To risk losing friendships if I get back with my ex?

[CoffeeInOneHand]

I have started seeing an ex again more recently after three months apart. I won't lie, it's been turbulent at times due to stress and family problems, we haven't always been stable & have broken up 3 or 4 times in nearly 6 years. ( a week or two apart max) But this is the longest we have been separated for, and I can't help but thing it's made a huge difference in me now getting more of what I want and needed from him. That's another thread in itself I'm sure. But I've made the common mistake of badmouthing him when we have split up this time. And I have worked so hard on my own MH and have fallen in to such a happy place. I genuinely believe he can now add to that, and not take it away. But with our history, others may not believe that. So I have a couple of close friends who I know will be not be best pleased. My instinct says to go with my gut, and remember it's my life and myself who has to live it day in and day out. But the anxiety of keeping this so secret at the moment is destroying me! I'm nearly 30, we don't have children together but do have a "blended family". Most of my best friends tell me that it is my life, and real friends won't disregard a friendship over conflicted opinions. But I do have a very small niggle. I'm a people please, and always try to limit confrontation where possible. What would you do? Heart? Head? I realise this might sound incredibly childish and it may just be me overthinking as usual. Has anyone chosen love? Any positive endings? It's really only one friend in particular. She is single and I wonder if she enjoys our friendship more when I am single too? Or is she genuinely looking out for me? Any options I'm grateful for! Thanks In advance.

She's probably seen how your relationship was and thinks it was bad for you. Are you sure about getting back together? Why did you split up?

Sorry, opinions that should have said! I'd rather not have any more options.. i am already torn haha!

I fully get and appreciate that. Her concerns will be coming from a good place I know that. We split due to arguments. Mainly bought on by lockdown and both being stuck home and off work together. We rarely argued however, when we did, it would be really upsetting & i would obviously call my friends crying, we would have some space, figure it out over a few days and then be ok again. But the last one just went too far, and I'd had enough, I was suffering myself with some bad news about my Father, so I asked my ex to leave. I went no contact and really tried my best to try to move on, or at least give us a really really long time for him to figure himself out too and almost "teach him a lesson". I hate that phrase but I needed so much more emotional support and love than I was receiving. So i had hoped a long time apart like this would give us the thinking space we needed.

If you get back with your ex, I wouldn't expect your friends to listen sympathetically to any issues you have with him in the future.

You mention blended families so do you have children? Did he live with you? I'd be more worried about how the relationship would affect my dc's than what my friends thought of it if he has a history of coming into 0and leaving their lives.

It doesn’t sound like it is - or has ever been - a stable relationship. Breaking up 3 or 4 times in 6 years is not normal, and does not sound particularly healthy. Given that you have a blended family, it’s probably also been disruptive and unsettling for your children.

It sounds like your friend wants what is best for you. I imagine she’s sick of the pattern of you breaking up and making up. You’re so sure that this time is different, but presumably you were sure the previous times too, or else you wouldn’t have got back together. What makes this different?

I think it’s a shame that you would question your friend’s motivations and think it’s just that she wants you to be single and having fun with her when it sounds like she’s actually just thinking of you (and your children.)

It’s not about ‘choosing love’, or being ‘ruled by the heart’, it’s about getting rid of this drama and baggage from your life once and for all.

Sorry for the tough love, but this is exactly what I’d think (and say!) if you were a friend of mine. You’re nearly 30, you have children who are exposed to this, it’s time to get a grip and think about reality rather than getting swept up in the romance and drama of it all.

If you get back with him, don’t expect to be able to badmouth him again to your friends, or even try to discuss any problems in your relationship. Quite rightly, they won’t want to hear it.

Also, having just seen your update - a relationship really, really shouldn’t be this hard. You shouldn’t regularly be having arguments that reduce you to tears and mean you don’t speak for days at a time. Get rid of him, and it’s only then that you’ll make space in your life for someone new (and better.)

You have split up with someone several times already. I think you need to look at if this really is a good relationship. It really doesn't seem it.

And what Neolara said

Sorry but I think your main concern should be for the dc involved here. Sounds like they have been through enough.
Ending it to teach him a lesson makes you sound about 12..

I think your friends may, understandably, wonder how long term happiness is going to come from a volatile relationship where your ex has consistently failed to give you what you need. People rarely change in significant ways, so while that may happen for you it’s understandable that they’re sceptical.

I expect that if you give them time to see the relationship in action without expecting them to jump for joy or be overtly supportive right away, they will come around IF they see that he has made changes and the relationship is now on solid footing.

Thankyou. I only needed those few tough words to realise that my little niggle is most definitely the instinct I should be listening to.
I fully agree and won't even try to change anyone's mind, because I know all of this myself deep down.
Otherwise I wouldn't even be questioning if what I am doing is right.
Not that it makes any difference; but please don't think I've been careless around the children though, they do not know that I have seen him recently as they've not been with me due to me being back at work now and their dad not.
But I do fully accept that they did have to deal with him previously moving out. I've always been very conscious of my children's feelings and have never ever made them aware of any issues before. One lucky blessing was that my ex worked away a hell of a lot, so thankfully they've never known when we have "parted ways" no matter how temporary. Thanks again ladies. Xx

If your friends distance themselves from you, it won’t be “because you got back with your ex”. It’s because the constant drama sounds exhausting. I’ve dropped friends before because every minor issue turns into the Drama Of The Moment and i got fed up of expending that much emotional energy all the time only for it to start all over again with the next “Crisis”.

