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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Morning Routines

29 replies

Ahardknocklife · 14/08/2020 08:32

hi all, a rather stressful start to the morning.

Short and sweet back ground. Every morning I'm up, empty dishwasher, feed dog, water plants, make breakfast and coffee's, generally Potter and clean from night before and put a wash on. DP gets up showers, checks his laptop, eats breakfast, gets himself a glass of water and starts work. We both work from home and have done prior to the virus. So... with a leak under the sink this morning splitting the veneer on our new kitchen cupboards. I ask DP to please get up earlier and help me in the morning. This has turned into a steaming argument.

So... AIBU to ask for him to get up 15 minutes earlier and help out in the morning?

Or YABU = just get on with it and DP should be entitled to the routine he wants in the morning.

OP posts:
acquiescence · 14/08/2020 08:55

Did you want help as a one off with the leak? YANBU if this is the case.

Or do you mean in general? Your general jobs don’t sound too time consuming. What is there to clean from the night before? You could finish tidying and cleaning before you go to bed (with his help if wanted?), put the washing in the machine and set ready to go?

Do you make his breakfast too or are you referring to DCs? I think if you have children fair enough asking for some help getting their breakfast sorted- if not just sort yourselves out.

Hotandknackered · 14/08/2020 09:08

The tasks aren't too time consuming. However if you do this every morning and he basically just gets himself up that's not really fair. However some people don't like to do loads before work. So could you balance it out with him doing those jobs or similar another time? It sounds like you're a bit resentful perhaps? Is this because overall you feel he's not doing his fair share?

TorgosPizza · 14/08/2020 09:11

I suppose his argument was that the damage was done and there was nothing his getting up 15 minutes early could have changed? Or was it a bigger leak, where every second mattered?

If the former, I see his point. In your place, I would want his help or input asap, but I understand not wanting a ride awakening and being rushed out of bed if it wouldn't make any practical difference...

If it was a gushing leak, he was being very unreasonable.

TorgosPizza · 14/08/2020 09:16

Reading the op be again... If you've argued about your general habits, if there are no children to care for, I don't think you can dictate when someone gets up. You can split chores without insisting someone wake up earlier.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/08/2020 09:23

Yanbu to want his help. Yabu to expect it must happen specifically first thing in the morning when you wake up. However, it's not ok if he basically is treating these household jobs as unimportant and expects to fall out of bed with only enough time for his breakfast & shower before he needs to work.

I get it OP. You are more of a morning person, so instinctively get up and get on with the jobs. Your DH is not. It's the same in my house and I've realised the only fair answer is to expect him to help at the time he is comfortable getting up. This has meant that since he is not willing to get up any earlier, he has to do his share the night before.

You often do have to force things a bit where he has got used to you doing these things. Stop making him coffee & breakfast and explain that that was never reciprocated so you wont be doing it any more.

Be reasonable. It's ok for example if you do breakfasts but he does lunches.

BelleSausage · 14/08/2020 09:27

This is basically my life too. Don’t let it continue or you’ll be doing it all forever. And don’t ask him, tell him. The night before ‘DH you need to do the dishwasher tomorrow morning and feed the cat. I have a lot on’.

JazzaGal · 14/08/2020 09:29

Follow the same morning routine as your dh.

It sounds like there may be disparity in the division of housework that needs to be sorted out.

A steaming row must mean there are underlying issues.

Do you have DC?;

Original poster
Ahardknocklife · 14/08/2020 09:52

Hi, its help in general.

I agree. It's not a huge list of chores.
But that shouldn't stop him from helping. For context I suffer from regular sciatica.

It would just be nice to receive help in general, I predominantly go to bed before DP. Therefore I cannot clean up before bed and often come down to find beer cans or snack wrappers on the sides in the kitchen or on the coffee table

I suppose I'm just fed up with being the person doing most of the house work, we work the same hours, he sees altering rhe garden as his task and cutting the lawn. Watering the front garden consists of Dap disappearing for an hour out the front to chat to the neighbours whilst I'm cooking dinner and cleaning.

I make his breakfast, this morning was bacon and eggs. Keto diet!

OP posts:
honeylulu · 14/08/2020 10:01

Well stop with the making of his breakfast then. No wonder he's resistant to change, he's got you doing things just the way he likes it.

Leave his clothes out of the wash you put on. Don't clear up his night time detritus- if you can't bear to leave it pile it all in one corner for him to deal with and let it build up.

