To think I’ll always be a bit “messed up”

[Dancer12345]

I’ve suffered with my mental health since being a child following abuse. As a teenager I struggled with low self-esteem, self-harm, etc.
As an adult I still have anxiety, low mood, and low self-esteem. I feel like I have no purpose, no one would notice if I weren’t here, etc. (I’m not suicidal, I wouldn’t act on any thoughts). I can be feeling fine and one tiny thing happens and it completely drops my mood. I’ve been in two abusive relationships. I got out but should’ve done sooner. I’m trying to support a friend who’s currently in an abusive relationship and finding it hard.

I seem to have so many “issues” and if people knew some of the stuff that goes on in my head, I think they’d really think I’m crazy (thoughts about myself, things that have been said or done, things I worry about, etc).

Over the years I’ve tried so many medications and therapies, often going private. I can’t get any help on the NHS as they say I’m doing ok, even though I’m not. I pushed a couple of years ago to have a mental health assessment, but all that happened was that I was given a mental health support worker who listened for an hour, told me my time was up (I didn’t even get to say anything) and they then recommended groups on assertiveness and similar.

I just feel such a mess sometimes and don’t know what else to do. Just realised this sounds very “woe is me” and it’s not meant to. I work full time, own a house, socialise lots and have hobbies (well, pre-Covid) and probably come across as fun, lively, etc - which I am a lot of the time. But deep down there’s a lot wrong.

Don’t really know what I’m looking for, just needed to get it out.

Will you tell us about your issues? Do you have anyone to listen in real life? Other than therapy.

What did you plan your life to be? I also suffer from anxiety and depression and it often creeps in when something happens that ruins my plans. I see it as grieving for the life I expected or grief that I am not fulfilled/happy etc. Is yours similar?

Op I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I also suffer from Anxiety and depression. For years I've gone in and out of therapy and on and off antidepressants. I was bullied at school which has led to real issues with self esteem and confidence. I will always have to deal with this. But neither of us should see it as being messed up. Treat it as having an illness that comes and goes. There are things that trigger it and ways we cope with it -therapy or antidepressants. I see it like a chronic illness, like epilepsy or diabetes. It is an illness not a character defect. You are clearly very aware of your condition and able to manage it. This is a huge achievement. You should be proud of yourself xx

@MonkeysAllGoWoo I have a couple of friends who know me better than anyone, but there are still things they don’t know.
My issues... aside from the anxiety and low mood (I don’t think I have full blown depression, I would say more low mood)... just some of the things that go through my head. Sometimes I feel pathetic, sometimes I feel that friends don’t like me (rationally I know they do), I read too much into things, I feel a pain to people, I feel inadequate at work sometimes, when I’m feeling anxious I have “safe foods” and I struggle to eat other things (I think this stems from being emetophobic about 20 years ago), in some ways I feel just as messed up as when I was a teenager...
Aside from the abuse (non-family member) I had a good childhood in many ways. Loving family, nice house, encouraged to do well without being pushed, did hobbies... but then there were things which I know will have impacted, such as parents arguing from time to time and me as a child begging them to stop and make up, my mum having OCD and me doing her “rituals” with her...

My life has TOTALLY not turned out how I thought it would. That does upset me a bit, but I’ve come to terms with it in some ways. But in many ways I would say I am happy and can see positives in my life.

@taraRoo That made me well up! Thank you for your kind words. I totally agree and when it comes to other people with mental health difficulties, I’m the first to tell them to be kind to themselves, it’s no different to a physical illness, etc. But I just can’t say that to myself and believe it. I’ve always been hard on myself and I just beat myself up over WHY can’t I get better. Which rationally I know I wouldn’t do if I have diabetes for example.

You say aside from the abuse as though it's a passing thing that means nothing. It's not. It shouldn't have happened to you and all your feelings are valid on this.

I could have written your post. It's so hard isn't it and impossible to stop your mind thinking these things that harm you do deeply.

I was diagnosed with GAD a couple years ago after suffering a mini breakdown ( I say mini because I didn’t need to be sectioned, I realized I was falling apart and went to the doctor’s before it got any worse). I’ve been on AD’s every since and had some counseling. Like you, I’ve had low self esteem and this anxiety since my teens- but somehow, it’s got much better since that episode.

Perhaps it was seeking that professional help and admitting how I felt to a counselor ( not a friend or family member because, as you say, you can never tell them everything and they’re not trained to deal with it anyway) that made the difference.

