in the UK, and think that education etc will be better for your DCs if you stay here.

Seems pretty obvious to me what the outcome needs to be - the marriage doesn't look like it has much of a future, if I'm honest. You both deserve a chance to be happy.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/08/2020 15:04

I have to ask... Are you sure schools are better here? With all this flying back and forth, couldn't you afford a private there?

Broomfondle · 14/08/2020 15:05

I think you forced this when you chose the UK for yourself and your children's schooling despite your husband's ties in Kenya.
It seems you are more moveable than he is.
It sounds like you either stay in the UK and carry on as you are, stay in the UK and split up or you move to Kenya to be a family with your husband.

ErinBrockovich · 14/08/2020 15:06

YABU to refer to him as ‘Hubby’ or worse still ‘Hub’.

HTH.

updownroundandround · 14/08/2020 15:07

It sounds like you have unilaterally decided that you want to live near your family and have your kids educated here. Your DH has been supportive and accommodating.

Since you rely on HIS job to make ends meet, I can't see how him moving would help as he'll be unemployed and you won't be financially stable any more. I can't see how he could be a broadcaster and run his own business from another country.

(also can't see why you were 'forced' to stay here when pregnant , or why your kids cannot get an education in Kenya )

I understand that you'd like him to move and the whole family be together, but at what cost ?

You had agreed to move to Kenya, then YOU changed your mind. DH cracked on and built a life there to support you all as a family. Now you're telling him 'I changed my mind, leave your dream job and own business and start from scratch here'.........

I think you're being massively unfair to DH.

Hothammock · 14/08/2020 15:08

You took the children and left him.

Jellybeansincognito · 14/08/2020 15:09

If you truly loved someone, and your family. You’d do everything possible to be with them.

He just isn’t invested is he?

gutentag1 · 14/08/2020 15:10

Hubby is such a cringey term.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/08/2020 15:11

@Jellybeansincognito

If you truly loved someone, and your family. You’d do everything possible to be with them.

He just isn’t invested is he?

Well same could apply to OP. Unlike her though, he built a company there after the move was agreed.

Pootles34 · 14/08/2020 15:11

It sounds like you're saying he's making the decision to stay away - but you're also making the decision to stay in the UK. Fair enough, but don't say it's all his choice, because you're choosing to stay away from him too.

Original poster

RealLioness · 14/08/2020 15:11

I am grateful for the honesty of this group.....although it hurts to read I am happy for other view points.
I do want to add if it changes the advise given that we had agreed that because I hadn't been raised there, if it was to difficult to settle there we would consider coming back.

The education system is great in Kenya, but we honestly can't afford the best private school for the children. The children were attending a school run by a family member so we were given a massive discount.

OP posts:

Twigletfairy · 14/08/2020 15:11

@Jellybeansincognito could you not say the same about the op?

Ginger1982 · 14/08/2020 15:12

It doesn't sound like you really gave Kenya a chance though. You stayed to have your baby then you kept flitting back and forth and then just decided not to go back.

Jellybeansincognito · 14/08/2020 15:16

@Twigletfairy she’s putting her children first. Which i think is great.

Pearsapiece · 14/08/2020 15:22

You seem more concerned about your children's relationship with your family than with their own father. I think you've been a bit unfair and he has made himself a life while you were toing and frowing with your arrangements.
You can't expect him to give it all up and move back here just because you fancied it when you both agreed to move there in the first place.

JoJoSM2 · 14/08/2020 15:25

It’s perfectly understandable that you decided that Kenya isn’t for you now that you’ve been many times.

Equally, I can see that your husband has a privileged lifestyle and social circle over in Kenya given his career and family running private schools etc.

If you want to move forward, you need to work out if either you can make your life in Kenya more appealing or he feels that there could be a way for him to be happy in the U.K.

Original poster

RealLioness · 14/08/2020 15:25

@updownroundandround

(also can't see why you were 'forced' to stay here when pregnant confused, or why your kids cannot get an education in Kenya hmm)

Please note i summarised the whole situation .......I tried working in the school my kids were in while I was out there. Although thhe whole system was so different but I did it. i have always worked since i was 15 so I dont depend on anyone 100%

I decided to stay back while i was pregnant because i have difficult pregnancys and have miscarried in 3 trimester before so this was under doctors advise .
I am a self employed mum and hardly ask or get a financial help from hubby as although yes he is running his own business there the currency exchange is tooo high - don't put extra pressure on him.

i hope this makes sense a bit

OP posts:

Iggypoppie · 14/08/2020 15:27

Sounds like a difficult predicament. One note of caution is that if you move there and split you could be trapped because the children would be deemed resident there.

Alexandernevermind · 14/08/2020 15:28

I get you completely. You both agreed to move abroad for a new adventure - more of a move back home for him and away from home for you. As the man he was able to spread his wings career wise whilst you were stuck home, away from friends and family, isolated, overseas, with two small children. I think the only way forward as a family is some sort of compromise where you agree to "follow him" until the children are ready for high school, then come back home to settle, or go your separate ways as a couple.

Alexandernevermind · 14/08/2020 15:29

How are your assets split by the way, are they all in Kenya?

Original poster

RealLioness · 14/08/2020 15:30

@Alexandernevermind you hit the nail head

OP posts:

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