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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pregnant at 43

36 replies

JoleneJolone · 12/08/2020 12:05

I have name changed for this because this is quite overwhelming and I don't want it to be related to an other posts. Obviously there is the age thing, but also the fact that I had chemo and at least two of the drugs they put me on are supposed to destroy fertility. That was five years ago. No barriers since as we assumed it wasn't happening and bam, here we are.

The only person who knows is my husband and we are both very happy but concerned about the implications of being so much older even than "the new average". AIBU to ask for any tips, a bit of handhold and a small amount of support.

OP posts:

SerenDippitty · 12/08/2020 12:08

43 is not too old at all. Lots of women have babies at that age these days. Congratulations .

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 12/08/2020 12:10

My DM had my little brother at 41, it all went smoothly and he's now 25! Congratulations OP!

Jellycatspyjamas · 12/08/2020 12:10

I haven’t been pregnant so I can’t comment on that but I’m 49 and have a 7 and 9 year old so definitely an “older” mum. While I might be a bit more tired than younger mums, I much more settled in myself than when I was younger which affects my parenting style.

Congratulations on your surprise pregnancy, I hope it all goes smoothly for you.

Toilenstripes · 12/08/2020 12:11

Congratulations! I really don’t think 43 is too old. You’re mature but you also have your life together, hopefully, at that age. You will be monitored more closely I imagine, due to health concerns, but there’s no reason this can’t be a healthy pregnancy. 💐

AryaStarkWolf · 12/08/2020 12:12

My best friend just had her first baby at 42. It is a bit tougher on the body and she had a few issues towards the end of her pregnancy that she probably wouldn't have had if she was younger, but both mother and baby are healthy. My advice would be just to take it easy during the pregnancy and congratulations to you!

MsVestibule · 12/08/2020 12:14

Firstly, congratulations! Do you have much RL support? Do you live in an area where it's fairly normal for women to have their first baby in their mid-30s plus? If so, that might help when you go to baby groups etc. (Where I live, in the oldest FTM I know, and I was 35!!)

HMBB · 12/08/2020 12:15

I had my DD at 42 and it has been fab. I don't think I am any more tired than her friends' mums. Only difference is I get worse hangovers than my NCT friends in their 30s (I am now 50!) 😂

Also amongst DD's school mums I am same age or 1 year older than the rest so really not a big deal.

Just enjoy it. You'll have a lot of fun and hard work but then that is the same for everybody!

Congratulations

CatteStreet · 12/08/2020 12:15

Having children in your 40s is very common (and actually always has been, just it used to not be first children so commonly). I can think of two friends off the top of my head who had a baby at 43, and all has been well.

Congratulations.

CatteStreet · 12/08/2020 12:18

I'm your age now, btw, with a 4yo and also two teens. I really can't say I was/am any more tired with her than I was with them - and she's been the worst sleeper of them all.

HathorX · 12/08/2020 12:19

Congrats! Had my DS aged 42, it was a breeze. Absolutely loving being an older mum, my little boy is a treasure and keeps me fit!

Age is just a number, obviously there are some statistics that will frighten you but try to see them as a good incentive to be as fit and healthy as possible.

I'm definitely much more energetic now than I was as a new mum in my 30s when I had a full time job and was less aware of keeping fit.

I'm not minimizing the risks, but important to remember you are an individual, don't get suckered by all the negativity surrounding pregnancy in your 40s.

AryaStarkWolf · 12/08/2020 12:23

@HathorX

Congrats! Had my DS aged 42, it was a breeze. Absolutely loving being an older mum, my little boy is a treasure and keeps me fit!

Age is just a number, obviously there are some statistics that will frighten you but try to see them as a good incentive to be as fit and healthy as possible.

I'm definitely much more energetic now than I was as a new mum in my 30s when I had a full time job and was less aware of keeping fit.

I'm not minimizing the risks, but important to remember you are an individual, don't get suckered by all the negativity surrounding pregnancy in your 40s.

I'd imagine the advantages to having a baby in your 40's as opposed to your 20's would be that most people are more settled by then, more financially secure and generally calmer, that's a massive plus in parenting imo

Trashtara · 12/08/2020 12:40

With regards to more risks, consider getting the NIPT test (harmony/ panorama etc) - you can get that done from 10 weeks and so you can make informed decisions and better prepare yourself.

Congratulations.

ShinyRuby · 12/08/2020 12:46

Congratulations! A dear friend of mine had her dd at 43 & is the most up to date mum of a 17 year old at 60. Dd keeps her young & she's really informed on teen issues, she seems years younger than she is.
You'll be fine!

