To stop paying my DS rent?

[lilybetsy]

My eldest DS is 21. He is not living at home (for the last 12 months) due to refusing to stop smoking cannabis in my house and getting into physical fights with his younger brother DS2 (18). he has 3 GCSE, and since he was 16 I have supported him to go back to college to do resits, (he failed them all due to lack of application); helped him get and apprenticeship (he resigned after 4 months); funded him to go travelling and do voluntary work in Asia for a year - and then through a seperate course at College . All the last were when he was living at home. he left home last Summer - said he wanted to do another college course. I went with him to find a flat, and offered to pay his rent whilst he was at College so he could work part time. He lost hos job during Covid and has dropped out of college. I found out he has been dealing Cannabis. hes now looking for work. Is it unreasonable to say I will no longer pay his rent ? And before anyone says it I wont have him home. There is too much history of dishonesty and I will not have drugs in my house (there are more reasons for this than moral ones)

I would never have paid his rent to start with. I do feel for you though, it must be awful for you.

@WitchesGlove

Depends, what is your financial situation?

Could you easily afford it or not?

I disagree that cannabis is not a problem, it can make people lose motivation and change personality.

I wouldn't say the OPs financial disruption should factor into it. That's her money and he's a lazy adult who hasn't earned anything.

He's very lucky you ever paid it!
My Dd's behaviour at home was abysmal, so I made her leave a month before her 18th birthday, a year on and she manages without my financial help, not that I'm offering it anyway.

I’m not sure you could have done anymore for him if you’d tried. Goodness me. I’m not sure you should be feeling guilty at all. There’s plenty of people in worse situations who have done brilliantly. He’s lazy and entitled.

I can afford it, but not easily and I don’t want to. I am very angry with him and feel like he is massively taking the piss. The flat is a tip and he lied to be about how he was doing at College.

he has been dealing Cannabis

That would be the line in the sand for me .

Shovelling whatever filth into his own body is his own affair .
Peddling that filth though ? No . He;d be cut out completely .

He'd shown himself to be a chancer , a waste of opppurtunity . And now a drug dealer .

It is far past the time that your son grows up. Paying his way is doing him no favours.

I would not of paid the rent in the first place of funded the travelling. It’s time your Son got him organised and motivated.

You are now a bit stuck as guarantor you are liable . What us notice period .

Your approach so far isn’t working - he can use his drug money to pay the rent rather than more drugs .

Your two younger sons. Would you be able to give each of them a 'leg up' financially when their time comes to go to college/uni/leave home, bearing in mind what you have spent on your eldest. i.e. Not make a diff between them.
You may need to make it clear that the money spent on your eldest was to try and provide a calm home for you and them as they grew up.

Don’t feel guilty for supporting him. If he was at university, you would probably be supporting him now, and in age, he is no different. Dc don’t magically turn in to a fully fledged adult at the stroke of midnight their 18th birthday, and 21 up is still fairly young. I think it’s great you have encouraged him to build a life for himself (even though he seems to have rejected it).

However, maybe now it’s time for him to stand on his own two feet. Maybe give him notice, and hopefully he would have found a job by then.

You will get people on here telling you how to be a perfect parent when they have absolutely no experience of raising teens/ young adults at all and many of them will be in for a shock.

I think you're in a terrible position because I can understand you not wanting him home but you are left with the worry ( especially in this pandemic) that he will be out on the street. Maybe pay but with big strings attached.

You have been enabling this poor behaviour. You need to now stop, allow this man to fall on his feet and face the consequences of his actions.

If you keep savings him, he will continue to go down a dark path.

Are you sure you are only guaranteeing his share? It would be worth double checking this, to make sure you don’t get yourself in hot water from the housemate not paying.