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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family dynamics help please

28 replies

Anon42245 · 14/08/2020 08:54

Family member let’s call her SUE doesn’t get along with family member ALICE. Now whenever Alice wants to visit I feel stressed out as sue will find out and make me feel guilty and question about the visit etc. I sometimes feel I need to let Sue know Alice is visiting in advance, I don’t know why I should but I feel on edge in case she calls during visit. Alice doesn’t care when Sue visits and doesn’t ask. But sue will ask when last time Alice visited. I don’t drive so they usually come to me but on occasion I have visited Alice in train as she’s closer and direct journey Sue gets annoyed that it would just be one change of train then 3/4 stops to her so I could visit both same day. It’s too stressful now with 3 kids so I just have them visit me. Any advice pls?

OP posts:
Illegitiminoncarborundum · 14/08/2020 08:56

You need to be stronger and just speak you mind

And IMO 'sue' is a crap friend who you need to get rid of

BubblyBarbara · 14/08/2020 08:56

I think you need to make more of an effort with Sue. Her behaviour would probably improve if she felt more of a part of things. I don’t see the harm in keeping her more in the loop and letting her know when Alice is visiting as it will make her feel better and it seems a polite thing to do.

TheAquaticDuchess · 14/08/2020 08:57

Shut Sue down every time. Just be upfront - ‘I know you don’t like Alice, but I do, and I don’t have to account to you when I see her’. If she wants you to visit on the same day just say ‘that doesn’t work for us, how about X instead?’.

TheAquaticDuchess · 14/08/2020 08:58

I don’t see the harm in keeping her more in the loop and letting her know when Alice is visiting as it will make her feel better and it seems a polite thing to do.

How / why is it polite? If I was Alice I wouldn’t be thrilled that every visit was reported in advance to someone who hated me.

HUCKMUCK · 14/08/2020 08:59

@TheAquaticDuchess

Shut Sue down every time. Just be upfront - ‘I know you don’t like Alice, but I do, and I don’t have to account to you when I see her’. If she wants you to visit on the same day just say ‘that doesn’t work for us, how about X instead?’.
Absolutely this. It's none of her business when you or how often you see someone you want to see. The more you tell her, the more she will react - don't give her the chance.
Purplewithred · 14/08/2020 09:02

Sue does not get to dictate who you see or when you see them. She is well out of order. It sounds as if Alice is much nicer than Sue. How does Sue react - how does she show her disapproval? Can you plan a non-confrontational way of shutting this down?

Finkelbraun · 14/08/2020 09:03

Sue is the problem.

It's none of her business when/how/why you see Alice.

Sue is weirdly possessive of you and should be told to keep her beak out or dropped .

Original poster
Anon42245 · 14/08/2020 09:04

They’re both family members so hard to lose contact and honestly individually they’re both fine I just find trying to juggle them together hard. I think the issue is in my head I shouldn’t let Sue make me feel guilty for seeing Alice. I see Alice much less than Sue. So I don’t think it’s Sue feeling left out, I think issue is Sue gets jealous that Alice is closer to me.

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 14/08/2020 09:05

Agree with pp, shut down Sue straight away. It has nothing to do with her who visits you or who you visit. Tell her that her constant going about it makes you not want to see her

EnjoyingTheSilence · 14/08/2020 09:06

Doesn’t matter that they’re family members. Sue is being unreasonable and you can tell her this. If she doesn’t like it, tough

Original poster
Anon42245 · 14/08/2020 09:06

how does she show her disapproval?

Just questions the visit and what was said etc. Then goes quiet when she finds out they visited.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 14/08/2020 09:06

Sue is a bad friend. Refuse to talk to her about Alice at all. If she flounces out of your life as a result that might be a good thing.

TorkTorkBam · 14/08/2020 09:07

Why do you go along with Sue's bonkers behaviour?

Nottherealslimshady · 14/08/2020 09:08

You need to put some boundaries up with Sue, she clearly thinks she can influence how often you see Alice. You need to make it clear she doesn't get to dictate your relationship with Alice. Just tell her its none of her business every time she asks.

Illegitiminoncarborundum · 14/08/2020 09:53

It doesn't matter that Sue is family.

You shouldn't put up with people being rude and demanding just because they're family members

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 14/08/2020 09:57

Remind Sue you are an adult and don't need your relationships policed..

Ohtherewearethen · 14/08/2020 10:03

@BubblyBarbara - why on earth would it be polite to tell Sue when Alice is visiting? Do you expect your friends and family members to do that for you so you don't feel left out?
It's absolutely none of Sue's business who OP sees and when or where. She is controlling and tiresome and this will only result in Sue being cut off, not Alice.
OP, I think you just need to be frank with Sue. She keeps picking at the scab, wanting to know the details then going quiet as though she has the right to be annoyed or upset by Alice's very presence. If she asks next time just say, Why do you care so much what Alice does? Why are you so interested in her life when I know you can't stand her? Sue needs telling to mind her own business quite frankly.

Sh05 · 14/08/2020 10:06

Just don't tell sue about the visit. If she asks be very vague in your answers.
She doesn't own you nor can she police who you see and how often.
When she does go quiet, bite the bullet and just tell her how her behaviour makes you feel.

LoveSummerNotIcecream · 14/08/2020 10:33

Are Sue and Alice your mother and mother in law? Either way, see who you want, when you want and anyone who complains should be told to F off. Stop pandering to the bad behaviour.

billy1966 · 14/08/2020 10:46

Shut Sue down.

She is bullying you by her behaviour.

Absolutely NONE of her business.

You need to be very firm here.

I would tell Sue you will see less of her if she continues to interfere in your other relationships.

Unfortunately OP by entertaining Sue, she now feels entitled to sulk.🙄

You need to clarify with her, that her behaviour is NOT acceptable.

Flowers
RoseTintedAtuin · 14/08/2020 10:51

Increase contact with Alice and if it comes to it tell Sue you see her more but it makes you uncomfortable how she gives you third degree about Alice. Ask to be left out of it and see them both as often as you wish.

Original poster
Anon42245 · 14/08/2020 11:19

Thank you all I’m reading all your comments over and over to get different perspectives. I’m so sorry but I can’t answer some questions as don’t want to be identified! I get so much anxiety posting about stuff incase people realise it’s me. Thank you and please keep comments coming I am reading every one. Thank you so much and sorry for being vague I just get so anxious about giving too many details

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 14/08/2020 11:33

That anxiety is telling. The fear is a problem.

The art of not giving a fuck is a wonderful thing. Learn that at you will be liberated!

Tackle your fear of fear over and above anything else I would say.

Btw, there are threads regularly about this kind of situation. Seems to mostly involve aunts and mothers. I seriously doubt you would out yourself.

Although your terror at Sue knowing how you really feel and that you reached out for help is the real problem not Sue her bonkers self.

HaudMaDug · 14/08/2020 11:52

Stop letting Sue bully you and stop gossiping about Alice to Sue. If Sue asks tell her to mind her own bloody business seeing as she has no interest other than being nosey and jealous of Alice anyway.

Not fair on Alice to be talking about her behind her back whether you think you are saying nice things or not, Sue's intentions with the information are not good.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 14/08/2020 11:52

You just have to decide not to feel guilt when Alice visits. Why should you feel guilty?

When Sue asks about Alice's visits or what was said, just tell her she is making you feel uncomfortable and not to ask again.
However, try not to hide or change your conversation if something about Alice naturally comes up.

Just try to not change your normal behaviour over this.