Was this cheeky or not?

[Alison421]

I want an unbiased opinion as possible as other similar things have been happening so I need to get opinions on whether my initial judgement is right or clouded!

Moved into neighbourhood a year ago and one of neighbours turned up to introduce herself and her kids. Whilst we were chatting away her kids helped themselves to ice lollies from my freezer. The mother noticed and just laughed. I felt really uncomfortable as they were dripping on my furniture and carpet but the mother did nothing to stop them. I know at the time I should have been assertive and asked them to use tissues to soak up the dripping but I didn’t.

The more I’m getting to know this woman and her kids the more I’m realising she just lets them do what they want and doesn’t seem to be any discipline. It’s a really nice neighbourhood and properties are expensive so it’s not that they can’t afford food or stuff.

This is Cheeky? How would you have honestly reacted?

I just hate the neighbours, obviously what I’ve written about is not the only things that have happened. I have had word with neighbours about another issue recently. Everytime I hear them in garden now it makes my blood boil! Yes hubby thinks I should be “more easy going”!

Years ago we lived next door to a weird family. They were very poor and not very clean.
They were also a sandwich short of a picnic and kept us entertained for years with their antics.

One year though they took the piss and later we realised it was all our own fault.......

We had acquired a greenhouse and grew tomatoes and cucumbers. We also had vegetables in the garden - green beans and peas and sweet peas.
My ex husband asked the man next door to water the tomatoes while we were away on holiday and told him to pick some for the family.

When we returned they had taken everything. A greenhouse full of tomatoes and they had taken the bloody lot, and the children had picked all the beans and peas.
Never again.

I’d put a pretend head in the freezer in case they did it again 😂

But seriously! That’s insanely cheeky!

Wow, that's so rude. I'd be fuming. I'd either - say I was going out when she turned up or get a ring doorbell and hide in my house when she turned up! 😂😂

Does she keep coming round? Stand in the doorway and if she tries to enter, just say ‘Sorry, I’m in the middle of something at the minute’.

It isn’t really about being easy going or not easy going. It’s about signalling and then enforcing your boundaries before they get breached in a friendly way through suggestion, redirection, humour, etc. So that everyone knows where they stand and it doesn't end up with you pissed off and the neighbours completely gobsmacked when you shout at them/slam the door in their face/blank them in the street for doing something you’ve always appeared to be okay with before.

The thing is I find myself going between Extreme thinking “aww she’s okay actually” and “I Fucking hate them!”. During lockdown she baked a cake and brought it over! Like wtf it was end of March so Literally days into Lockdown. My DD was crying she wants to eat it but I put in bin as didn’t want to risk it. Like who does that! DH was saying she’s just trying to be nice.

Sorry this happened OP. It’s ok for people to tell you how you should have behaved but as they say, hind sight is a wonderful thing! I imagine you were pretty taken aback by these kids just wandering in and helping themselves. It’s so out the ordinary that you probably didn’t have time to think how to respond, so just acted in shock!

@ZigZagPlant thank you! x

I have no trouble telling other kids when they are out of order in my own home. Of I saw them do that I would have said something for sure, but probably would have let them have it of their mother said it was ok, but I would not have let it drop on my furniture - I would have sent them out to the garden.
You can always be in the middle of a Zoom meeting/work report/ just not a convenient time if she pops in. But if she's nice I'd ask her round for lunch (just her) and try and get to know her. It's not your concern how she raises her kids but they have to follow your rules in your house. 'Sorry we don't eat ice cream between meals so can you ask next time please'. No one could object to that.

Your DH needs a realality check, it's odd behaviour

If you're not prepared to say anything, you need to prepare yourself for being forever annoyed but with only yourself to blame.
It's not normal for children to go into other people's freezers and take food.

Unbelievably cheeky and I too cannot believe you didn't say anything!

My DSis & 2 Dnephews live next door to me and even they wouldn't do that!

Cheeky sods!

So were you in the kitchen & the kids went to your freezer & you didn't say no?

Or worse, they wandered around your house until they it, & when you saw them with lollies you didn't say anything?