I’d give it another try with a counselor perhaps as a first step? Also, make a really conscious effort not to analyze or worry about what other ppl say or do. It’s hard, but your life is about you and what you want to do with it- not other people’s opinions. I hope you feel better.

@MonkeysAllGoWoo I’m so sorry you feel similar. I know what you mean about the abuse - I feel I dealt with that a long time ago though, and consciously it doesn’t affect me, in terms of relationships for example. I appreciate subconsciously it’s probably had a heck of an impact, but I genuinely don’t feel sad/angry/whatever when I think or speak about it. Whereas when I speak about my anxiety, I tend to cry.

@AmICrazyorWhat2 Sorry to hear about your mini breakdown, hope you’re on the up. Maybe you’re right about the counselling. I’ve just tried so many things over the years and part of me feels like I need something with more actions/steps if that makes sense. Although I’ve also tried CBT, EMDR, hypnotherapy, acupuncture, homeopathy... with little success. It’s as though my brain is so hardwired. I have wondered whether to pay privately to get a psychologist’s assessment, to see what the recommend. No therapist has really heard the full story and delved really deep.

I also think the AD’s really help me control the anxiety. No one likes being on medication long-term but I’ve accepted that this is a long-term condition for me and just as I’d take medicine for a physical ailment, I need this for my MH.

I have a friend like this. She has spent tens of thousands of pounds on different therapies etc. And tries loads of activities she thinks will make her happier. Maybe they do to some extent.

But I wonder at what point it is healthier to just accept one's issues, and stop trying to get rid of them. Maybe that can be more healing? And certainly cheaper!

What makes you feel content, rather than actively happy; is there anything that gives you a peaceful mind? Often spending time in nature is a major factor in this.

I agree that there isn’t a magic cure out there and spending enormous sums wouldn’t be a good idea. A proper psychological assessment and some counseling might be worth it,though.And not ruling out medication, I think many ppl resist it, but it’s nothing terrible, just another tool to help you.

You are a survivor of abuse and that will live with you for a long time, I think, so go easy on yourself.

I am not a survivor of abuse but I do have PTSD, and severe anxiety and depression. I have been in treatment over half my life.

I have learned over time not to think of it as being 'wrong', and the way I've accepted it is by realising that everybody is carrying demons and baggage around, you just can't see it.

Honestly I bet if you did a sweep of your street there would be a fair few on antidepressants, and probably a few survivors of abuse. Suffering is just part of life, and what makes us human. It's not bad or wrong,

I am on medication at the moment, I’ve been taking Sertraline for around two years now. I got to the point where I was crying all the time and feeling so low, so this has helped somewhat.

@rosiejaune That’s a really good point about accepting it rather than trying to get rid of it. My anxiety stops me doing things though, and I definitely want to change that.

@mintyfreshh That’s true, maybe I shouldn’t be seeing it as wrong. Everyone is different, I have no idea what goes on in other people’s heads.

So maybe acceptance to some degree (where I stop beating myself up about it) is what I need to do. I can’t accept that it stops me doing things though.

Have you tried EMDR therapy? It is perfect for the issues you’re talking about

Sorry I’ve just read you have, I really would recommend giving it another go with someone else.

Given what you have written I think you would get along well with Acceptance Commitment Therapy.

Especially this book "The Reality Slap: How to Find Fulfilment When Life Hurts" by Russ Harris.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1780332025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_4OpnFb40QYFYZ?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Alternatively, The Happiness Trap or The Confidence Gap by the same author are also good.

Reality Slap is better for when you've had something clearly objectively awful happen in your life, like abuse or alcoholism or bereavement.

The Happiness Trap is better for when you feel miserable but feel you have no right to feel that way because to any outside observer your life would seem to be fine, lovely even.

I didn't read The Confidence Gap because I have oodles of confidence now.

I have had a traumatic childhood and teen life, and was carrying the weight with me into adulthood. I don't know if all therapies work or not, but I found drawing a line under my life as 'before' and 'after' helped.

Many decades ago I decided I would not be defined by what happened before, I accepted that those things happened to me and were upsetting, but I am here and know my own strength (I came through it all) and I have great resilience - as do you, because you would not be posting otherwise.

It is now about mindset. The past is the past you can not change it, but what you can do is decide what a good future would look like, how would you like to be, what inspires you and make it happen. Put every ounce into achieving at least one thing that would take you out of where you were, and place you in the here and now.

