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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop paying my DS rent?

39 replies

lilybetsy · 13/08/2020 15:43

My eldest DS is 21. He is not living at home (for the last 12 months) due to refusing to stop smoking cannabis in my house and getting into physical fights with his younger brother DS2 (18). he has 3 GCSE, and since he was 16 I have supported him to go back to college to do resits, (he failed them all due to lack of application); helped him get and apprenticeship (he resigned after 4 months); funded him to go travelling and do voluntary work in Asia for a year - and then through a seperate course at College . All the last were when he was living at home. he left home last Summer - said he wanted to do another college course. I went with him to find a flat, and offered to pay his rent whilst he was at College so he could work part time. He lost hos job during Covid and has dropped out of college. I found out he has been dealing Cannabis. hes now looking for work. Is it unreasonable to say I will no longer pay his rent ? And before anyone says it I wont have him home. There is too much history of dishonesty and I will not have drugs in my house (there are more reasons for this than moral ones)

OP posts:
EsmereldaMargaretNoteSpelling · 13/08/2020 15:53

Good lord, I'd have stopped after he resigned from the apprenticeship - I sure as hell wouldn't have funded a trip to Asia! He's taking you for a absolute ride and you're enabling his illegal drug activities. Cut him loose immediately and permanently.

Cbatothinkofausername · 13/08/2020 15:53

This must be really difficult for you OP. You say you won’t have him back, but if he falls into arrears (which seems very likely) will you actually turn him away if he shows up after being on the streets?

If you couldn’t see him street homeless then paying his rent helps keep your home safe for the rest of the family, which seems a small price to pay.

HollowTalk · 13/08/2020 15:55

You funded a trip to Asia! Were you just glad of the peace while he was away? And did you think he wouldn't take any drugs while he was over there?

I think some tough love is what's needed now.

Original poster
lilybetsy · 13/08/2020 15:57

I feel very guilty about him. I know I shouldn't really, that he is a grown man who has had many many chances, but he lived from 11-16 with my ex partner who was not kind to him for the last 2 years and I should have got out sooner . He will not be street homeless, his father lives close but is resisting having him ( for convenience really) his father was a cannabis addict, why we divorced. hes had shit male rle models so I have tried always to do my best for him. Its not working though... I can see that. I cannot have him home for my own MH and that of my two younger sons

OP posts:
Brahumbug · 13/08/2020 15:57

Yes, you should most definitely stop paying his rent. He is 21 not 16! He is an adult who, up until now as not had to face up to his responsibilities as you have picked up the pieces. Time for a dose of reality.

ilovesooty · 13/08/2020 16:01

He can claim universal credit and stand on his own two feet.

Leaannb · 13/08/2020 16:08

You shouldn't have been paying his rent or funding trips to begin with.

Sparklesocks · 13/08/2020 16:27

I would stop. Even aside from the drug stuff, the agreement was that you'd cover his rent while he studied - but he no longer is and dropped out, so he hasn't kept up his end of the deal. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences and his parents won't always cover the bill regardless of what he does.

Leeds2 · 13/08/2020 16:45

I would certainly stop paying the rent. But I would make sure I gave him notice, say a month, so that he has a chance to find the next month's rent himself, or look for somewhere else. You aren't doing him any favours by continuing to fund him.

Angelina82 · 13/08/2020 16:47

So he acts like a complete shit at home and is rewarded with a free flat for it??My God no wonder he plays up! Stop paying his rent, he can get a job or claim benefits like the adult that he is Hmm

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2020 16:48

By paying his rent you are only enabling his grossly irresponsible behaviour. This madness needs to stop, and I would not be giving him a 30 day notice. The free ride ends now.

TheRosariojewels · 13/08/2020 16:48

I don’t think you should be paying his rent. Are you a guarantor for him OP?

Purpleartichoke · 13/08/2020 16:49

I will pay my dd’s rent as long as she is in full-time education on good academic standing. I would have cut off your son financially long ago.

Emmelina · 13/08/2020 16:51

It’s time to cut him off. Get him to apply for universal credit to pay his bills.
Actually, are there any youth hostel type places nearby? He would live in shared accommodation and the adults running it are supposed to help young people be better with money, apply for work, budgeting, help him with any substance abuse etc. Worth looking into.

Viviennemary · 13/08/2020 16:54

It's a difficult one. If you cut off his funding he might get into worse trouble. But on the other hand you can't carry on funding him for ever. Covid is a difficult time for a lot of people. Can't he go back to college.

WitsEnding · 13/08/2020 16:55

I don’t think you should be paying his rent, it’s not in his best interests for you to be enabling his behaviour. As pp said, it would be reasonable to give him a month’s notice, and don’t act as guarantor!

Don’t feel guilty, you have done your best. By all means support him emotionally, but not financially. He needs to recognise that he’s an adult and get some confidence and self-reliance...it won’t be easy but that’s the road he needs.

monkeymonkey2010 · 13/08/2020 16:56

I'm a 'cannabis addict'......and i've been working since i was 15/16 and living independently since age 19 - and i'm 40 yrs old now.

helped him get and apprenticeship (he resigned after 4 months); funded him to go travelling and do voluntary work in Asia for a year
Cannabis isn't the problem.....his lack of work ethic and constantly being financially bailed out by his mum is the issue.....he's never been taught to stand on his own feet and by the sounds of it he's been mollycoddled all his life.

titchy · 13/08/2020 16:58

@monkeymonkey2010

I'm a 'cannabis addict'......and i've been working since i was 15/16 and living independently since age 19 - and i'm 40 yrs old now.

helped him get and apprenticeship (he resigned after 4 months); funded him to go travelling and do voluntary work in Asia for a year
Cannabis isn't the problem.....his lack of work ethic and constantly being financially bailed out by his mum is the issue.....he's never been taught to stand on his own feet and by the sounds of it he's been mollycoddled all his life.

This
AryaStarkWolf · 13/08/2020 16:59

He'll never learn how to be independent and to sort his life out if you keep funding him and bailing him out OP

HeronLanyon · 13/08/2020 17:01

YANBU. I personally would give him 2 months notice with a definite last payment date. He’s been so supported by you he will need to sort himself out/find somewhere else etc. 1 month feels short. Don’t however waver in those two months.
Good luck.

AskingforaBaskin · 13/08/2020 17:01

I would absolutely cut him off.
And don't spoon feed him help either.
He's 21.
He needs to learn his lesson.
It doesn't take a genius to work out bills need to get paid. And it's his responsibility to enact that.
So any problems that arise are not your doing. Any trouble he finds himself in is not your responsibility to fix.

MinniesAndMickeysNeedCounting · 13/08/2020 17:04

Is it ds flat and you pay the rent for him or is the flat in your name?

Original poster
lilybetsy · 13/08/2020 17:16

the flat is in his name and a flatmate, the flatmate moved out without telling the landlord and has just buggered off. he cannot pay the rent. yes I am a guarantor for his half only. I have told the lettings agent I'm intending to end the tenancy asap, he has been told to apply for UC and I am not giving him any money. I do agree I have molly coddled him, Its guilt driven and I know its not helping.

OP posts:
WitchesGlove · 13/08/2020 17:25

Depends, what is your financial situation?

Could you easily afford it or not?

I disagree that cannabis is not a problem, it can make people lose motivation and change personality.

1Morewineplease · 13/08/2020 17:29

A PP has mentioned whether you are a guarantor. If you are, then you will be liable if he defaults.

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