And you have to ask if this is cheeky?

And your husband thinks that it's OK?

Bloody hell?

Were you both allowed to do this sort of thing then?

If you don't feel able to confront it, Just answer the door while appearing to be on the phone doing important business, and gesture to the phone, mouth sorry or something, and close the door.

Can’t really blame the kids as they don’t know any different. However, Rey cheeky, and mother should have said something ( as it was first visit, maybe she was embaressed to say something?). I can understand why you reacted passively, as you didn’t want to appear the ogre on their first visit.

However, going forward, your house, your rules.

It was very cheeky of the children to help themselves to lollies in your freezer. I too would have struggled to know how to politely say something at that point especially as their mother was laughing about it. But I think once the lollies started dripping on your floor and furniture I would have said something. That would have really annoyed me! But I can understand why you didn’t feel able to say anything at the time.

Can I suggest for the future you install one of those ingenious doorbells with the cctv cameras if you haven’t already got one! You then know if it’s them at the door and can decide whether to let them in or not! I know they would probably realise you are in but it’s your choice whether you open the door to them!

If you do let them in again remember it’s your house and your rules. I know it’s so easy to say this though but harder to actually do in reality. I have a much loved brother who doesn’t take his shoes off when he visits our house but would always expect us to take our shoes off when we visit him. We would anyway and we don’t wear shoes ourselves at home. (I don’t judge anybody who does BTW). It just makes me a bit irritated that he doesn’t do the same in our home as he does in his. But I have resolved to ask him to please take his shoes off next time he visits so I am taking my own advice here too OP!

Distance yourself. You were caught off guard but you don't like them so don't let them in again. It may appear unfriendly if so message received. Polite hellos, chat over fence but do not let them back in.

My kids aren't allowed to help themselves to the freezer, never mind some randoms kids.

You were giving them a chance and being friendly as new in the neighbourhoood so you have to let go of the ice lollies incident.
Your DH is not there and doesn't have to deal with them so no point him telling you that you are over reacting. He wasn't there. If he'd had to cope with it, how he would have liked it?
The cake thing was friendly and sounds bit sad. She sounds lonely and thought you might be a kindred spirit.
The best way to resolve this is to be friendly but put your foot down on behaviour you don't like.
However, if you are getting the wrong vibes, you don't have to be "best mates" you just have to cordial and cordial means meeting people half way but not allowing them to become CFs who hang about your house all the time and take advantage.
You are not the newbie in the neighbourhood anymore and you can get the JCloth out and say, "Sit at the table, we don't drip all over the floor in this house," I would be mortified if my DC had done that. If they are offended rather than mortified then you know where you stand.
I also had a CF neighbour who thought it was OK for her DC to burst into our house through the back door and invite our DC to play in the garden at 9.30 pm on a school night. They took offence when I said no, but by then I was past caring. Further CFery ensued as they pushed and pushed and eventually I had to call Time. However, others have had the odd wierdness and become friends.

oh God, this sounds like a woman who latched onto us when we moved to a new area. She was one of the school mums and at first she seemed really friendly, the only one going all out ot make an effort. It didn't take long to discover that not only were her children feral little shits but she never, ever told them no because 'she wanted them to have the perfect childhood' and she didn't like other people telling them no, either. Also, no sense of boundaries or manners at all. She had form for inviting herself and her husband along to their children's playdates with a bottle of wine and an expectation that dinner would be served to the lot of them. She was really nice to us because she had burned her boats with everyone else! I'm quite assertive but even I sat in silent, open-mouthed shock when they all turned up for play date organised for their daughter one day and conducted themselves much like your guests did, OP. And like you, I felt guilty about disliking her when she tried so hard to be friends. But she pissed me off so much with her families rudeness that by the time we moved on again, we were not speaking and frankly, it was a relief! That's a long way of saying, no, such behaviour is not normal! Put boundaries of steel walls up and line them with snipers or this family will make your life hell!

I do worry how a pair of grown adults will advocate for their own children if they can’t say no to others.
There’s plenty of assertiveness training online OP.