So go on, what does your best future look like? And how do you get there?

Unless you free yourself from the chains of the past and the pain, and no one can do this for you, you will be forever looked into the sadness spiral and there is only place that it takes you.

So choose another way.

@Lifestyleinlondon88 Yes maybe I should give it another go. I really thought that it would help, so maybe another shot needed

@TorkTorkBam I have The Happiness Trap! I actually went on some ACT training with work. Will get my book out as I obviously need to do more with it, it’s been a few years.

@Friendsoftheearth Wow you sound strong. Do you still struggle at all? So would my “before” be me up to now, and then as of tomorrow I start working on the “after”?
One key thing for my future would be being less anxious. I know there’s no point wishing for no anxiety at all, as my family tend to be worriers so I think that my be unrealistic. However, I’d love to be able to do things that others do, and even if I felt a bit anxious, not enough to make me avoid things.

I have to say, your life sounds like mine once did. It took me three therapists to find the right one for me, doing EMDR - I really can’t talk highly enough of it. Like you, I had tried everything too and this along with becoming more spiritual has really helped me.

We all feel a mess sometimes and that’s okay! Nobody is perfect and those that try usually end up disappointing themselves only. You also need some people around you that you are so comfortable with that you can share these ‘crazy’ thoughts - though I think you’d be shocked at what other people also think :)

I would also really recommend getting out into nature and connecting with yourself again. Also trauma release exercises If you haven’t already.

If you want to inbox me, please feel free x

Reality Slap might be a more useful take on it all given the abuse you were subjected too. It's really tackles the hard stuff.

I also think you should be proud of yourself
Are you on any
Medication now ?

OP, I could have written much of what you said about myself. You are not alone although anxiety makes us feel so isolated. It's horrible.
I'm on the slow mend but I know how to help myself after many years not knowing.
I go to a Buddhist centre.
Someone suggested that to me years ago and I thought it was 'a load of hocus pocus'. But it can help anyone feel better with work.
The good thing for me is that you don't have to believe in any Gods or afterlife, you can take exactly what you want and still free yourself from the terrible angst. If you don't want to take the Buddhist route at all then reading books like 'I am enough' by Marisa Peer (available on amazon) and anything by Brene Brown are very helpful. They help untangle your head but are not at all spiritual, but they still run parallel with Buddhism. Same concept.
I had an abusive childhood and I'm so happy I know the way forward although it's a slow process.
I have an NHS psych but in all truthfulness, I don't think they always have the answers as mental health in the NHS is not fully understood, but it's a good addition to have.
Tara Brach (look on YouTube) is a very good Buddhist teacher.
Best of luck, I know your head can be a very scary place xxxxx

Dear Dancer, big up you.
Great job coming on here.
Ive similar background, anxiety from age 5, diagnosed autistic at 45.

Had counselling, but no other support. Im getting really bad now with tasks, worsening and forgetting, I worry how ill cope into my 60's, but one thing thats got better is being 'out' about my Mental Health on Twitter, and hanging out on line with similar folk.

Ive kind of given up socially and that's sad, I don't have friends nearby to help or socialise with, I only hang out with someone around 5/6 times a year (pre lockdown) .

I walk past pubs at the moment I desperately with I had someone to pop in with. Or just hang out with, you know?

Have tried various support groups but usually end up running! Got thrown out of one for having opinions! You often need to be very well behaved and not add perspective (I have a history of mental health advocacy and am pretty opinionated!)

I dont work anymore which is the biggest cause of shame, as I am still too emotionally dysregulating- mood changes so fast. And I have meltdowns etc. I really have to hide this/pretend I have a job due to many negative opinions in our culture about scroungers etc. Lonely life, but I am able to smile, be silly as much as I can be. Big supportive hugs to you.

I was going to suggest ACT as well. My mental health team offered a group course in it which was the most useful thing I've had, talking wise (drugs and hormones helped too in my case).
Also vitamin D in high doses, which I thought was bullshit, but my mum gave me a packet and if I don't take them for a couple of weeks my mental health starts to slip again. Not cheap but totally worth it now I trust them and know they work!

Oh, and for people resistance to SSRI anti depressants (or for whatever reason don't take them) Low Dose Naltrexone is very interesting...I was looking for it for years, and eventually got a private prescription. It's really helped at the most serious times (when going into a crisis). I can't and wouldn't want to advocate for others of course, but the research is very interesting.