Learn to resolve your own relationship issues without running crying to friends every time you have the slightest fallout.

To be honest it sounds like you aren’t good for each other but live for the drama. I hope your children aren’t too affected by having this man in and out of their lives every 5 seconds.

Put your children first and knock this on the head. It’s clearly not going to work and your friends know it - and on some level you do too, hence your apprehension.

Not sure why you are even considering reconciliation. A relationship shouldn’t be this much hard week and with that many break ups and arguments it clearly isn’t working.

Not to mention if there are children the impact it has on them due to the adults wants.

I've had a friend who is very on and off with her boyfriend. She's lost lots of friends over it. When they're on she disappeared on from her friends, doesn't reply to messages, is always too busy to meet up, ect. As soon as they split she needs endless support from her friends, constant contact and conversation where she goes over and over every little detail of the relationship, badmouthing him, telling everyone every gory detail. She asks for advice and then completely ignored it. Then she gets back with him and expects everyone to forget everything she's said and wonders why he's not been welcomed back with open arms into the friendship group.
I'm not saying you've done anything similar... But I imagine from her point of view if she posted on AIBU about her friends not being keen on her ex her version would be very different to ours.

Overall it is your life and you do what's best for you, but you can't always expect everyone to agree with your choices.

I've been on both sides of this.

When I was the one getting back with my ex time and time again, only seeing the good and not the bad. Looking back it was my closest and most loyal friends who were discouraging it. Telling me I would get hurt again. They were right. So right. They were looking out for my best interests.

With kindness it sounds like a very unstable relationship with all the break ups you’ve had. Your friends probably don’t want to see you get hurt again and want to protect you, but equally it’s frustrating when someone you care about repeatedly ends things with someone them slags them off, but runs back to them a short time later.

It’s like if a friend of yours kept jumping off a bridge into a river, then complaining how much the fall hurt them and how awful the river is, but then months later gets back up there to jump off again insisting this time the fall won’t hurt. After a while you don’t have the energy to tell them not to jump, or why it’s a bad idea, because you know they’ll be back up there soon.

We split due to arguments. Mainly bought on by lockdown and both being stuck home and off work together. We rarely argued however, when we did, it would be really upsetting & i would obviously call my friends crying, we would have some space, figure it out over a few days and then be ok again. But the last one just went too far,

OP, I know nothing about your relationship but the above few sentences throw up so many red flags for me I'm not surprised how your friend feels, particularly if she's the one that you routinely go to when things are bad.

You claim arguments were caused by lockdown - except that you've broken up 4 times in 6 years so there's ALWAYS something. And clearly you're in denial. She probably sees this very clearly.

When you argue, you call your friend crying - most people do not do this. Many of us do talk to/rant to friends and family when we've had an argument etc, but the only time I can ever remember calling a friend crying was when I really believed the relationship was over. In that instance, I was scooped up and given love and assurance. Your friend, seeing this level of extreme responses over and over again, is probably not only tired of it, but unclear why you'd stay with this man.

"But the last one just went too far" - what does this mean? After what is clearly a number of arguments that were so bad you were calling your friend and crying etc etc, finally it went "too far". I'm guessing too far is something like violence or the kind of verbal abuse that's just impossible to return from. Again, I'm guessing your friend finds it incomprehensible how you'd go back to this.

And you both have kids in this too?

I agree with Monr0e that its your children who should be the primary concern here, not your friends.

But based on what you've said here it sounds like a volatile, unstable relationship which made you very unhappy and which has the potential to be very destabilising for your children.

What your friends think is a bit of a red herring, although their view might be a useful sounding board. If you are really happy and have your relationship back on track they will ultimately realise this.

But to be honest it doesn't sound like that: it sounds like you're desperately trying to make an unhealthy relationship work after its past its sell-by date, at risk to yours and your children's stability.

I dropped a friendship of over a decade because of issues like this.
It's hard to be nice after that much bullshit.
You want a life out of a TV drama. Fine.
But don't expect other people to want to be around that.

Also you can talk around it as much as you want.
But if you're kids know you're on and off then you're still screwing them up.

Do you really need to be this selfish?
Men are not an endangered species.

Not that it matters, but in response to "it going too far the last time", no it wasn't violence or abusive words. I had just had enough. He suffers with depression and anxiety at the moment after losing his Father last year. My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and in that same week, we argued, and I decided that right now, the last thing he needs is to be hearing everything with my Dad after everything that happens to his, and I felt I needed more emotional support than was available. So I asked for space to deal with it alone.

I've said I understand what everyone has said and I am really grateful for the replies, and I have listened. I've been on Mumsnet for years so I should have known the kind of replies I would get, I probably knew deep down that I needed them.

But I will reiterate that my children have not been exposed to any of this. Despite how it may read. He works away for a month at a time, so when I say we have "separated for a week or two Max" that's not changed anything at home at all. No disruption from me, no tears, nothing. Just me and him communicating via email as we normally would when he is away. But I appreciate and understand the concern and realise that you don't know the ins and outs and can only read what I've wrote. But I won't accept being told I'm being a selfish mother. I grew up in a terrible place AND would NEVER not put them first. Genuinely.

Keep telling yourself that.
I mean if you do it enough it may become true...

I think you're kidding yourself that your children aren't affected by your volatile relationship/arguments. Children pick up on tension and unhappiness far more than many adults realise.

Please put them first and ditch this man.