He will hopefully then come to you with his objections and you can make clear what the deal is for you to resume doing anything for him. Until then - he just looks after himself so you can do likewise.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 14/08/2020 10:02

Stop making his bloody breakfast then.
Leave his beer cans and wrappers out and tell him you are not his mummy and to put them in the bin himself.

He has no respect for you and thinks the shit work is your job as you have a vagina.

Is your sink metal? Is it still leaking?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 14/08/2020 10:07

Seriously why the fuck are you clearing up his beer cans & making his breakfast? 1950 called, it wants you back.

You leave it. If he doesnt clear up after himself or pay a cleaner to do so, he's not a keeper.

Redlocks28 · 14/08/2020 10:11

I make his breakfast, this morning was bacon and eggs. Keto diet!

Why?! Your whole post is moaning that you do loads more than him round the house, then you post saying you’ve made him a cooked breakfast?!

CheshireChat · 14/08/2020 10:16

I'm useless in the morning so I do things at night.

I'd have a discuss with him and agree on a rota where housework is genuinely 50%- if he sticks to it- great! And if not ditch him as it'll only get worse.

Feetupteashot · 14/08/2020 10:20

Doesn't sound very fair.

But depends a bit on who wanted the dog and plants! Houseplants my responsibility as oh wouldn't bother

Chloemol · 14/08/2020 10:21

Stop tidying up after him, leave everything where it is and when he appears ask him to tidy it. Stop making him breakfast, he can do that hi self

List all the jobs you both do now, add a timing to them, then split them between you

Original poster
Ahardknocklife · 14/08/2020 10:29

@Chloemol great suggestion. I shall try that!

@Feetupteashot we both wanted the dog. Houseplants are his choice.

I cannot stand mess or clutter. I would love to resolve it and for him to help rather then start living separate lives under the same room and not helping each other.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 14/08/2020 10:29

Tell him he needs to clear up after himself. It's up to him whether he clears his crap before he goes to bed or gets up a few minutes earlier to do it in the morning.

Shoxfordian · 14/08/2020 10:33

Live separate lives under separate roofs and you'll have a nice clean home to come down to in the mornings

Angelina82 · 14/08/2020 11:01

Your list of things you do in the morning is nothing really, but you should definitely cut it further by not cooking breakfast for a man who doesn’t even clear his own shit up after himself. Why the hell women put up with this crap and then come whining on here is beyond me. You are his wife not his fucking servant!

RedskyAtnight · 14/08/2020 11:11

If you go to bed earlier than DH maybe you can suggest he waters the plants and empties the dishwasher before he goes to bed? Then fewer tasks for you in the morning and he doesn't have to get up earlier.

user1493413286 · 14/08/2020 11:17

Agree with him what his jobs are and let him do it when it suits him as long as it’s done by the time it needs to be done; I always tidy up before bed whereas DH prefers to do it in the morning; we wouldn’t tell each other when to do it as long as it’s done by the time it needs to be. I wouldn’t be cooking his breakfast if you’re doing all the other jobs; if you eat the same thing then he can cook it for you both

Original poster
Ahardknocklife · 14/08/2020 11:46

If he struggles to put a beer or coke can in the bin at night I'm certain emptying the dishwasher is not going to happen. I'll attempt to ask!

I casually asked yesterday when the boxes in the hall would be removed. These were taken from his office last week and are now forming a roundabout at the bottom of the stairs. His response.... yeah I know I need to move them.

I get this is his house as well and he shouldn't have to do chores to suit my time, but I also shouldn't have to live in a mess.

The list of chores in the morning are minimal. I know I'm lucky to only have a handful of things in comparisons to others but a handful is still more than dragging my arse out of bed, spending time getting myself ready etc like he does.

Sorry sent previous by accident. Fat thumbs

OP posts:
Drivingdownthe101 · 14/08/2020 11:51

What relevance does the leak have to him getting up early in the mornings? I’m slightly confused.
I think asking someone to get up earlier to help with chores is... odd. And a wee bit controlling. But in general YANBU to ask him to clean up after himself.

Original poster
Ahardknocklife · 14/08/2020 11:55

I guess the leak just added to the morning things. Emptying cupboards, cleaning floor, drying items. If he was already up then he could have helped.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/08/2020 11:57

Forget a cooked breakfast. More mess. He needs to tidy up his mess before he goes to bed.