Laiste · 12/08/2020 12:51

I fell for my youngest at 43. She's in yr1 now and I've had zero issues with other people's perceptions of my age or issues with my ability to look after her. I will admit i was worried i'd be seen as an oddity but it just didn't happen. My midwife didn't turn a hair at my age at my first appointment and when i pushed the question she was a bit and said you're not the oldest on my books by a long chalk it's just not an issue IMO. I felt a bit daft being worried then!

There are school mums my age and older. There are a couple of ladies who are in their early 30s who pick up their grandkids. Who knows what age anyone is these days and who's a childmider with someone else's kids, who's got grandkids, their own kids or neices and nephews anyway? I don't! There are disabled parents at DDs school and there are children being cared for almost exclusively by their quite elderly Grand parents. DDs little best friend is one. She's growing up just fine.

I had my 3 older DCs in my 20s and parental age wasn't on my radar so to speak so it didn't cross my mind to look and see what age the other parents were. I imagine most young mums are the same today. I couldn't tell you how old the other mums were in my older DDs years except the ones i was actually friends with.

Energy wise? I have a few aches and pains i didn't have before but i'm lucky to be generally healthy. I can still run about on the beach and go swimming and jog up the pavement for teaching bike riding ect. I have a school mum friend who is 10 years younger than me but very unfit and can't do the above.

My one caveat would be the pregnancy and birth.

I suffered a bit more with general pelvis pain and tiredness during pregnancy than when i was 20 something.
The hospital wouldn't let me go past my due date because of my age.
The birth took it out of me a bit more than previous times. I was ok to do my normal stuff again by the 2 week mark.

Laiste · 12/08/2020 12:59

Oh can i add - 2 of my older DDs (in their 20s) have long term boyfriends who both happen to be 'late in life' babies born when their respective parents were mid 40s. Both sets of these parents are fab! They must all be nearly 70 but one set has a rock band they play in and do local festivals, and the other set go hill walking all the time and are fitter than DH and i fit as a fiddle!

I use them as a snap shot of what i'd like to be like in 20 years :)

MaryShelley1818 · 12/08/2020 13:04

I am 42 and currently pregnant with my 2nd, I had my DS (age 2.5) 5mths before I turned 40.
I've been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes for a 2nd time but that's not due to my age.

Congratulations xx

MMN123 · 12/08/2020 13:15

My granny had my aunt when she was 45! That was well over 60 years ago. No complications - aunt has her own grandchildren now. Congratulations!

Some risks are higher with being older but the overall risk of problems is still very, very low indeed!

Flightsoffancy · 12/08/2020 13:27

Congratulations! I had my DD at 40 and it was all fine. I'm tired, but who isn't? I think being older parents has many advantages, so enjoy it! Good luck and congratulations again!

Liverbird77 · 12/08/2020 13:31

I've just had my second, having turned 43 mid July. I am just breastfeeding her now actually. She's three weeks old and absolutely beautiful.
Her brother is 19 months, so we've got our hands full!
Pregnancy and birth were totally fine with both of them.

4boysthatilove · 12/08/2020 13:37

You will be fine, I found out I was pregnant at 46, was on the pill, and didn't find out until I was 22 weeks pregnant. My lovely boy was born 4 months before my 47th birthday. He is an absolute delight, a joy and I wouldn't be without him. I look younger than my age, so I have only ever had one person think we were his grandparents!

Zelda93 · 12/08/2020 13:40

I had my first baby a dd at 43 and I think I'm a better mum for being older as I think I'm way more patient.. it's definitely a change of life but I love it!!

WonderWebbs · 12/08/2020 14:49

Congratulations. I can't give any practical help as I had my DD at 34 but where I live no one would bat an eye at being pregnant at 43. I have many friends who had their 2nd of 3rd child at 40/42 and one who had their only child at 45 and all have coped.

I think energy levels in your 40's maybe slightly lower than 30's but if a child is loved age is just a number. Good luck OP.

Original poster

JoleneJolone · 12/08/2020 14:52

Thank you all. It's so nice to hear of so many positive stories. We have a DS who knows I can't (ha!) have another cos I was ill (had him before it all kicked off).... I don't know how he will react as he has always wanted a sibling and makes up imaginery friends to compensate :)

OP posts:

LakieLady · 12/08/2020 14:53

A colleague of mine had her son at 46. She says the only downside has been the people who assume he's her grandson!

BubblyBarbara · 12/08/2020 14:53

I couldn't have been doing with going through be sleep deprivation and what not in my 40s to be honest. I would have still had someone living at home into my 60s But if you thoght children weren't on the menu and this is your opportunity then grasp it by the horns and enjoy the rough and the smooth congratulations

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