To risk losing friendships if I get back with my ex?

[CoffeeInOneHand]

I have started seeing an ex again more recently after three months apart. I won't lie, it's been turbulent at times due to stress and family problems, we haven't always been stable & have broken up 3 or 4 times in nearly 6 years. ( a week or two apart max) But this is the longest we have been separated for, and I can't help but thing it's made a huge difference in me now getting more of what I want and needed from him. That's another thread in itself I'm sure. But I've made the common mistake of badmouthing him when we have split up this time. And I have worked so hard on my own MH and have fallen in to such a happy place. I genuinely believe he can now add to that, and not take it away. But with our history, others may not believe that. So I have a couple of close friends who I know will be not be best pleased. My instinct says to go with my gut, and remember it's my life and myself who has to live it day in and day out. But the anxiety of keeping this so secret at the moment is destroying me! I'm nearly 30, we don't have children together but do have a "blended family". Most of my best friends tell me that it is my life, and real friends won't disregard a friendship over conflicted opinions. But I do have a very small niggle. I'm a people please, and always try to limit confrontation where possible. What would you do? Heart? Head? I realise this might sound incredibly childish and it may just be me overthinking as usual. Has anyone chosen love? Any positive endings? It's really only one friend in particular. She is single and I wonder if she enjoys our friendship more when I am single too? Or is she genuinely looking out for me? Any options I'm grateful for! Thanks In advance.

I think if you do end up back together, you will need to show your friends that things are different this time. No more calling them up crying because you've had a row. To be honest, that's something you'd do as a teenager. Make sure that you're giving support back to your friends and when you go out together it's not just you moaning about partner.

I've ended a friendship with someone because of their ridiculous on again off again relationship and the drama. It literally became all she would talk about. Life is too short to chase men.

I think that it's very sad that you're assuming that your friend doesn't have your best interests at heart. I don't know her but if you really think that should she be in your life?

4 times in 6 years is a lot of breaking up and I bet your friend is sick of your on/off drama. You need to remind yourself of why you broke up - lack if support when you were going through a difficult time is a strong reason to end it. After 6 years I understand it's hard to detach and it will take a while but for your kids sake I think you need to be realistic. You may think that they aren't affected but you're probably kidding yourself. Even if they are very young, the break ups and arguments will mean that you couldn't focus on being a mum. You might have been physically there cooking and cleaning but emotionally you'd be giving headspace to a relationship that's just not right for you.

If you get back with him you'll need to stop calling your friend when you have a barney. It's not fair on her.

Well... If you get back with him and lose friendships or friends become a bit distant you’ll have to accept that. We all make choices and choices have consequences. Just try not to frame it as something that’s being done to you.

Most likely it will be because it’s frustrating and exhausting to be expected to be your emotional support when you phone them crying after arguments, when you split up and tell them in detail what a shit he was and THEN have to bite their tongue or make vague mmm... noises while you justify (mostly to yourself) why you’re getting back with him, why it’s not so bad really and how of course your dc who are 100% your absolute priority, are totally not aware or impacted in any way .

It’s draining watching somebody you care about potentially balls up their (own and dc) lives and they are perfectly entitled to decide they can no longer spare the mental energy.

@netflixismysidehustle

If you get back with him you'll need to stop calling your friend when you have a barney. It's not fair on her.

This of course goes without saying.

At the risk of being a massive drip feed.. but it is only one friend I am discussing here. She has been single for a very long time, and on three drunken nights out now it has come out that she does find it difficult knowing I'm going home to someone, and she isn't after being alone for 12 years.
She has told me this several times, (although only when intoxicated) and several of our other other mutual friends, who would probably actually agree with what I'm typing too.

I understand my biggest wrongdoings are the "dramas" I admit I tend to ignore the bigger problems in my life at the moment (lots of family trouble at the moment) and will focus and exaggerate the smaller stuff as a way of coping. I am going through CBT and like I said, my MH is at a good place now finally. I also admit that it's taken the CBT to learn that I can be in a relationship and have a separate life to them too. Again; this comes from my childhood.

I feel I have to say; I am far from as immature as I realise I look right now. I survived cancer at 19 whilst carrying my First born, I've cared for my Mother, I've qualified as a Lawyer.

I take absolutely everything on board that has been said. I'm a good listener. I think at the moment, I need to continue to concentrate on my MH and my friendships. And what will be will be. There's no need for me to rush into anything right now. If it is meant to be, it won't go anywhere fast.

Everyone here is advising you not to reconcile with your ex, yet you’ve clearly persuaded yourself that it’s a good idea. It really isn’t - and as PPs have said, your children will have been affected by this. Let him go and move on with your life, for your sake and more importantly, for the sake of your children.

I’ve watched a friend go through similar to you. She thought it didn’t affect her DC either, but it was blatantly obvious to everyone else that they were affected by it. Watching your friend make the same mistake over and over again is exhausting and depressing. When you see the effect it is having on their DC (without them noticing) is heartbreaking.

Even without considering your children, adults in healthy relationships do not break up and get back together multiple times. You are still plenty young enough to meet someone who is actually a good match rather than having so much emotional turmoil.

I have not decided to get back with him at all. I posted here because I knew I needed to hear what I have. I'm not in denial in the slightest. I've asked him for space & to allow me to breathe. As I said in the last reply, what will be will be, but for now I'm going to continue to work on myself.

Thanks again for the responses.

@ChloeCrocodile

I’ve watched a friend go through similar to you. She thought it didn’t affect her DC either, but it was blatantly obvious to everyone else that they were affected by it. Watching your friend make the same mistake over and over again is exhausting and depressing. When you see the effect it is having on their DC (without them noticing) is heartbreaking.

Even without considering your children, adults in healthy relationships do not break up and get back together multiple times. You are still plenty young enough to meet someone who is actually a good match rather than having so much emotional turmoil.

I appreciate hearing that actually. I never ever want to be "that Mum". I really don't. So it stops here.

My first born was a miracle, there is no way I can undo all of our hard work to survive when we did, purely for one man who it clearly doesn't work out with.

So thank you. I really am listening and am not just one of "these women who don't care". I care more than most, which is probably why I had even got myself in this spin in the first place.

Thanks all.

Yeah as others have said breaking up this much is not normal in an adult relationship. Very stressful on you all.

I think just to add - try not to focus on what your friend has going on in her life that may make her react badly to your relationship. That's her problem really, I think focus on why you seem to want to put yourself through a relationship that has had so many ups and downs. Stability is something I prioritize so I just can't understand the back and forth, but I do get that people have different constitutions for things.

Its very tiring watching your friend have the same issue over and over again, and giving the same advice, only for nothing to change. I wouldn't expect support from friends if you do decide to 'choose love'.

@Monr0e

You mention blended families so do you have children? Did he live with you? I'd be more worried about how the relationship would affect my dc's than what my friends thought of it if he has a history of coming into 0and leaving their lives.

Yeah this, it's very unfair of you both to keep breaking up and getting back together, it's unfair on them to continually disrupt their lives like that

Knock this toxic relationship on the head for your kids, let alone your friends.
If you have split up numerous times and have called friends crying I can’t imagine that the children haven’t picked up on this or that your relationship was functional in any sense

Choose someone new OP. Even if you think you're in a better place, you say he has depression and anxiety. You are the woman he has argued with and separated from 4-6 times. There are no prizes in life for extreme tenacity.